| Author | Quote | Rank |
|---|
| Margaret Mead | Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.  | 41 |
| Douglas Adams | I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. | 101 |
| Henry A. Kissinger | There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. | 101 |
| Isaac Asimov | People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. | 101 |
| Mitch Hedberg | My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. | 101 |
| Robin Williams | I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you. | 101 |
| Terry Pratchett | The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. | 101 |
| W. H. Auden | We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know. | 101 |
| Will Rogers | Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. | 101 |
| David Ogilvy | The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible. | 101 |
| Elbert Hubbard | Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. | 101 |
| Jerry Seinfeld | It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. | 101 |
| Steve Martin | A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. | 101 |
| Yogi Berra | A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. | 101 |
| Alice Roosevelt Longworth | If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. | 101 |
| Bill Burr | The only time I get sick of making people laugh is when I'm in a non-writing-joke mode, and I just can't seem to come up with anything new that's funny. That's a tough place to be as a comedian. | 101 |
| Billy Connolly | I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. | 101 |
| Chevy Chase | I would love to do a movie with Albert Brooks; we're so different, but I find him so funny, and I can be just as seemingly narcissistic as he comes off, the 'it's all about me' kind of thing. | 101 |
| Colin Quinn | You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it. | 101 |
| David Spade | There's always something funny about men chasing women. | 101 |
| Don Marquis | Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. | 101 |
| Don Rickles | Some people say funny things, but I say things funny. | 101 |
| E. B. White | Be obscure clearly. | 101 |
| Eldridge Cleaver | Too much agreement kills a chat. | 101 |
| Francois Truffaut | When humor can be made to alternate with melancholy, one has a success, but when the same things are funny and melancholic at the same time, it's just wonderful. | 101 |
| Franklin P. Jones | One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening. | 101 |
| Fred Allen | I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. | 101 |
| George Burns | Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. | 101 |
| Hedy Lamarr | Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. | 101 |
| James A. Garfield | Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter. | 101 |
| James Thurber | Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? | 101 |
| Jim Carrey | Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. | 101 |
| Joe E. Lewis | I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. | 101 |
| Joe Rogan | I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way. | 101 |
| Lana Turner | A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. | 101 |
| Logan Pearsall Smith | People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading. | 101 |
| Mark Ruffalo | People say funny things all the time during really serious moments in life. | 101 |
| Mel Brooks | Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. | 101 |
| Milos Forman | Memories are doing funny things to us. | 101 |
| Nigella Lawson | And, in a funny way, each death is different and you mourn each death differently and each death brings back the death you mourned earlier and you get into a bit of a pile-up. | 101 |
| Oliver Herford | A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often. | 101 |
| Oscar Levant | Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. | 101 |
| Owen Wilson | It's funny how it usually works out that I end up dying. It sort of works out, because by the time I die, I'm usually tired of working on that particular movie, so I look forward to it. | 101 |
| P. G. Wodehouse | The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun. | 101 |
| Paul Feig | I love funny people, and when I'm with funny people, or people who are amusing in their weirdness, I love it. Because that to me is funny, as opposed to someone who stops and says, 'Hey let me tell you a joke.' | 101 |
| Paul Simon | I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one. | 101 |
| Peter Ustinov | Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. | 101 |
| Raymond Chandler | He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food. | 101 |
| Robert Benchley | Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. | 101 |
| Ron White | I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. | 101 |
| Saul Bellow | When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice. | 101 |
| Tallulah Bankhead | If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. | 101 |
| Tamsin Greig | I am interested in shows that are not out-and-out gag fests: you see the truth of a broken heart behind them. That is what life is like: it's really funny, you see funny things as soon as you step out of the room, but underneath that is a whole bag of broken hearts. It's that real pain and that real hilarity that makes life so intriguing. | 101 |
| Thor Heyerdahl | Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity. | 101 |
| Tracy Morgan | I think the word 'pregnant' is funny. | 101 |
| W. Somerset Maugham | It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it. | 101 |
| Zach Galifianakis | When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there. | 101 |
| Angie Dickinson | My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra. | 101 |
| Anthony Burgess | Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. | 101 |
| Calvin Trillin | I actually think of being funny as an odd turn of mind, like a mild disability, some weird way of looking at the world that you can't get rid of. | 101 |
| Catherine Tate | I realised that if you get yourself labeled as the funny one, people don't look any further. I've used that as I've got older. It's controlling: I decide what part of my personality you're seeing. I don't want you to look at me, I really don't. I don't want you to comment on my clothes, my hair or the way I look. | 101 |
| Christopher Plummer | Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine. | 101 |
| Danny Boyle | It's not so much what you learn about Mumbai, it's what you learn about yourself, really. It's a funny old hippie thing, but it's true as well. You find out a lot about yourself and your tolerance, and about your inclusiveness. | 101 |
| Dar Williams | The funny thing is musicians often love to go to see visual art because you've got all these pictures to turn into metaphors. | 101 |
| Eric McCormack | At home in L.A., Sunday is lazy. It's the wife and me lying in bed with coffee, watching 'The Soup' or something funny on TiVo. The kid will occasionally join us. Eventually, breakfast is at a place down the street called Paty's. And we always have some kind of great dinner - my wife makes a great roast beef. | 101 |
| Fionnula Flanagan | I think Irish women are strong as horses, incredibly loyal and for the most part, funny, witty, bright and optimistic in the face of devastating reality. | 101 |
| Freddie Prinze | But the only comparison that I want to Lenny Bruce is that I'm funny. I'm Freddie Prinze, Puerto Rican all the way. | 101 |
| Guy Pearce | Funny enough, if you are looking at people these days who are putting Botox in their face and getting all sorts of plastic surgery, we look at them and go, I can tell you've had Botox. I can tell you've had plastic surgery. You look really strange to me. But no one's saying anything. We're just accepting the fact that they're strange-looking. | 101 |
| Jack Benny | I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. | 101 |
| Jay London | It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. | 101 |
| Jerome K. Jerome | What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise. | 101 |
| Kate Bosworth | It's so different when you change your hair color, you're treated so differently. It's a very funny experience. It's fun - I love changing up my hair. | 101 |
| Kurt Fuller | I grew up as a very sarcastic person. I was always the class clown, and to date girls, I had to be really funny. I was really skinny growing up. I was so thin, I had to run around in the shower to get wet. That kind of thin. So I always had to rely on humor and sarcasm. | 101 |
| Mike Myers | Europe is scooters. Europe is five young people on one bench sharing a chocolate bar. Their idea of entertainment and fun is so much different than ours, which is exactly why a movie about them would be funny. | 101 |
| Mort Sahl | My life needs editing. | 101 |
| Riki Lindhome | We love super-silly moments, funny moments, serious moments, weird moments. | 101 |
| Sheena Easton | We are supposed to enjoy the good stuff now, while we can, with the people we love. Life has a funny way of teaching us that lesson over and over again. | 101 |
| Tom Baker | I'm obsessive about the kind of melodrama of getting through the days and trying to make them good and funny and a happy experience. But my feeling towards the fans is that they delivered me from darkness. | 101 |
| Anna Held | I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them. | 101 |
| Bill Vaughan | The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them. | 101 |
| Golshifteh Farahani | I'm coming out of the belly of Iran. It was the only place I was free. It's funny - when I say that, everyone is like, 'What? Freedom?' But the freedom I felt in Iran I've never felt anywhere else. Freedom of mind, freedom of time, of spirit. But after a while, you're so wounded that if you continue thinking about Iran, it will kill you. | 101 |
| Jilly Cooper | For sheer sexiness, a man must be beautiful. Funny. yes. Clever, no. | 101 |
| Julian Fellowes | The moment I was introduced to my wife, Emma, at a party I thought, here she is - and 20 minutes later I told her she ought to marry me. She thought I was as mad as a rat. She wouldn't even give me her telephone number - and she wrote in her diary: 'A funny little man asked me to marry him.' | 101 |
| Kaitlin Olson | Being mean just for being mean's sake isn't funny. | 101 |
| Katie McGrath | I do keep getting these bad girl roles. The funny thing is that, honestly, I don't think I'm believable as these aristocratic mean girls. But I do love playing them. | 101 |
| Lana Parrilla | I never liked apples. In fact, when I was a little girl, my mom wanted to give me apples in my lunch box and I would ask for green peppers. So bizarre... It's funny - I don't have an apple a day, but I can say that I have a few a week. | 101 |
| Leslie Easterbrook | I wish I had a funny story. | 101 |
| Luis Bunuel | Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. | 101 |
| Mike Judge | Stealing, you'll go far in life. Actually, there is something funny about getting away with it. | 101 |
| Molly O'Keefe | It's funny what memory does, isn't it? My favorite holiday tradition might not have happened more than once or twice. But because it is such a good memory, so encapsulating of everything I love about the holidays, in my mind it happened every year. Without fail. | 101 |
| Nick Wechsler | Being funny has always mattered a lot to me. It's why I started acting - to make my friends laugh. | 101 |
| Nora Dunn | I never thought I was funny, but I enjoy being funny. | 101 |
| Paul Shaffer | I love funny people. I met and became friends with some of the funniest people ever. Gilda Radner, bless her soul; Martin Short; Dave Thomas; Eugene Levy. | 101 |
| Philippe Falardeau | I'm not too keen on jokes that are one-liners. I want the situation to be funny. | 101 |
| Prince Andrew | Her friends say she is very funny. At a family dinner, she stood to go, and the footman very properly pulled her chair away. At that moment I asked her a question and she sat down again, except there was no chair. Everyone, including the Queen, laughed and laughed. | 101 |
| Ray Stevens | The human brain is a funny thing: it's very susceptible to tempo and melody. You put the right words to it, and it becomes very influential. | 101 |
| Rick Wakeman | There's a fine line between angry and grumpy. Angry isn't nice, but grumpy is funny. | 101 |
| Ron Funches | Being nice can be funny. A lot of my jokes are like, 'Let me take a bad situation and try to put the best spin on it.' | 101 |
| Thomas Haden Church | But I think once the word gets out that the movie is funny - funny is transcendent - it will traverse all demographic barriers if people embrace it as a funny movie. | 101 |
| Thomas Lennon | The only guaranteed way to make something not very funny is to make it vague. | 101 |
| Will Eisner | Humor has historically been tied to the mores of the day. The Yellow Kid was predicated on what people thought was funny about the immigrant Irish. When you're different in a society, you're funny. | 101 |
| Agyness Deyn | The fact is I'm choosy, but mainly about a man's character. He has to be interesting, funny and clever. I don't even mind if he's not very good-looking. | 101 |
| Alice Englert | It's a bit like school camp, shooting a film. Everyone's on heat. It's a strange energy. It's full of adrenalin. I funnel my excess energy in funny little ways. I do a lot of dancing in my trailer. I love music. | 101 |
| Autre Ne Veut | I don't think I'm an intentional liar, but I'm a little bit of an exaggerator sometimes. If I'm exaggerating, and the journalist exaggerates on top of that, then we end up in funny territory. | 101 |
| Berenice Bejo | Even in the very beginning when she would bump into George Valentine and people would start taking pictures of her, she never thought, 'I'm with George Valentine. I need to get a picture with him.' She's like 'oh that's funny. Everyone's taking pictures!' | 101 |
| Buddy Hackett | As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. | 101 |
| Celia Johnson | Don't remember me as too nice or beautiful or funny, because then you'll be disappointed. | 101 |
| Darren Boyd | It's funny - when you look at the real A-listers nowadays, look at how many live in and around Hollywood. Most of them live on a ranch in Utah. It's no coincidence these guys get in and get out. | 101 |
| David Archuleta | I like cartoons. I like 'Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends.' It's funny! It has things that kids wouldn't get. It's like, if you're mature, you get it. I like that and 'The Fairly OddParents.' | 101 |
| David Hyde Pierce | Sometimes in the most tragic situation, something just profoundly funny happens. | 101 |
| Derek Hough | Can someone's true value really be estimated? Maybe there needs to be an Edmunds.com for people on TV. That would be funny and possibly cruel. | 101 |
| Elisabeth Moss | I heard that people were really interested in the new haircut, which I think is so funny. Great haircut, I really like it. It goes great with the time period. And I was super, super, super-happy to have my bangs swept to the side rather than straight in front of me, which I dealt with for three seasons. I'm very, very much done with that. | 101 |
| Jackie Mason | I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times. | 101 |
| Joel Coen | I've never really understood that. It's a funny thing; people sometimes accuse us of condescending to our characters somehow-that to me is kind of inexplicable. | 101 |
| John Hodgman | People forget how outcast 'They Might Be Giants' can be. They have a reputation for writing really deft, funny, clever melodies, and they also make a lot of music for kids, which is terrific, but when you see them in concert, they can rock the house. | 101 |
| Kate O'Brien | If it bends, it's funny; if it breaks, it's not funny. | 101 |
| Luke Treadaway | This morning someone sent me a very funny photo of me holding their puppy. We have matching colour jackets. | 101 |
| Melissa Rosenberg | I love Charlie, Billy Burke's character. Writing for him is so spectacular, he's so funny and wry and every scene he's in he just takes. There's a scene in 'Eclipse' where Bella tells him she's a virgin, and it's the funniest, most awkward scene I've ever seen on film. | 101 |
| Mick Ralphs | The parrot's so funny. He imitates me and I don't even realize he's doing it. I'm walking around the house talking to myself and whistling and the next day he's said something I've said... it's scary you know? | 101 |
| Prince Fielder | The gummy bears tattoo was my idea. It's my son's favorite candy. The sketch was my other son's idea. It's a self-portrait of himself. I just showed the artist his sketch and had him tattoo it on my forearm. It looks like a stick person with big hair. It's pretty funny. | 101 |
| Rob Huebel | George Clooney is exactly what you would expect. He's annoyingly good looking, insanely funny, and super smart. So you just feel really inferior around him all the time. You end up feeling really bad about yourself, but you walk away feeling really great about George Clooney. | 101 |
| Rob Thomas | It's funny: I always, as a high school teacher and particularly as a high school yearbook teacher, because yearbook staffs are 90 percent female, I got to sit in and overhear teenage girl talk for many years. I like teenage girls; I like their drama, their foibles. And I think, 'I'll be good with a teenage daughter!' | 101 |
| Tiffany Trump | In person, my father is so friendly, so considerate, so funny, and so real. I have admired my father all of my life, and I love him with all my heart. | 101 |
| Brendan O'Carroll | Anyone who thinks they can write the perfect comedy that everyone will love is a fool. I can only write what I think is funny and hope that there is a likeminded audience out there. | 101 |
| Charlie Daniels | The funny thing is, the music that I'm writing now is probably some of the most cutting edge we've ever done. The music that I'm thinking about putting on our next album. | 101 |
| Dave Navarro | There have been times when I felt suicidal and I would stop my head from going in that direction of negativity because I thought there'd be something I'd miss that was funny in the future. If there's a chance I'm going to laugh tomorrow then want to live to experience that. | 101 |
| David Heyman | I think it's great to see how they've grown up, not just as actors but as people. They're still very much the same kids that I met many years ago. They've grown up and they are funny and wicked and naughty and bright, and I think as actors their work is just getting better and better. They've blossomed. | 101 |
| Elena Satine | It's funny how the ruthless, murderous gangster has really been romanticized by the media. I mean, I grew up watching the 'Godfathers' and 'Scarface,' and they were the coolest. They're just really interesting stories with great characters. They're rock stars. | 101 |
| Margaret Smith | My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at? | 101 |
| Marian Seldes | I know I'm funny, because I'm eccentric, I'm odd. I'm not what you expect. | 101 |
| Michael Patrick King | I love funny women. I love writing funny women characters. | 101 |
| Paul Epworth | One of the funny things of being a producer, you have these fleeting, intense relationships with people, and they go off to global megastardom, and you don't see them. | 101 |
| Shantel VanSanten | I'm, like, super-clumsy and weird and funny and dorky. | 101 |
| Allison Jones | Being funny is everything to me. | 101 |
| Amy Childs | When I have had a long day at work, I want something to watch that is funny, lighthearted and easy to get into, and reality is that. I'm not really into serious programmes or documentaries. | 101 |
| Bernard Sahlins | Actually being funny is mostly telling the truth about things. | 101 |
| Dana Davis | It's funny because before I joined the cast of 'Heroes,' I was an insomniac. I have suffered from insomnia for, like, so long. Now that I'm on the show, seriously - I sleep like a baby. I'm so tired all the time. | 101 |
| David Brenner | A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children. | 101 |
| Dylan Walsh | It's funny when people ask an actor what they want to play next, because you don't get to decide what you play. I don't know. I can only say this: I don't want to and have no interest in playing a plastic surgeon. That's for sure. I'm open to anything else. | 101 |
| Jonathan Rhys Meyers | That's a funny thing, fame. People definitely do treat you differently. When you begin to be successful, people say, 'Don't go changing.' Well, that's easy to say, but the fact is, you don't change at all - other people do. | 101 |
| Sam Huntington | There are movies that I love tonally, that I would love to emulate. Anything from Wes Anderson or the Coen brothers is right in my wheelhouse, as something that I would aspire to. I love that kind of indie, fun, colorful, funny, sweet, heartfelt but dark film. | 101 |
| Tex Avery | Let's make some funny pictures. | 101 |
| Alexander Woollcott | Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. | 101 |
| David Canary | To be able to make a good living in a challenging medium like soap operas is great. The best is that I get to act and am rewarded for it. And the people I work with are great. Funny, intelligent, hard working. They're all great to be around. | 101 |
| James Lipton | Comedians don't laugh. They're too busy analyzing why it's funny or not. | 101 |
| Jeff Garlin | There's only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh. | 101 |
| Joey Adams | Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. | 101 |
| Maggie Cheung | I've played a ghost, cat, snake. I've been funny, sad. I've been filmed flying on screen. So why not spend time on something else? I don't need to accept everything I'm offered. | 101 |
| Ricky Van Veen | Viral videos aren't just about being funny. They're about identity creation. | 101 |
| Rob Riggle | I love improv so much. Listening. I think that's the key. When you improvise, you put a lot of pressure on yourself to create, and to be generating information, and trying to be funny, but if you just listen to what's being said to you, and then react honestly, you generally get better results. | 101 |
| Simon Rich | At the end of the day I'm writing comedy. If you get too realistic as a comedy writer with your disasters, it stops being funny. | 101 |
| Jemima Kirke | By the way, I'm funniest when I'm not being funny. I'm better to laugh at than with, pretty much. | 101 |
| Malcolm D. Lee | I had a strong vision for 'The Best Man Holiday,' so I was able to translate that to the actors and ultimately to the screen. Things can't get too heavy or too outrageously funny; it has to strike a balance. Tone is everything. If you've set the right tone, you can get away with a lot of stuff. You can get away with making people cry. | 101 |
| Matt Lauer | It usually takes two people a little while to learn where the funny buttons are and testy buttons are. | 101 |
| Matthew Stafford | I really like 'Gladiator.' I like 'The Dark Knight.' I really liked, when I was a kid, 'U.S. Marshalls.' I like funny movies, too. 'Old School' and 'The Hangover.' 'The Hangover' was up there; I liked it. | 101 |
| Maxim Knight | In preschool, I would plan out my show-and-tell every week to be funny and exciting. Then in first grade I wrote a play, and my classmates and I performed it as a puppet show. | 101 |
| Jason Gann | My dad was in the army so we moved around a lot and I changed schools every year and had to make new friends, and I found that if I was the funny guy I could do that easier. | 101 |
| Jerry Stiller | During the Great Depression, when people laughed their worries disappeared. Audiences loved these funny men. I decided to become one. | 101 |
| Jarrett J. Krosoczka | I was raised by my grandparents, and they always made sure that I had a pencil and some paper, whether we were in the car or at a restaurant. While they were enjoying a nice meal, I would be sitting there drawing funny pictures of the waitress. | 101 |
| Jason Dohring | I feel for Veronica Mars so much when I'm watching at home. It is a wonderful story. The writing is consistently funny, biting, charming, heart-wrenching, etc. I also like the look of it. The cinematography - different from any other show. | 101 |
| Joseph Bologna | So to me, Texas Hold 'em puts me to sleep. At least when you play stud, you can be funny as you deal. Somebody some day is going to come up with a Stud show that's going to work. | 101 |
| Jacqueline Carey | It's funny, because in deference to conventional wisdom, I spent my struggling writer years trying to suppress my naturally baroque literary voice and write clean, spare prose. I finally gave up and embraced my baroque tendencies when I wrote the Kushiel series. | 101 |
| Jane Wagner | When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic. | 101 |
| Jason Wiles | I think on 'Third Watch' that I was the comic relief on a lot of that. I mean, I definitely had dark moments, but people tended to think he was funny even if the character himself wasn't having a fun time. | 101 |
| Abraham Lincoln | No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. | 102 |
| Mark Twain | Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. | 102 |
| Oscar Wilde | I can resist everything except temptation. | 102 |
| Arnold Schwarzenegger | It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat. | 102 |
| George Carlin | Weather forecast for tonight: dark. | 102 |
| Demetri Martin | I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming. | 102 |
| Samuel Beckett | We are all born mad. Some remain so. | 102 |
| Yogi Berra | I never said most of the things I said. | 102 |
| Bill Watterson | Reality continues to ruin my life. | 102 |
| Casey Stengel | All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. | 102 |
| Charles Kettering | Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax. | 102 |
| Christina Aguilera | So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year? | 102 |
| Daniel Tosh | It's funny... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one thing... the line you are not to cross. | 102 |
| David Letterman | I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. | 102 |
| Don Marquis | An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it. | 102 |
| Edward Abbey | Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top. | 102 |
| Elayne Boosler | I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. | 102 |
| Emma Stone | I think 'Saturday Night Live', starting in the 1970s, really gave women an outlet to be funny. A lot of those women went on to have film careers, from Kristen Wiig now to Tina Fey and Gilda Radner. | 102 |
| Fanny Brice | Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They don't expect it from you, and they don't want to see it. You're not entitled to be serious, you're a clown. | 102 |
| Fran Drescher | And remember, it's also very funny, because side by side with grief lies joy. | 102 |
| Ian MacKaye | I don't dismiss the music that I was involved with, I don't think it was a joke, I don't think it was funny or a phase, I don't think it was just something I was doing back then, to me it was who I am. It connects all the way through. I don't distance myself from any of it. | 102 |
| Idris Elba | It's really funny because the same people who loved me as Stringer Bell were the same people that were watching 'Daddy's Little Girls' literally in tears. | 102 |
| J. D. Salinger | It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to. | 102 |
| Jimmy Fallon | The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere. | 102 |
| Johnny Carson | If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. | 102 |
| Josh Billings | There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory. | 102 |
| Larry the Cable Guy | We try to make the name longer and longer every year. First, it was 'Larry the Cable Guy's Christmas Spectacular.' Then it was 'It's a Very Larry Christmas.' Now it's 'Larry the Cable Guy's Hula-palooza Christmas Luau.' I'll tell you what it is: It's funny. That's what it is. Who cares what the name of it is? It is a funny special. | 102 |
| Lenny Bruce | Communism is like one big phone company. | 102 |
| Louis Aragon | We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later. | 102 |
| Milton Berle | We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight. | 102 |
| P. G. Wodehouse | Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum. | 102 |
| Ron White | The next time you have a thought... let it go. | 102 |
| Seth Rogen | As soon as I realized you could be funny as a job, that was the job I wanted. | 102 |
| Shaun White | I wear black skinny-fit jeans - I can't get away from them. It's funny because I wore baggy jeans for ages, then one day my friend convinced me to try on a skinny pair and I thought they were great. | 102 |
| Spike Milligan | A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. | 102 |
| Steve Coogan | The great thing is that the funny side of getting old is fuel for my comedy. | 102 |
| Thomas Hardy | You can do anything with bayonets except sit on them. | 102 |
| Tyler Joseph | It's a funny thing. I'll be in my home town of Columbus at a restaurant or something, and the waiter maybe asks, 'What do you do?' and I say, 'Oh, I'm in a band... Twenty One Pilots,' and he'll say, 'Cool, I'll check it out. I never heard of them.' And then I say, 'In September we're playing the Schottenstein Center,' and it's like, 'What?!' | 102 |
| William Feather | One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute. | 102 |
| Ze Frank | I've been fascinated by the Internet from the very start. In 2001, I had made a funny black-and-white film called 'How to Dance Properly,' a short video of me dancing to a Madonna song. I sent it to 17 of my friends on a Thursday, and by Monday, one million people a day were logging on to view it. | 102 |
| Brooke Shields | Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. | 102 |
| Carrot Top | I've experienced plenty of times when something I think is funny doesn't do very well. And there are times when something I don't think is funny makes the audience laugh so hard. | 102 |
| Christopher Fry | What after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean. | 102 |
| David Carradine | I don't need to convince anybody that I know kung fu, but maybe somebody needs to know that I really can act, without doing a Chinese accent or a funny walk. | 102 |
| Elizabeth Meriwether | What does being a woman today mean? Is there a right way of doing it? Is there a wrong way of doing it? Different kinds of women, female friendships: It's all pretty funny, and worth making fun of. | 102 |
| Esther Williams | When you're out of sight for as long as I was, there's a funny feeling of betrayal that comes over people when they see you again. | 102 |
| Gabrielle Reece | Funny, how moms can tell you what to do no matter how old or big you are. | 102 |
| Hank Azaria | Being funny with a funny voice is more my comfort zone, a broader character that I try to humanize, a kind of silly or wacky persona that I try to fill in. | 102 |
| Hannah Murray | Turns out you have a really fun time if you go to work every day and focus on being silly and funny and happy! | 102 |
| Johnny Vegas | It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether. | 102 |
| Joseph Brodsky | Who included me among the ranks of the human race? | 102 |
| Jules Renard | Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. | 102 |
| Karen Duffy | My friend had a funny remark; he told me everybody has something - some people have a big butt, some people are insecure and at least you know what it is, even if it's a lump on your head. I know I have a lump on my head. | 102 |
| Lalu Prasad Yadav | I know some people say I can be funny. But there is always a deeper meaning to what I say. I am a socialist at heart and have the interests of the poor in mind. When people see how I manage to work my way out of tough situations, it gives them hope in their own life. | 102 |
| Leo Durocher | I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them? | 102 |
| Leslie Mann | I've always surrounded myself with funny people. | 102 |
| Martin Short | I think I'm funny because my family, my siblings were funny. | 102 |
| Mercedes McCambridge | I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room. | 102 |
| Mickey Rooney | I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern. | 102 |
| Nicole Holofcener | Filming is a funny combination of having a good time and not being able to wait until it's over. | 102 |
| Patrick Ness | I get tired of comedies where there are a bunch of funny guys and a beautiful woman who doesn't do anything funny. And I don't like books where there's a rough-and-tumble boy and a really clever, snotty girl. That's just not my experience with teenagers. | 102 |
| Rachel Platten | I refuse to dress 'hot' for Halloween, 'cause I always have to have makeup and hair and look cute for my job. So on Halloween, I either go gory or weird or funny. | 102 |
| Rainn Wilson | I think we're the only jokeless show on television. I mean really, we have no setups and no punch lines. It's not a joke show. There are funny lines and funny moments but again the comedy is born of the human experience and awkward pauses are a great part of what it is to be human. | 102 |
| Robert Crais | Sometimes I am so dry that people don't know I'm kidding and think I'm being serious. I enjoy this because their reactions are often funny. | 102 |
| Rosie Perez | In my circle of friends, I've always been loud and funny and talkative. But as soon as I step out of that circle, I get very quiet and introspective. I don't want the spotlight on me. | 102 |
| Seal | I mean, I'm married first of all to one of, if not the most wonderful women in the world. She is everything - funny, attractive, hard-working, she has integrity, she loves me to bits. | 102 |
| Benjamin Jowett | One man is as good as another until he has written a book. | 102 |
| Chris Eigeman | I really love showing up at work at 10 A.M., trying to make it funny until 3 P.M., and then going home. It's like comedy bankers' hours. | 102 |
| Christian Kane | It's funny that a lot of the fans of 'Angel' have come over and hung out with me on 'Leverage.' I was so fortunate to have been on that show. It created one of the best fan groups ever. I just have the best fans in the world. | 102 |
| Eric Roberts | Sylvester Stallone is very funny and he's a great guy to hang out with. | 102 |
| Haylie Duff | It's funny the way life works. Sometimes you go around in a weird path to find out exactly what it is that you love to do, and I'm happy that I've sort of discovered something that makes me really happy. | 102 |
| Jean Giraudoux | Only the mediocre are always at their best. | 102 |
| John Krasinski | Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they're down, and when they're having a good time, I can carry on the joke. | 102 |
| Kate Klise | I want to give kids that fall-off-the-bed-laughing feeling. Either that, or the sixth-grade feeling that life is hard - sometimes unbearably hard - and it is ultimately about death. But in the meantime, life can be really funny, too. | 102 |
| Katie McGrath | Maybe people don't see me as believable playing a person of today. I guess I'm just more realistic in a corset and funny hairstyles. | 102 |
| Keegan-Michael Key | I'm tall and thin but not strong, so you're either an athlete or you're funny. | 102 |
| Louie Anderson | I had been asking the universe and God to send me a way for me to help me. Show business has been so wonderful to me, and it came in the form of that. It's just so funny how things come into your life, and if you take a chance on them, it might give you a brand new life. | 102 |
| Ludivine Sagnier | It's funny because I remember when I came to the U.S. with 'Swimming Pool,' the movie did well, and it was great box office for a French movie, but I remember I was a bit upset because all people talked to me about was the nudity. | 102 |
| Malin Akerman | Who doesn't love a funny girl who can look sexy at the same time? | 102 |
| Matt LeBlanc | I have funny bones. If there's ever any kind of tension, I'll always be the one to try and be funny to loosen things up. | 102 |
| Richard Lewis | When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life. | 102 |
| Rickie Fowler | Some of my fans don't really like it when I respond to people who say things that are trying to be hurtful on social media. But I think it's kind of funny. There's a lot of things that make me laugh, that people would try and say those things. I mean, there's some that I can't even retweet or respond to just because of how bad it is. | 102 |
| Robert Osborne | Lana Turner was adorable and funny. Jimmy Stewart was such a nice person. I quickly realized that if you're not a nice person, you're not going to last in this business. I mean, once your box office starts to drop off, like Veronica Lake, they'll get rid of you fast. | 102 |
| Sally Phillips | I have a lot of funny friends, though not everyone's funny all the time. Doon Mackichan's my funniest friend in the pub; Nina Conti's the funniest with a monkey. | 102 |
| Will Forte | I don't know if I was a funny kid. I would say I was a loud and weird kid. | 102 |
| Caroline Rhea | Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Saks. | 102 |
| Chad Michael Murray | To all the girls out there who think being funny is not sexy, you are wrong! | 102 |
| Eugene Chadbourne | I play these sort of comical instruments I invented, like the electric rake and the electric plunger. I do a lot of almost stand-up comedy material. Just the juxtaposition of the different styles in itself sometimes is funny. Like, I do sort of an acoustic version of 'Purple Haze' that has some bluegrass licks in it. | 102 |
| Luis von Ahn | Game design is a funny thing. There are people out there who are really good at it, but it's not clear that they can teach it. It's a very intuitive process. It's an art. | 102 |
| Margaret Geller | There are things done under the name of science which are ridiculous. But there is also stuff done which sounds funny but is really serious. | 102 |
| Rob Delaney | The best thing you can do when you're not feeling funny is go out and get more stimuli from the world, get out and walk around, read a book, go talk to some birds or a dog and replenish the well, as it were. | 102 |
| George M. Cohan | Hurried and worried until we're buried, and there's no curtain call, Lifes a very funny proposition after all. | 102 |
| Bill Copeland | After all is said and done, sit down. | 102 |
| David Brenner | When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine. | 102 |
| Jason Mitchell | I already have two movies in the can, low-key, which are 'Vincent-N-Roxxy' and 'Keanu' with Key and Peele, which is my first comedy, and it's going to be super dope, definitely funny. They're so great, and they've been such life coaches to me. | 102 |
| Julia Louis-Dreyfus | I have no agenda except to be funny. Neither I or the writers profess to offer any worldly wisdom. | 102 |
| Anthony LaPaglia | Steve Martin is one of the most intelligent, well-read human beings that I've ever come across. He is equally as funny off screen as he is on. But he also has a very intellectual side, and he's a really nice human being. We actually become good friends. | 102 |
| Cameron Boyce | Kevin Hart. He's the man! I like his style. He's short, so I can relate. All the stories he tells are real. I respect that, and he's just a really funny dude - great comedy instincts. To do stand-up on a stage for an hour and tell stories and make people laugh is incredible. | 102 |
| Jeff Ross | I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be. | 102 |
| Mark Feuerstein | I just recently joined Twitter. It's very positive - I love all the accolades. If my ego is hurting, I can just open my Twitter account and see 'Oh, I love you! I love the show!' and it's great. I'm trying to find the balance between trying to be funny, being honest and just being a promoter as the guy on 'Royal Pains.' | 102 |
| Mark Valley | I think it's one of those funny things - sometimes you're not really friends with somebody until you've gotten into a good fight, and I think that's the situation with Superman and Batman. | 102 |
| Al Jolson | I have seen and heard comedians who had really funny 'stuff' but yet could not make the people laugh; then, again - I have seen others whose stuff was anything but humorous, and the audience would howl with laughter. | 102 |
| Alexis Ohanian | Being effective at social media, whether for business or personal use, means capturing people who have short attention spans. They're only a click away from a picture of a funny cat, so you have to make your thing more compelling than that cat. And that can be a high bar. | 102 |
| James Wolk | I had just finished working on a play, and we started to talk to the 'Happy Endings' folks. There was interest from both sides, which was exciting, because I thought it was very fresh. Adam Pally's just a really funny, talented dude. I thought I'd be great to jump on and do some comedy. | 102 |
| Jason Segel | If you can find the line between sympathetic and creepy, you have reached a very funny area. | 102 |
| Madeline Kahn | I find being funny very hard work. I am always asked about it, and I feel guilty saying that, but it's the truth. I love my work, but it ain't easy. | 102 |
| Julie Brown | I think you figure out how to be funny by necessity. It's not a natural thing, being funny in the face of tragedy is kind of demented. | 102 |
| Jez Butterworth | Writing for 'Rooster' was a strange experience. It's funny, once you tap into a voice, words just start to flow. You know when you've hit a spirit or captured something. | 102 |
| Benjamin Franklin | Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. | 103 |
| Mark Twain | Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. | 103 |
| Theodore Roosevelt | If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month. | 103 |
| Groucho Marx | I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. | 103 |
| Rodney Dangerfield | I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. | 103 |
| Phyllis Diller | I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. | 103 |
| Herbert Hoover | All men are equal before fish. | 103 |
| Bill Cosby | There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God. | 103 |
| Bob Hope | I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. | 103 |
| Colin Quinn | Marie Antoinette was funny, I'm sure she was just misinterpreted. You know the 'Let them eat cake' line. She seems like she was kind of funny, like a Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin type. | 103 |
| E. B. White | Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts. | 103 |
| Elayne Boosler | I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me. | 103 |
| Emma Stone | My parents are both very funny but they're also relatively soft-spoken, normal human beings while I'm just a lunatic. I don't know where this loud, ballsy, hammy ridiculousness came from. I'm just glad I followed my goals and my parents did too. It's not like we even had a plan when I dragged my mom to Los Angeles. | 103 |
| George Lopez | Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them. | 103 |
| Henny Youngman | If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. | 103 |
| Howard Nemerov | I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier. | 103 |
| Ian Hislop | My mother was a terrific force in my life. Wartime-generation woman, hadn't gone to university but should have done. Was very funny, very verbal, very clever, very witty. | 103 |
| Jim Gaffigan | Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've got to see where that point of view fits or produces the most funny. | 103 |
| Johnny Carson | I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. | 103 |
| Kristen Stewart | I had to act in a school play when I was about ten years old. I really didn't want to do it. But everyone had to do it so I didn't have a choice. A talent agent came and watched it and later gave me some work. It's funny because I'd always known that I wanted a movie career. I just didn't think that I would be in the movies. | 103 |
| Lewis Black | There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. | 103 |
| Lil' Kim | I like bowling. I suck at it, but I like it. You know what's so funny? I have days when I'm absolutely great at doing it, and then I have days when I just don't understand it. | 103 |
| Neneh Cherry | There's been a lot of coming home in the early mornings after funny nights out, having bizarre sandwiches in bed. | 103 |
| Norman Wisdom | I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry. | 103 |
| Paul Feig | What I don't like is when I see stuff that I know has had a lot of improv done or is playing around where there's no purpose to the scene other than to just be funny. What you don't want is funny scene, funny scene, funny scene, and now here's the epiphany scene and then the movie's over. | 103 |
| Reba McEntire | To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone. | 103 |
| Red Skelton | Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime. | 103 |
| Robert Benchley | I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. | 103 |
| Spike Milligan | How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. | 103 |
| Wavy Gravy | Keep your sense of humor, my friend; if you don't have a sense of humor it just isn't funny anymore. | 103 |
| Wesley Snipes | I love being a dad, it keeps me fit and inspired and children are so funny. They always supply you with acting material! | 103 |
| Yul Vazquez | It's funny, because I've never thought of myself as a Hispanic actor, like in 'American Gangster,' I'm playing an Italian. I've always been fortunate enough to have been allowed to play all these diverse roles. | 103 |
| Andre Maurois | Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know. | 103 |
| Arthur Smith | Ninety-eight per cent of laughter is nothing to do with jokes, which do not deserve to bear the weight of all the funny stuff in the world. | 103 |
| Chris Squire | Being called a 'music legend' is a very funny thing. It's nice to know that my work has been appreciated and that people have given me that status. On a personal level, however, I can't think about it too much. It means a lot... but then it doesn't. | 103 |
| Craig Bruce | It's funny how social activists usually protest against the only things that have a credible chance of achieving the activists' goals. | 103 |
| Daryl Hall | If you take a bunch of superstars and put them in a room where they don't have their assistants and entourage, it's funny to see what happens. | 103 |
| Emily Browning | With my boyfriend, we can make sexist jokes to each other because we know it's absolutely not true. If I get home from a long day and he says: 'Go on, get in the kitchen,' it's funny because we know it's not our lives. | 103 |
| Jack Benny | If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. | 103 |
| Jay London | My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. | 103 |
| Jimmy Carr | I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way. | 103 |
| Kim Fields | It's funny how God will just keep using you, and our motto around our family forever has been, 'Just let Him use you.' | 103 |
| Lucy Punch | Someone told me I had funny facial expressions. I don't know whether I take that as a compliment or not, but. | 103 |
| Patrick Warburton | So, deadpan I think just means not acknowledging for one second that you think that this is funny and clever. | 103 |
| Tim Heidecker | There is nothing funny about a well-adjusted, intelligent person making the right choices. | 103 |
| Tracey Ullman | As I get older, I just prefer to knit. | 103 |
| Whitney Cummings | I'm the one who's dating the craft-service guy instead of the producer. Plus, if a producer is going to date a hot young thing, I'm probably not the first person on their list - the weird, quirky, funny girl. | 103 |
| Cathy Guisewite | Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself. | 103 |
| Chris Isaak | I remember listening to the radio as a kid and finding that the songs always made me feel more peaceful. Funny, but the more hurtin' the music was, the better it made me feel. I think of that now when I write my songs. I may not be feelin' the blues myself, but I'm writing them for other people who have a hard life. | 103 |
| Darren Criss | When I was in college, I was in the theater department, which for anyone who has been involved in any kind of theater program, you know that it's really wacky and tight-knit, a real family. Me and my good friends from college would do random shows and plays that were sometimes serious, but most of the time really goofy and funny. | 103 |
| Ken Marino | To go from working with a group of people in a sketch-comedy show on a small network, where it was all about just creating funny stuff, to being on a network show, and the pressures of that, and getting to know the new people who were involved in it. There was a learning curve for me. But it was an education. | 103 |
| Leonard Maltin | Shakespeare wrote great plays that we're still watching all these years later. Charlie Chaplin made great comedies and they are still as funny today as they ever were. | 103 |
| Lisa Scottoline | I love writing both fiction and memoir. Both have unique challenges; bottom line, fiction is hard because you have to come up with the credible, twisty plot, and memoir is hard because you have to say something true and profound, albeit in a funny way. | 103 |
| Marion Barry | I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican. | 103 |
| Paula Danziger | I made the choice long ago to write about real life. And life is both serious and funny. | 103 |
| Phillip Noyce | People just don't laugh when their family is violated, and you don't shrug it off. You band together and you defend together. It's a funny, primitive instinct. | 103 |
| Rachel Dratch | Many comedians have a dark side that lets them take a negative thing and turn it funny. | 103 |
| Wendy Liebman | I think there have always been funny women, from Carol Burnett to Joan Rivers. When the audience sees a woman, they innately know she's worked twice as hard to get there, she's had to prove that she can be the leader, first, and then be funny on top of it. She has to emit a confidence that she's in control. | 103 |
| Andrew Stanton | Even as a kid I was never the generator of humor, but I always knew who was funny, who to hang out with. | 103 |
| Bill Moyers | I own and operate a ferocious ego. | 103 |
| Calista Flockhart | A lot of the tabloid stories are written so well, they're very clever and very funny. But you have to focus on what's really important and not read them - don't dive into it and don't get caught up in it. | 103 |
| Claude Pepper | A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.' | 103 |
| Dionne Bromfield | Twitter's a funny one. I mean, it's good in some respects, but I can't stand it in other respects. You know there are too many opinions, people get opinions mixed up, and people get being rude mixed up with 'that's my opinion.' | 103 |
| Joaquin Phoenix | I have this horrible sense of humor where I think discomfort is funny - partly because I experience discomfort a lot, and it's a way of laughing at it and getting a release. | 103 |
| Lee Hall | I don't really find things funny unless they're deeply tragic at the same time. I think if you're funny just for the sake of being funny, it's just frivolous nonsense. To me, all the best comic plays have been written about really serious and rather bleak things. | 103 |
| Lulu | I have a crush on Steve Tyler. He's funny, he rocks, and has a voice like a god. There is another one who I have discovered can sing. I should try and make an album with him... it's Barack Obama! | 103 |
| Maximilian Schell | Well, I did Marlene 15 years ago and that's in the style. It's somehow similar and not similar because Marlene was much more aggressive, funny and sad. | 103 |
| Rob Corddry | If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer. | 103 |
| Tim Hetherington | The funny thing about war is that people feel you need to be morally outraged. I feel morally outraged about it, and I've been doing it for long enough to feel morally outraged, because I have been in massacre scenes in West Africa, and I've been doing this for a long time now. | 103 |
| Caroline Winberg | Everyone tells me I have a funny accent. It's because I copy people. I learned English at school but have best friends who are French, Australian, English and American; a very weird mix. | 103 |
| Chandler Parsons | I'm very lighthearted, outgoing, friendly, and funny, so I like to try new things. | 103 |
| Ruby Wax | I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced. | 103 |
| Doug Stanhope | The Internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not. | 103 |
| Marcelene Cox | If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents. | 103 |
| Roy Orbison | I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire. | 103 |
| Jaime King | But the funny thing is, I broke my finger not on set doing kung fu. I broke my finger when I fell down the stairs prior to going on set. | 103 |
| Ellen DeGeneres | I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn't like me for being... me. | 104 |
| Gloria Steinem | I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. | 104 |
| Rodney Dangerfield | The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. | 104 |
| Stephen Hawking | Life would be tragic if it weren't funny. | 104 |
| Steven Wright | What's another word for Thesaurus? | 104 |
| Adlai E. Stevenson | A funny thing happened to me on the way to the White House. | 104 |
| Bette Davis | I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair. | 104 |
| Charles M. Schulz | I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. | 104 |
| Daniel Tosh | I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit. | 104 |
| Dick Cavett | To label me an intellectual is a misunderstanding of what that is. | 104 |
| Don Marquis | Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint. | 104 |
| Elmore Leonard | I would say just start writing. You've got to write every day. Copy someone that you like if you think that perhaps could become your sound, too. I did that with Hemingway, and I thought I was writing just like Hemingway. Then all of a sudden it occurred to me - he didn't have a sense of humor. I don't know anything he's written that's funny. | 104 |
| Flip Wilson | Funny is not a color. Being black is only good from the time you get from the curtain to the microphone. | 104 |
| George A. Romero | For a Catholic kid in parochial school, the only way to survive the beatings - by classmates, not the nuns - was to be the funny guy. | 104 |
| George Burns | If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. | 104 |
| Hailee Steinfeld | The shooting of the guns, that was kind of funny, because rolling a cigarette and shooting a gun aren't like normal things for a 13-year old girl! | 104 |
| Issa Rae | I'll stick to finding the funny in the ordinary because my life is pretty ordinary and so are the lives of my friends - and my friends are hilarious. | 104 |
| Kevin Systrom | It's funny: I was a photographer before I was a programmer. | 104 |
| Les Dawson | I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. | 104 |
| Lupita Nyong'o | It's so funny, you go to acting school thinking you're going to learn how to be other people, but really it taught me how to be myself. Because it's in understanding yourself deeply that you can lend yourself to another person's circumstances and another person's experience. | 104 |
| Mason Cooley | Cure for an obsession: get another one. | 104 |
| Milton Berle | You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. | 104 |
| Nicholson Baker | Wikipedia is just an incredible thing. It is fact-encirclingly huge, and it is idiosyncratic, careful, messy, funny, shocking and full of simmering controversies - and it is free, and it is fast. | 104 |
| Nick Jonas | It sounds funny, but my biggest fear is that I'm not perfect. I'm a perfectionist, and I get upset when things go wrong or when I don't do well. | 104 |
| Norm MacDonald | Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny. | 104 |
| Norman Douglas | Never take a solemn oath. People think you mean it. | 104 |
| O. Henry | If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry. | 104 |
| Oona Chaplin | When people say 'Charlie Chaplin' I still think now of the guy in the moustache and bowler hat and funny walk - I don't think of an old man who was my grandfather. | 104 |
| Paula Deen | I don't care what the haters and naysayers say. If they make jokes about me, I'll laugh because they'll probably be funny. | 104 |
| Samuel Goldwyn | I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. | 104 |
| Steve Irwin | You know, you can touch a stick of dynamite, but if you touch a venomous snake it'll turn around and bite you and kill you so fast it's not even funny. | 104 |
| Tucker Max | No one wants to read a story where I saw a cute puppy on the street and I petted it. I mean, that's not funny. I only write about the funny stuff. | 104 |
| Will Ferrell | I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time. | 104 |
| Anthony Jeselnik | I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny. | 104 |
| Bill Engvall | It's funny: people who meet me say, 'I thought you'd be different.' But I'm still the same guy. | 104 |
| Brittany Snow | I'm so single. It's funny. I'm usually a relationship girl. I love being in love and having a partner in crime. But it's good to be your own partner in crime. God, that makes me sound like I have multiple-personality disorder. | 104 |
| Calvin Trillin | As far as I'm concerned, 'whom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler. | 104 |
| Cheryl Ladd | I'm mourning with the rest of the world for the talented, gorgeous, funny, intelligent John Forsythe but my heart is broken for the loss of my dear, dear friend and neighbor. I will miss him terribly. | 104 |
| Elisha Cuthbert | Life is funny and it is interesting how we make it as serious as possible. | 104 |
| H. R. Giger | You know, I said I have this problem that I need to more carefully read Akron's text because it's too much, too much fantasy, and so I am busy with other stuff - it's funny, it's nice to hear that someone is studying that carefully and now I know a little bit more about that. | 104 |
| Herb Caen | I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I've ever met. | 104 |
| Jay Leno | Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. | 104 |
| Jean-Luc Godard | To be or not to be. That's not really a question. | 104 |
| Lauren Graham | I didn't grow up identifying with beauty. I grew up thinking I could be smart and funny - those are the things I got feedback on. | 104 |
| Marlon Wayans | If you could cross a lion and a monkey, that's what I'd be, because monkeys are funny and lions are strong. | 104 |
| Matthew Bourne | My company is known for being funny as well as moving. You get a bit of everything in these shows. I think people know they're going to have a surprising experience. | 104 |
| Medgar Evers | It may sound funny, but I love the South. I don't choose to live anywhere else. There's land here, where a man can raise cattle, and I'm going to do it some day. | 104 |
| Mary Tyler Moore | I just like the continue doing what I've been doing. A melange of funny, straight drama, television, movies, a little theater here and there wouldn't hurt. So if I can keep doing that, I'll be a very happy person. | 104 |
| Nancy Meyers | Movies don't look hard, but figuring it out, getting the shape of it, getting everybody's character right and having it be funny, make sense and be romantic, it's creating a puzzle. Yes, having been a writer for so long, I have an awareness of when things are going awry, but it doesn't mean I know how to fix them. | 104 |
| Nick Kroll | My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don't know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny. | 104 |
| Pattie Boyd | It was great fun to hang around the Beatles. They had amazingly fast minds, and they were incredibly amusing and funny and witty. They were great. There was a very high energy surrounding them. | 104 |
| Psy | I'm not that good looking. That's why 'Gangnam Style' works. If someone handsome uses that phrase it's just awkward. But if someone like me uses it, it's funny. | 104 |
| Terry Zwigoff | I try to make a film that's very entertaining, very funny, but also gives you something to think about. And the strongest thing I have to offer is my point of view, to get across how I see the world in hopes that it can change the way other people see the world, hopefully for the better. | 104 |
| Todd Phillips | There's a darkness under 'The Hangover' because ultimately there's a missing person and it's not really that funny. There's a sort of darkness under it that I love, and still people are laughing as hard if not harder than they did in 'Old School.' | 104 |
| Tracey Ullman | I think serial monogamy says it all. | 104 |
| Emily Giffin | It's a funny thing - when I'm crazed with work, spending time with my children relaxes me. Yet, at the end of a long weekend with them, the very thing I need to relax is a little work and time away from them! | 104 |
| George S. Kaufman | When I was born I owed twelve dollars. | 104 |
| Louis Sachar | I remember my fourth grade teacher reading 'Charlotte's Web' and 'Stuart Little' to us - both, of course, by E. B. White. His stories were genuinely funny, thought provoking and full of irony and charm. He didn't condescend to his readers, which was why I liked his books, and why I wasn't a big reader of other children's' books. | 104 |
| Malin Akerman | The funny thing is that my husband couldn't be sweeter. He looks like this bad boy. He's got tattoos and earrings and a mohawk, but when you talk to him and he's around you, he's such a gentleman. He holds doors for ladies. He pulls out chairs. He cooks. He cleans. | 104 |
| Michael Cera | My parents are both really, really funny, and my little sister is a really good painter, and my other sister is a really good writer. | 104 |
| Richard Lewis | I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back. | 104 |
| Rickie Fowler | All you can do is really the prep work and make sure you're ready to hit each golf shot. Outside of that, you're not sure really what's going to happen. It's a funny game, but I think that's why I love it. You never know, one day to the next; you could go shoot 62, and the next day you're going to shoot 78, and you can't predict it. | 104 |
| Robert Osborne | I think 'Elf' is funny, with Will Ferrell. That's a great Christmas movie. | 104 |
| Todd McFarlane | If I ever do anything, it actually might be some fantasy elf thing or even some cute, funny thing. Just to do something a little bit out of the ordinary. I've done my superhero gig. | 104 |
| Anthony Anderson | I realized my family was funny, because nobody ever wanted to leave our house. | 104 |
| Evanna Lynch | People like her because she's like a breath of fresh air. Because in the fifth book it gets so dark and Harry's always cross and then every time Luna comes in all the tension goes and she makes you laugh because she's so funny and really honest. I don't know how much I'm like her, there are some similarities but I'm more determined than her. | 104 |
| Jared Padalecki | I'd love to do a comedy. I'm terrified of comedy. I don't think I'm funny, but I guess that's why it's so thrilling. | 104 |
| Joe Bastianich | Selling wine is all about sizing people up, and it takes a certain amount of chutzpah. The tableside bottle sell is a very funny thing - you take a look at the guy's blazer, what kind of shoes he's wearing, what kind of broad he's with. Is he trying to be a hero? | 104 |
| Roland Joffe | I'm not a very serious person. You know how they say that clowns are very funny in public and are really sad at home? I'm really kind of stupid at home and more serious in public. | 104 |
| Jimmy Durante | My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. | 104 |
| Mark Waters | Kids are funny. | 104 |
| Michael Bergin | I wasn't even 20 at the time, but it taught me something about drugs. They can take a good man, a warm, funny, loving family man, and turn him into a loser and worse. | 104 |
| Richard Ayoade | A lot of comedies are based on the reaction shot. You have one person doing something stupid and one person is generally the straight man, and the laughs generally come on the reaction of the straight man to the funny thing the other person has done. | 104 |
| James L. Brooks | I laugh every day. There are days when my laughs are pretty hollow. Dust comes out of your mouth, and your bones make a funny sound. But I'm laughing. | 104 |
| Jeff Ross | Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere. | 104 |
| Jennette McCurdy | Every girls' night needs a funny movie and a good conversation about guys! My friends and I also love picking outfits out for each other to try on at slumber parties. It's so fun. | 104 |
| Jeremy Northam | The space and light up there in Norfolk is wonderfully peaceful. I find myself doing funny things like gardening, and cooking, which I rarely do in London. | 104 |
| Jessica Ennis | It's quite funny in that I once won Rear of the Year at my school! I was about 17 in the sixth form and we used to have an end of year celebration and give out different awards. I even got a little trophy! | 104 |
| John Leguizamo | I like drama. I love being in a drama where I get to be the funny guy. That's what I really love the most. | 104 |
| Jenna McCarthy | I don't care how handsome or fabulous or funny the groom is, or how sweet and accommodating the bride, or vice versa. Marriage is hard. | 104 |
| Jane Wagner | All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. | 104 |
| John Baldessari | That word 'funny' always makes me feel uncomfortable. Because if I were trying to be funny, I would be something like Bill Wegman - he really tries to be funny. I don't try to be funny. It's just that I feel the world is a little bit absurd and off-kilter, and I'm sort of reporting. | 104 |
| Ellen DeGeneres | Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings. | 105 |
| Eminem | Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends. | 105 |
| Groucho Marx | A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. | 105 |
| Robin Williams | If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. | 105 |
| Phyllis Diller | Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? | 105 |
| Alice Roosevelt Longworth | He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle. | 105 |
| Benicio Del Toro | It's funny, but when I arrived in California to start college I was much more interested in becoming a surfer and cruise along in life from one beach to the next. I didn't plan out any huge career for myself. | 105 |
| Bill Burr | My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious. | 105 |
| Dennis Miller | I rant, therefore I am. | 105 |
| Eddie Izzard | Never put a sock in a toaster. | 105 |
| Jean Baudrillard | There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world. | 105 |
| Jeff Kinney | Working with Dav Pilkey was a dream come true. Dav is incredibly funny, and he's been a hero of mine for a long time. It was great bringing the 'Wimpy Kid' and 'Captain Underpants' worlds together! | 105 |
| Joan Rivers | If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. | 105 |
| Ken Kesey | You can't really be strong until you see a funny side to things. | 105 |
| Laurence J. Peter | Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. | 105 |
| Lily Tomlin | If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? | 105 |
| Margot Robbie | There's nothing I dislike more than being in a photo shoot where they say, 'Be yourself.' That's not why I became an actress. That's what I find so funny: that you become an actor, and all of a sudden, everyone wants to know about you. But I didn't become an actor so I could show you me. | 105 |
| Noah Baumbach | It's funny, I'm very analytical in my real life, but in terms of my films, I try to not analyze them at all and let things just go into them and let them be what they are. I mean, people ask me to this day what 'The Squid and the Whale' stood for, and I have no idea except that it's an exhibit in the Natural History Museum. | 105 |
| Paula Poundstone | I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings. | 105 |
| Robert Gottlieb | Paul Taylor's 'Offenbach Overtures' has lots of zip and charm, and its pair of dueling soldiers in red, who end up starry-eyed about each other while their disgusted seconds take up the quarrel, is nonstop funny. | 105 |
| Stephen Fry | I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me. | 105 |
| Terry Crews | I call myself the Amusement Park. That's because I'm funny and scary at the same time. | 105 |
| Tracy Morgan | Being funny wasn't a career choice growing up, it was my way out of situations; a way to survive another day. | 105 |
| Will Ferrell | The funny guy doesn't get the girl until later in life. High school, college, everyone still wants the brooding, dangerous guy you shouldn't have. | 105 |
| Wilson Mizner | Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something. | 105 |
| Zach Galifianakis | Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious. | 105 |
| Alex Haley | Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help. | 105 |
| Charles Dudley Warner | Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. | 105 |
| David Lange | It's a funny thing when you think you're dead. You're not terrified of it anymore. There's a sort of a epiphany to religious thing; it's not sort of church-based, but you end up with a serenity which you didn't have before, and I just simply enjoy it. It really does sound stupid, but I've got to tell you it's made my life. | 105 |
| Evan Peters | I think it's harder to go from comedy to drama than from drama to comedy. Seeing you dramatic all the time, they crave to see you being silly or funny. But, seeing you in comedy all the time, it's hard to see that person go be serious, for some reason. | 105 |
| J. Michael Straczynski | There's a rule of writing: if everything is funny, nothing is funny; if everything is sad, nothing is sad. You want that contrast. | 105 |
| Jimmy Carr | I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me. | 105 |
| Kapil Sharma | My mother is very funny. She is from a village; she has a typical village kind of humour. Often she says a lot of things she herself isn't aware is a punch line. | 105 |
| Maisie Williams | I haven't done Vine in a long time, and when I first started, I just did stuff that I thought was funny. | 105 |
| Mike Nichols | I never understand when people say, 'Do you do comedy or tragedy?' I don't think they're very much different. They both have to be true, and there isn't a great play in the world that doesn't have funny parts to it - as 'Salesman' does, as 'King Lear' does. The whole idea is to reflect life in some way, which means surely you have to have both. | 105 |
| Scott Hamilton | What was really funny is that as I got older all those guys who called me a sissy in junior high school wanted me to be their best friend because they wanted to meet all the girls that I knew in figure skating. | 105 |
| Seann William Scott | I'm never afraid to try something if I think it's funny. And I know I'll regret it if I don't. | 105 |
| Sloane Crosley | It's funny. People often compare me to other humor essayists. They're usually quite nice comparisons; I will accept those gladly. But I am always sort of appalled at the idea of being lumped with other, more chick-y female writers. And the truth is probably that neither comparison is accurate. | 105 |
| Taylor Lautner | I like to have fun, but I don't think of myself as being funny. But I'm a big jokester, so I make fun of myself a lot! | 105 |
| Tracey Ullman | Why does everyone think the future is space helmets, silver foil, and talking like computers, like a bad episode of Star Trek? | 105 |
| Banks | It's funny because everyone says, 'Oh you're reclusive; you don't do social media,' but it's not about being reclusive. I like direct contact, and I like contact that's purposeful. | 105 |
| Cathy Guisewite | Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups. | 105 |
| Gordon Strachan | I'm afraid that this is me getting on my high horse now but we have yob television, yob newspapers, and funny enough whereas it was my mum and dad, school, police, church who used to set the standards, now it's tabloids and yob television who set the standards by which people live. | 105 |
| J. Tillman | Funny is a good foil. Humor is illuminating, and it also gives you power. | 105 |
| Jen Kirkman | Don't make being a girl or a victim part of your stand-up act. If you encounter sexism in the business, don't bring it on stage; it's not funny. | 105 |
| Maya Rudolph | I've never set out to write a funny movie or be a funny comedian as a woman. I am a woman. I don't really have a choice in the matter. My goal is just to be funny. | 105 |
| Michael Bay | I allow a lot of room for improvisation and funny stuff. I always feel planned. | 105 |
| Abel Ferrara | It's funny, the hardest thing to do is to make something look like it's fast, loose and improvised, and get somebody to laugh. | 105 |
| David Chase | When I was a kid, I used to watch 'Laurel and Hardy' with my cousins all the time. I still think they're extremely funny and so surreal. | 105 |
| Joseph Gordon-Levitt | As soon as you are trying to be funny or dramatic, that's when things start feeling fake and boring. | 105 |
| Laurence Fishburne | It's funny, a lot of people think I take myself seriously because I come off so serious sometimes. But it's not that I take myself seriously, I take what I do seriously. | 105 |
| Ryan Guzman | Funny story: I was hanging out with Adam Shankman for Samantha Ronson's birthday, and Lance Bass was there. I don't really know Lance, but he comes over to me and goes, 'Hey, I just wanted to let you know I'm a fan of 'Pretty Little Liars' and I'm rooting for your character.' It was surreal! That's how 'PLL' has changed my life. | 105 |
| Seth Grahame-Smith | My job on 'Dark Shadows' was to make it fun and funny, first and foremost. It can still be dark and it can still even be gory and gothic at times, but it also needed to be fun and it needed to be an experience that people would enjoy having. | 105 |
| Alan Vega | That's something - you laugh about Eminem... It's funny, man, because I didn't like him when he first came out, ya know. It seemed like a big joke. But I think the guy's for real, and I like his lyrics! | 105 |
| Don Herold | There's one thing about baldness, it's neat. | 105 |
| Don Knotts | I don't think just funny is enough on Broadway. | 105 |
| Louis XIV | I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women. | 106 |
| Neil Gaiman | Great, big, serious novels always get awards. If it's a battle between a great, big, serious novel and a funny novel, the funny novel is doomed. | 106 |
| Calvin Coolidge | I have never been hurt by what I have not said. | 106 |
| Mae West | Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. | 106 |
| Steve Martin | Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is. | 106 |
| Adam Lambert | 'Come out' is so funny to me because I've never been in. | 106 |
| Ben Stein | Screaming at children over their grades, especially to the point of the child's tears, is child abuse, pure and simple. It's not funny and it's not good parenting. It is a crushing, scarring, disastrous experience for the child. It isn't the least bit funny. | 106 |
| Bill Hicks | It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious. | 106 |
| Billy Wilder | If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you. | 106 |
| Bob Hope | I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty. | 106 |
| Bob Newhart | With the stand-up comic on TV, whether it's Seinfeld or Cosby or Roseanne, more important than their knowledge of how to tell a joke is their knowledge of themselves, or the persona they've created as themselves. So that when you're in a room with writers, you can say, 'Guys, that's a funny line, but I wouldn't say it.' | 106 |
| Chevy Chase | All my children inherited perfect pitch. | 106 |
| Daniel Tosh | I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower. | 106 |
| H. G. Wells | Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race. | 106 |
| Jeremy Clarkson | I don't think I am particularly funny. In fact, I know I'm not. | 106 |
| Joe E. Lewis | The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love. | 106 |
| Lenny Kravitz | I'm half Jewish, I'm half black, I look in-between. I dress funny. I play all these different styles of music on one record. It's like, What is he doing? | 106 |
| Martin Lawrence | I don't like forcing comedy and people just trying to do things just to find a funny beat all the time. | 106 |
| Naguib Mahfouz | God did not intend religion to be an exercise club. | 106 |
| Noah Baumbach | As a kid, I thought of myself as a funny person who secretly wanted to be serious, but now I think maybe I'm a serious person who secretly wants to be funny. | 106 |
| P. G. Wodehouse | Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them. | 106 |
| Quentin Crisp | Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave. | 106 |
| Robert Byrne | Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell. | 106 |
| Sam Kinison | What am I responsible for? Who am I responsible to? Everybody? How come when Archie Bunker nailed everybody, it was funny - but when I do it, it's not? | 106 |
| Tom Hanks | At the end of the day it's got to be a good movie, it's got to be a funny movie, and it's got to make people think, 'Hey, I couldn't have spent my time any better.' | 106 |
| Vir Das | I have a rule - 'funny is funny!' When I write comedy, it's not my aim to upset people. I will be offensive, edgy and immature, but I will also be very intelligent and relevant. At my shows, there are no holy cows. | 106 |
| Wilson Mizner | Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave. | 106 |
| Jay London | I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights. | 106 |
| Jerry Lewis | Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands. | 106 |
| Jonah Hill | 'Funny People' is my favorite performance of myself to date. Even though it's a comedy and there are serious moments, I really felt like Leo felt like a real person. It didn't feel like I was playing myself. Whether it's a comedy or drama, I just try to make it as realistic as possible. | 106 |
| Michael Buble | I am a candid interview and I have a dark and dry sense of humor - a very Canadian sense of humor and I am only learning now stupidly that you can't read tongue. When I say something funny in a newspaper and I meant it to be funny, it doesn't read that way. | 106 |
| Bill Vaughan | Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. | 106 |
| John Krasinski | Boston is actually the capital of the world. You didn't know that? We breed smart-ass, quippy, funny people. Not that I'm one of them. I just sorta sneaked in under the radar. | 106 |
| Jonathan Winters | I know you can be funny without being filthy. | 106 |
| Sophie Kinsella | I always thought 'chick lit' meant third-person contemporary funny novels, dealing with issues of the day. I mean, it's not the ideal term; when I'm asked to describe what I do, I say I write romantic comedies, cause that's what I feel they are. But I'm quite pragmatic. | 106 |
| Stephen Moyer | A film that I love is 'Raising Arizona' and that's funny but it's quite indie and weird and odd and quirky. I'd love to do something like that. Who knows? | 106 |
| James Belushi | I don't know if there is a gene for comedy, but my dad was a very funny man. He just didn't know it. He was a naturally funny character, and when my brother and I would laugh at things he said and did, he would say, 'What do you think is so funny?' | 106 |
| Rutger Hauer | The funny thing is most people don't approach me because they are scared, and that's fine, I want to keep it that way. But the thing is if you're not scared or get over it you learn that sometimes what you're scared of is really what you shouldn't be scared of. | 106 |
| Sam Raimi | I don't really approach stories to make them different from other stuff I've seen, I just try to get into the character, into his or her head. Try to make it as funny, as scary or as wild as I can so that I really like it. | 106 |
| Arnold Schwarzenegger | I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem? | 107 |
| Clint Eastwood | If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster. | 107 |
| Imelda Marcos | I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. | 107 |
| Dave Barry | The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. | 107 |
| Mae West | I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. | 107 |
| David Lee Roth | I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. | 107 |
| Dylan Moran | I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me. | 107 |
| Fred Hampton | Yes, we do defend our office as we do defend our homes. This is a constitutional right everybody has, and nothing's funny about that. The only reason they get mad at the Black Panther Party when you do it is for the simple reason that we're political. | 107 |
| Gracie Gold | It's kind of low brow, but the show 'Bob's Burgers' is hilarious, and being from the Midwest, I can kind of relate to a lot of the jokes. 'Orange is The New Black' is a Netflix Exclusive, I think - that's really funny. | 107 |
| Harold Wilson | I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat. | 107 |
| Josh Billings | There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together. | 107 |
| Laura Bush | They're great girls. They're very funny, they're very smart, they're fun to be with. They're very lively, as I think people can tell. And you know, they're very confident girls. | 107 |
| Logan Pearsall Smith | If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth. | 107 |
| Milton Berle | Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. | 107 |
| Monica Crowley | Working for President Nixon was the most extraordinary professional experience of my life. He was endlessly fascinating: brilliant, visionary, kind, generous, warm, funny - and yes, a good man. | 107 |
| Patricia Heaton | Frankly, most of my friends hold very different political beliefs. It's just a funny thing in this country that supposedly you can't sit down and have dinner and enjoy another person's company if you don't have the same beliefs. It's ridiculous. | 107 |
| Paul Lynde | I wish I had the nerve not to tip. | 107 |
| Rita Ora | Eyebrows are really important because they structure the face. In school it was funny because I was always the one walking around with tweezers plucking my girlfriends' eyebrows. I was really good; eyebrow tweezing runs in my family - my mother used to do mine, and I picked it up. | 107 |
| Ridley Scott | When you're in the editing room, the dangerous thing is that it becomes like telling a joke again and again and again. Eventually, the joke starts to not be funny. So you have to be careful that you're not throwing the baby out with the bath water. | 107 |
| Robert Benchley | Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini? | 107 |
| Robert Orben | Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. | 107 |
| Zsa Zsa Gabor | I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. | 107 |
| Andy Dick | In terms of being vulgar, I don't think you need to be violent unless it's slapstick, violence to yourself. That can be funny - we've all tripped and fallen on our faces. | 107 |
| Anthony Burgess | Every dogma has its day. | 107 |
| Daniel Barenboim | It's funny, because in 1970 I met the Beatles quite by a chance at a party. It was the Beethoven bicentenary, and I was then also playing the Beethoven Sonatas. And that's all they wanted to hear about - I wanted to talk about them, and all they wanted to talk about was Beethoven. | 107 |
| David Sedaris | What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny. | 107 |
| Garrett Hedlund | It's funny that I got to do 'On the Road' because the thing that had the biggest impact on me growing up was reading books. I was very inspired by the book and this spirit of Dean Moriarty and how envious we all are of somebody who can be that carefree. | 107 |
| Jane Birkin | Nothing has ever touched on what fun childhood was. Summer holidays were bliss. We made home movies, with real stories in them. My father had such charm and charisma, and made everything so funny. | 107 |
| Jay Leno | The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. | 107 |
| Jay London | I saw a stationery store move. | 107 |
| Jim Bishop | Nobody understands anyone 18, including those who are 18. | 107 |
| Joss Whedon | My dad would go to work every day and write in a room full of funny people. He enjoyed it. I know great writers who find the process agonising but to me, writing has always been sheer joy. | 107 |
| Michael Crichton | I am certain there is too much certainty in the world. | 107 |
| Michael Schumacher | You win a race, the next race it's a question mark. Are you still the best or not? That's what is funny. But that's what is interesting. And that's what is challenging. You have to prove yourself every time. | 107 |
| Sasha Grey | I'm not one to sit here and judge here. But I think it's funny that the people that condemn the adult industry the most are the ones consuming the product the most. | 107 |
| Tori Spelling | It would be pretty funny to see a Beverly Hills white girl with mad rap skills. | 107 |
| Carrie Preston | The heroines in 'That's What She Said' are flawed, messy, damaged, hilarious and culpable and not really concerned about being acceptable to the audience in any traditional sense, which for me is what makes them all the more gorgeous. And the fearless truth of that is what makes it funny. | 107 |
| Derek Hough | I think for me, the thing that gets me in the right mindset is just watching something funny, something light, something that makes me feel good. Regardless of what it is - when you feel good, when you feel upbeat, creativity flows! | 107 |
| Frank Sinatra | I'm for whatever gets you through the night. | 108 |
| George Bernard Shaw | A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. | 108 |
| Mitch Hedberg | I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. | 108 |
| James Joyce | Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America. | 108 |
| Orson Welles | I have an unfortunate personality. | 108 |
| P. J. O'Rourke | Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly. | 108 |
| Adlai E. Stevenson | It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse. | 108 |
| Alan King | Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom. | 108 |
| Bill Hicks | Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children. | 108 |
| Billy Connolly | My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. | 108 |
| Dennis Miller | There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. | 108 |
| Greg Boyle | I always have a funny story at communion time that underscores that no one is perfect, and that communion is not for perfect people but for hungry people. | 108 |
| Lily Tomlin | I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. | 108 |
| Paula Poundstone | I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. | 108 |
| Philip Seymour Hoffman | Life's pretty funny when you're objectively on the outside looking at it. | 108 |
| Samuel Butler | Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children. | 108 |
| Seth MacFarlane | If something is shocking without being funny it's hard to justify. | 108 |
| Spike Milligan | I can speak Esperanto like a native. | 108 |
| Tim Allen | Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. | 108 |
| David Mitchell | Sometimes, comics will make the observation that it's not jokes that are funny, it's characters that are funny. And isn't that true! That's why I always kill jokes. I'm terrible at them, because I get the joke right, but I can't get the character right, and it just goes down like a lead balloon. | 108 |
| Garrett Hedlund | It's funny - I read that women look to chiseled-faced guys for one-night stands, and to round-faced guys for marriage. When I'm rounder in the face, I like to say, 'This is my long-term look.' Or 'This is my wife-and-kids look right here.' | 108 |
| Jamie Dornan | It's funny when you know you're playing two characters and you're aware of how you have to play each one into your performance of the other. You're constantly at the back of your mind thinking and it all gets a bit confusing. | 108 |
| Kevin Nealon | A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers. | 108 |
| Laura Prepon | I am so like Donna it's funny. And most of my friends are guys too. | 108 |
| Maria Shriver | I like to make jokes; I consider myself a funny person. I just think making jokes about people who are in a situation beyond their control is not funny to them or their families. | 108 |
| Paul Krugman | But Wall Street people are in fact very smart; they're funny, they're not company men who work their way up the chain. | 108 |
| William Lyon Phelps | If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything. | 108 |
| Artie Lange | It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world. | 108 |
| Matt LeBlanc | You can't be funny if you don't have good material. | 108 |
| H. L. Mencken | Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. | 109 |
| Isaac Asimov | The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...' | 109 |
| Robin Williams | Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? | 109 |
| P. J. O'Rourke | Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. | 109 |
| Carol Burnett | Everybody I know who is funny, it's in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don't like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing. | 109 |
| Carrie Fisher | Instant gratification takes too long. | 109 |
| Chevy Chase | Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish. | 109 |
| Chris Pratt | It's interesting - I always thought when I was doing more melodramatic stuff like 'Everwood' that the directors were constantly reeling me in and stopping me from being funny. | 109 |
| Denis Leary | I write what I think is funny and I write from a sense of popping a balloon or a sense of injustice, whether it's about yourself, or whether it's about something else. It's my worldview; it doesn't mean that everybody has to agree with it. | 109 |
| Don Marquis | A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. | 109 |
| Don Rickles | You know what's funny to me? Attitude. | 109 |
| Edith Sitwell | I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent. | 109 |
| Flannery O'Connor | I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it. | 109 |
| Fred Allen | The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. | 109 |
| Garth Brooks | It's funny how a chubby kid can just be having fun, and people call it entertainment! | 109 |
| Hesiod | Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn. | 109 |
| Matt Groening | It's a funny show. The characters are surprisingly likable, given how ugly they are. We've got this huge cast of characters that we can move around. And over the last few seasons, we've explored some of the secondary characters' personal lives a bit more. | 109 |
| Mike Birbiglia | Someone said to me at a party once, 'Oh, yeah, you're a comedian? Then how come you're not funny now?' And I just wanted to say, 'Well, I'm just going to take this conversation we're having and then repeat that to strangers, and then that's the joke. You're the joke later.' | 109 |
| Nick Cannon | Mariah is a beautiful and talented person, and I've had a crush on her for as long as I can remember. Every day, my respect for Mariah continues to grow higher. She's a caring, warm and funny person. People have no idea how funny she is! I feel like I've always known she was my forever love. | 109 |
| O. Henry | Turn up the lights. I don't want to go home in the dark. | 109 |
| Reese Witherspoon | It's funny that it all becomes about clothes. It's bizarre. You work your butt off and then you win an award and it's all about your dress. You can't get away from it. | 109 |
| Rita Rudner | I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. | 109 |
| Sophia Bush | I was lucky. My family is wonderful. And it's funny, because most of my best friends come from very large families. So it always felt as if I had lots of siblings, though in the end I had to leave them and go home. I kind of got the best of both worlds as a kid. | 109 |
| Thomas Szasz | Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. | 109 |
| Tom Colicchio | It's funny how I use social media because I don't use it to promote my restaurants that much. I use it for social issues and I think that's what it's for. I do a few things - I mess around with music a lot because that's a passion of mine. If something strikes me and I want to share it, I do. | 109 |
| Tommy Cooper | I went window shopping today! I bought four windows. | 109 |
| Twiggy | Sometimes I can't believe I'm going to be 60. I always say there's no point moaning about getting older, when there's nothing you can do about it. But still, I do find it quite funny. I look at that number, 60, and I think, 'Really? Me?' | 109 |
| J. B. Priestley | She was a handsome woman of forty-five and would remain so for many years. | 109 |
| Marlon Wayans | I'm good at coming up with wacky characters and funny dialogue. | 109 |
| Mike Myers | My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. | 109 |
| Sebastian Stan | I specifically remember doing the musical 'Sweet Charity' at Stagedoor. I was playing Vittorio Vidal, which is a very funny part, and some other small roles. I couldn't really sing that well, but there were so many fun bits, and I just remember the tremendous adrenaline rush I felt from being onstage and hearing the audience enjoying it. | 109 |
| Todd Phillips | I think that 'Hangover II' is as funny as 'The Hangover I,' honest to God, but I think that it's a little bit darker, and the stakes are a little bit higher. | 109 |
| John Krasinski | You can't do anything to be funny. That's cringeworthy. If your humor comes out of a place of love every time, you don't make the joke bigger than you. The funniest comedians are in touch with their emotional level. | 109 |
| Josh Hutcherson | We've seen some insane signs: 'Is that a loaf of bread in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?' Funny stuff along those lines. Very original. One just said, 'I will do unspeakable things.' I thought that was very interesting - and mildly terrifying! | 109 |
| Clint Eastwood | They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. | 110 |
| Ellen DeGeneres | I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut. | 110 |
| Eminem | You know, fame is a funny thing, man, especially, you know, actors, musicians, rappers, rock singers, it's kind of a lifestyle and it's easy to get caught up in it - you go to bars, you go to clubs, everyone's doing a certain thing... It's tough. | 110 |
| W. C. Fields | I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. | 110 |
| Woody Allen | My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. | 110 |
| Dwayne Johnson | The men I idolized built their bodies and became somebody - like Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger - and I thought, 'That can be me.' So I started working out. The funny thing is I didn't realize back then that I was having a defining moment. | 110 |
| Billy Idol | When I started out, everyone seemed to be adopting these names... Johnny Rotten, Sid Vicious. I wasn't really Rotten or Vicious or Nasty, so I wanted something a bit more funny - yet something that seemed real rock 'n' roll... something that acknowledged my ambition. | 110 |
| Charles M. Schulz | I love mankind; it's people I can't stand. | 110 |
| Eddie Izzard | I mean, sometimes... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of acting is to be truthful, and they get that mixed up sometimes, or don't even notice that that's the thing. | 110 |
| Jennifer Aniston | Life can be dramatic and funny all in the same day. | 110 |
| Kesha | I could party in a cardboard box with people who are funny and don't care. For me, it's really about who I surround myself with, so I just try to always be with hilarious people. | 110 |
| Lee Trevino | Only bad golfers are lucky. They're the ones bouncing balls off trees, curbs, turtles and cars. Good golfers have bad luck. When you hit the ball straight, a funny bounce is bound to be unlucky. | 110 |
| Lena Dunham | It's funny, I never considered that people are going to see me on the show and maybe stop me on the subway. | 110 |
| Lily Tomlin | If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? | 110 |
| Mel Brooks | If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. | 110 |
| Molly Ivins | I've always found it easier to be funny than to be serious. | 110 |
| Paul Merton | When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them. | 110 |
| Rowan Atkinson | I think I have an inner confidence that my tastes are pretty simple, that what I find funny finds a wide audience. I'm not particularly intellectual or clever or minority-focused in my creative instincts. And I'm certainly not aware of suppressing more sophisticated ambitions. | 110 |
| Ryan Reynolds | It's funny, because there are so many stereotypes out there about actors and movie stars in general, but I've had a great opportunity to meet a lot of them, and maybe it's just because they don't behave that way around me, but I rarely see that kind of abuse of power. | 110 |
| Sam Levenson | Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it. | 110 |
| Sarah Silverman | If you are truly offended by an 80-year-old man saying you're not funny, then you're probably not funny. | 110 |
| Vir Das | Alien Chutney is just what the name suggests it is. Its music that is so funny and quirky and weird that it feels entirely alien to the listener; yet, the content and the subject matter is so Indian and relatable, it's still chutney. | 110 |
| Wes Anderson | I guess when I think about it, one of the things I like to dramatise, and what is sometimes funny, is someone coming unglued. I don't consider myself someone who is making the argument that I support these choices. I just think it can be funny. | 110 |
| Adam Carolla | The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.' | 110 |
| Dakota Fanning | In the happy scenes there were really fun times. Sean would say really funny stuff because he likes to improv. I would want to laugh, but you are not allowed to do that during the take. | 110 |
| James Brown | I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more. | 110 |
| Michael Morpurgo | Animals are sentient, intelligent, perceptive, funny and entertaining. We owe them a duty of care as we do to children. | 110 |
| Rob Manuel | The difference between you and the funny person on TV is that they acted on their ideas. | 110 |
| Rob Zombie | The funny thing is, I'm so used to not caring what anyone says, good or bad, that unfortunately even when people say good things... I wish it made me feel good, but it doesn't. | 110 |
| Tom Baker | It's funny, in literature no one ever goes to the lavatory. | 110 |
| Brendan Fraser | I always approach comedy roles pretending they aren't funny. | 110 |
| Dr. Seuss | From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere. | 111 |
| Winston Churchill | I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. | 111 |
| Charles Darwin | I love fools' experiments. I am always making them. | 111 |
| Richard Dawkins | By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. | 111 |
| Billy Connolly | I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far. | 111 |
| Chris Rock | There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. | 111 |
| Christopher Walken | There's something dangerous about what's funny. Jarring and disconcerting. There is a connection between funny and scary. | 111 |
| George Burns | I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. | 111 |
| George Jean Nathan | An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out. | 111 |
| Joe Rogan | That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard. | 111 |
| Larry David | I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny. | 111 |
| Laurence J. Peter | If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk? | 111 |
| Lewis Mumford | Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. | 111 |
| Logan Pearsall Smith | We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast. | 111 |
| Mindy Kaling | When I was a little kid, I wrote this play about all these characters living in a haunted house. There was a witch who lived there, and a mummy. When they were all hassling him, this guy who bought the house - I can't believe I remember this - he said to them, 'Who's paying the mortgage on this haunted house?' I thought that was really funny. | 111 |
| Quincy Jones | I didn't understand key signatures or anything, you know. I'd say silly things at the top of a trumpet part like, 'Note, when you play B naturals, make the B naturals a half step lower because they sound funny if they're B naturals.' And some guy said: 'Idiot, just put a flat on the third line and it's a key signature, you know?' | 111 |
| Rita Rudner | When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. | 111 |
| Rob Lowe | I've never met a funny person who wasn't smart. I've met a lot of dramatic people who were stupid. But I've never met a funny person who wasn't smart. | 111 |
| Robert Downey, Jr. | But I think Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang really got that thing where, if a movie reads really funny and then has some dramatic or violent or sinister stuff in it, you can't forget that primarily it has to be even funnier than you read it or that other stuff doesn't work. | 111 |
| Sparky Anderson | Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings. | 111 |
| J. B. Smoove | Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast. | 111 |
| Jimmy Kimmel | I don't really need to be dirty to be funny. | 111 |
| Ellen DeGeneres | People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. | 112 |
| Hillary Clinton | If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle. | 112 |
| Katharine Hepburn | Life is hard. After all, it kills you. | 112 |
| Mitch Hedberg | Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! | 112 |
| Rodney Dangerfield | I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. | 112 |
| Vladimir Nabokov | There is nothing in the world that I loathe more than group activity, that communal bath where the hairy and slippery mix in a multiplication of mediocrity. | 112 |
| Samuel Johnson | One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts. | 112 |
| Arthur Conan Doyle | I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. | 112 |
| Bill Murray | One of the things I like about acting is that, in a funny way, I come back to myself. | 112 |
| Hilary Swank | I took 'P.S. I Love You' thinking it was going to be a little funny, and I ended up crying every day on that film. | 112 |
| Howie Mandel | We sat down and told stories that happened to us in our childhood, to our children. They were all basically based on the truth. These stories were funny and poignant to us. They just took off. These are all stories from my life. | 112 |
| Joan Rivers | I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. | 112 |
| Joe Rogan | The audience changes every night. You're the same person. You have to speak your mind and do the stuff that you think is funny and makes you laugh. | 112 |
| Josh Billings | Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got. | 112 |
| Laurence J. Peter | If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. | 112 |
| Milton Berle | A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. | 112 |
| Patton Oswalt | Lot of ugly funny dudes end up with some pretty gorgeous women. Women are much deeper than us in choosing a mate - they see in the long term. | 112 |
| Robert Smith | People think it's funny that I enjoy dreaming so much. I just use it as a form of entertainment. It's very private. I don't see my dreams as separate. I mean, half the time I'm wandering around dreaming anyway. | 112 |
| Rose Kennedy | I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often - but I'm well preserved. | 112 |
| Shawn Mendes | I like funny girls. | 112 |
| Tom DeLonge | Humor has become so cliche and boring that nothing's funny anymore unless it involves something totally disgusting that offends somebody or makes them feel really uncomfortable. | 112 |
| Mike Myers | My father was always a straight-up funny guy. He was silly. He was my inspiration. | 112 |
| James Earl Jones | I think stutterers are funny. And I know it's rude and politically incorrect to laugh at stutterers. But I think it is okay because I know why they're funny. They make people nervous. People think, when on earth are they going to get the word out, so they start laughing out of their own nervousness. | 112 |
| Ellen DeGeneres | My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. | 113 |
| W. C. Fields | I like children - fried. | 113 |
| Will Rogers | Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. | 113 |
| Phyllis Diller | The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. | 113 |
| Demetri Martin | I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' | 113 |
| Jerry Seinfeld | The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! | 113 |
| Bill Burr | You know, it wasn't even that I'm a funny guy, I just loved stand-up comedy and I wanted to do it. It was one of the few things in my life that I knew I was going to be able to do, and I also felt as though I'd be able to do it the way I wanted to do it. | 113 |
| Billy Crystal | I can't be funny if my feet don't feel right. | 113 |
| Bob Hope | A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. | 113 |
| Caroline Kennedy | In a funny way, poems are suited to modern life. They're short, they're intense. Nobody has time to read a 700-page book. People read magazines, and a poem takes less time than an article. | 113 |
| Christian Bale | I find what I do for a living really funny. I mean, acting is kind of a hilarious thing for a grown man to call a job. | 113 |
| Drew Carey | TV is easier: it's all planned out for you, and the audience is there to see a show and they are all pumped up, but when you are in a comedy club, you have to be really funny to win them over. To me, that's more pure. | 113 |
| Eddie Van Halen | It's funny, when bands or younger musicians ask me: 'So, what does it take to make it?' Well, first explain to me what you mean by 'making it': Do you want to be a rock star or do you want music to be your livelihood? | 113 |
| Emma Stone | The only movie I can watch on a loop, over and over, is 'Help', the Beatles movie. It's so funny and irreverent and great. | 113 |
| Emo Philips | How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. | 113 |
| Fred Allen | California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. | 113 |
| Garrison Keillor | God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny. | 113 |
| Henny Youngman | If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. | 113 |
| Lenny Bruce | Miami Beach is where neon goes to die. | 113 |
| Lucille Ball | You see much more of your children once they leave home. | 113 |
| Ogden Nash | Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long. | 113 |
| Stephen Leacock | It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish. | 113 |
| Terry Bradshaw | You find out in life that people really like you funny. So what do you give 'em? Humor. And then if you show them the other side, they don't like you as much. I find, too, that I can hide behind the idiot's mask being funny, and you never see the sorrow or the pain. | 113 |
| Eva Longoria | I would say 80% of the scripts I get are dramas and not comedies or romantic comedies, which is funny because that's what I do every week. | 113 |
| Julian Casablancas | It find it funny how people from Boston and New York hate each other because of pro teams. | 113 |
| Larry Hagman | Comedy is not funny. Comedy is hard work and timing and lots and lots of rehearsals. | 113 |
| Marlon Wayans | Gotta stay in the gym, stay funny, stay sharp. I just love working. | 113 |
| George Carlin | May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. | 114 |
| Richard Branson | The funny thing is people won't let me pay for things. I'll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, 'Oh no, it's on the house.' | 114 |
| Woody Allen | I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. | 114 |
| Kid Cudi | The tour bus is always fun, and there's plenty of time to watch movies. Actually, Kanye introduced me to the movie 'Step Brothers.' We were sitting there, watching it and clowning around - it was so funny, man. | 114 |
| Arthur C. Clarke | The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. | 114 |
| Danny DeVito | What you do with it and things like that, but I basically chose this after I read it because I thought it was different and funny and unique and dark - things that I like to do. | 114 |
| Douglas Coupland | There's nothing cure or funny or lovable about being cheap. It's a total turn-off. | 114 |
| Elton John | I love every minute of fatherhood, staying up all night, changing nappies, kids crying, I find it really funny and inspiring. It connects you to the world in a new way. | 114 |
| George Burns | When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. | 114 |
| Kendall Jenner | My ideal prom date would have to be cute, funny, sweet, nice. | 114 |
| Laurence J. Peter | Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively. | 114 |
| Pink | I know my strong points: I work hard, I have talent, I'm funny, and I'm a good person. | 114 |
| Samuel Goldwyn | I never liked you, and I always will. | 114 |
| Samuel L. Jackson | I tend to play characters that I can infuse with certain kinds of humour. Even the baddest guy can be funny in his own particular way. I want the audience to engage with the character on some deeper level so that they leave the cinema still thinking about him. | 114 |
| Unknown | I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. | 114 |
| H. L. Mencken | It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. | 115 |
| Steve Jobs | Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works. | 115 |
| Conor McGregor | I see fighters make funny videos about me and stick them on Facebook and get 20 likes. When I make a video, I sell it to Fox and make seven figures. That's the difference. | 115 |
| Woody Allen | I failed to make the chess team because of my height. | 115 |
| Alanis Morissette | We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect. | 115 |
| Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu | When you see things upside down, the ego can be extraordinarily funny; it's absurd. But it's tragic at the same time. | 115 |
| Amy Poehler | Always remember your kid's name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don't let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers... for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces. | 115 |
| Chris Rock | Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy. | 115 |
| Ed Sheeran | Try to find someone with a sense of humor. That's an important thing to have because when you get into an argument, one of the best ways to diffuse it is to be funny. You don't want to hide away from a point, because some points are serious, but you'd rather have a discussion that was a discussion, rather than an argument. | 115 |
| Fiona Apple | You know, I've always thought that it would be really funny if somebody made a romantic comedy where absolutely everything went well from beginning to end. | 115 |
| Howard Stern | Yes, I believe blue material is funny, but if that's all you've got, you're dead in the water. It's not good. | 115 |
| Karl Lagerfeld | I never smoked. I never drank and I never took drugs. The funny thing is, nothing is more boring, people like this. For me, it's OK. But most of my friends, at least they smoke and drink. | 115 |
| Kathleen Hanna | It's really funny - when I'm depressed or I'm having a hard time, I'll write really fun stuff. And then when I'm really happy, I write really depressing stuff. | 115 |
| Kristen Wiig | There are so many funny women in the world, and there has been for so many years, so I'll be happy when people can just move on from that, and things can just be 'comedies' and not 'female' or 'male,' and everyone gets an equal opportunity. | 115 |
| Lana Del Rey | I have kind of a funny relationship with movies. I don't have to see the whole movie to get an impression of it or to let it have an influence on me. | 115 |
| Robert M. Pirsig | The funny thing about insane people is that it is kind of the opposite of being a celebrity. Nobody envies you. | 115 |
| Rowan Atkinson | No, no, I was only funny on stage, really. I, I, think I was funny as a person toward my classmates when I was very young. You know, when I was a child, up to about the age of 12. | 115 |
| Samuel Goldwyn | I read part of it all the way through. | 115 |
| Sarah Silverman | I think maybe I became funny because as a kid, I was a Jew in a town of no Jews, and being funny just instinctively came about as a way to put people at ease around me. | 115 |
| Steve Carell | My wife is way funnier than I am. As much as I don't really feel I share a sense of humour with my family, I definitely share one with her - we find the same things funny. | 115 |
| Alan Moore | I like Jacques Derrida; I think he's funny. I like my philosophy with a few jokes and puns. I know that that offends other philosophers; they think he's not taking things seriously, but he comes up with some marvellous puns. Why shouldn't you have a bit of fun while dealing with the deepest issues of the mind? | 115 |
| Ann Romney | That's why I like to get out there, and get people to see the other side of Mitt, and know us in a different reflection when you see the family and how funny he is with the boys and with the grandkids. And you know, just what a super guy he is. That's part of what I am doing, is letting people see the other side of Mitt. | 115 |
| Emmitt Smith | I was going through a little bit of turbulence in my career. And so, it's funny how turbulence itself will make you hold onto something for security. And so the only thing I knew is trust in the Lord and lean not unto your own heart, in all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy path. | 115 |
| Mary Roach | Follow your instincts. Do the kind of writing you love to do and do best. 'Stiff' was an oddball book - I mean, a funny book about cadavers? - and I worried that it would be too unconventional. In the end, that's what has made it a success, I think. | 115 |
| Maya Lin | It's funny, as you live through something you're not aware of it. | 115 |
| Erma Bombeck | Never have more children than you have car windows. | 116 |
| George Carlin | Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. | 116 |
| George Eliot | He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow. | 116 |
| Hillary Clinton | I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair. | 116 |
| William Arthur Ward | Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting. | 116 |
| John Lydon | I showed what I can do with butter, right? Eighty-five percent increase in sales. I'm very proud of them Country Life ads. They were funny and clever and classy like the Toblerone ads I grew up with. | 116 |
| P. J. O'Rourke | Being a humorist is not a voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will cause a lot of trouble, a humorist will still say the funny thing. No matter how inappropriate. | 116 |
| Bette Davis | Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did. | 116 |
| Fran Lebowitz | You're only as good as your last haircut. | 116 |
| Henny Youngman | When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. | 116 |
| Mindy Kaling | The funniest racism is the racism between minorities. It's something you don't see dramatized, but almost every minority I know who's my age, they have these funny stories about their parents stereotyping other minorities. | 116 |
| Olivia Wilde | I'm opening up my heart to the idea of dating. It's funny - my friends would always come to me for romantic advice. I know nothing, and things have changed since I was dating in high school! I'm really trying hard to spend this time working on myself. | 116 |
| Ryan Lochte | There's people out there that are like, 'Oh my God, I want to have your kid. I want to marry you.' People that I've never even met. That's sweet. It's funny. | 116 |
| Seth MacFarlane | I always thought it would be funny to have the Parents Television Council write an episode of 'Family Guy' and give them full creative control. Then see how good the episode is. That's something we've actually discussed in the writers' room. We haven't proposed it yet, but if somebody from the PTC reads this, it might be worth discussing. | 116 |
| Stephen Colbert | I liked comedy as a kid. When I was a kid, I'd go to sleep to, like, Bill Cosby albums every night. I'd listen to 'Bill Cosby Is A Very Funny Fellow... Right!' and 'Wonderfulness,' which are two of his most famous albums. Then the next night, I'd flip them over, 'cause it was the old stackable turntable. | 116 |
| Tom Robbins | What bothers most critics of my work is the goofiness. One reviewer said I need to make up my mind if want to be funny or serious. My response is that I will make up my mind when God does, because life is a commingling of the sacred and the profane, good and evil. To try and separate them is fallacy. | 116 |
| Zsa Zsa Gabor | Macho does not prove mucho. | 116 |
| Andre Maurois | We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity - romantic love and gunpowder. | 116 |
| Julianne Moore | Comedy is ridiculously hard. And if the rhythm is not right, if the music or the line is not right, it's not funny. | 116 |
| Albert Einstein | When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. | 117 |
| Douglas Adams | I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons. | 117 |
| Mitch Hedberg | I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. | 117 |
| Jerry Seinfeld | A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. | 117 |
| Arthur C. Clarke | It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value. | 117 |
| Bill Maher | Men are only as loyal as their options. | 117 |
| Derek Jeter | I try to sign for as many kids as possible. Kids come first, and I'll always sign for a kid before an adult. It's funny, because I was never big into autographs as a kid. The only player who I ever wanted an autograph from was Dave Winfield. | 117 |
| Don Rickles | Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder? | 117 |
| Fred Allen | The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. | 117 |
| Lena Dunham | I mean, I - it's so funny, I am, you know, I am, you know, a working woman out in the world, but I still live with my parents half the time. I've been sort of taking this very long, stuttering period of moving out. | 117 |
| Lenny Bruce | When you're eight years old nothing is your business. | 117 |
| Les Dawson | How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing. | 117 |
| Lily Tomlin | I grew up in a time when women didn't really do comedy. You had to be homely, overweight, an old maid, all that. You had to play a stereotype, because very attractive women were not supposed to be funny - because it's powerful; it's a threat. | 117 |
| Paris Hilton | I'm blonde and tanned and normal-sized! I'm sweet, shy, funny, have a big heart and I'm nice - and I like to eat. | 117 |
| Roger Federer | Before, I guess, mum and dad were everything, but now, in my case, I had two new girls and all of a sudden they're completely dependent on you and there's a third generation. It's a funny shift all of a sudden. You have the babies, you have yourself and then you have your parents. | 117 |
| Ron White | I'm definitely guilty of thinking something is funny but thinking the audience won't. Then three years later I will finally try it and it'll kill them. I got to give them more credit. | 117 |
| Steve Carell | I've always enjoyed watching characters that aren't aware that they're doing anything funny. And I think that inherently makes them funnier. | 117 |
| William Feather | If you're naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don't like. | 117 |
| William Shatner | You need to be silly to be funny. | 117 |
| Julian Casablancas | I find it funny how people from Boston and New York hate each other because of pro teams. But, like, everyone on the Red Sox is a random millionaire athlete from somewhere else. | 117 |
| Steve Martin | I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. | 118 |
| Ben Horowitz | I had a terrible time hiring rich people. It sounds funny, but the problem is when things go wrong they can ask, 'Why am I doing this?' You don't ever want anybody asking that question. You want them to say, 'I know why I'm doing it, I need the money, let's go' or whatever it is that draws them. | 118 |
| Beth Ditto | Here is my prescription to heal all wounds. Watch the film 'Funny Girl' at least five times, eat at least 45 chocolate bars, and hang out with all those friends you blew off to hang out with your ex. I truly believe that, through a combination of Nutella, old pals and Barbra Streisand, we can achieve happiness and, very probably, world peace. | 118 |
| Bill Maher | Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. | 118 |
| Charlie Sheen | I saw 28 Days. I don't remember rehab being like a day camp or being that funny. Rehab is a dumping ground. It's a big landfill. | 118 |
| Dave Chappelle | Something about New York, man: You can do more comedy there probably than you can anywhere in the world. If you're interested in being funny, New York is the place to go. | 118 |
| Garrison Keillor | Humor has to surprise us; otherwise, it isn't funny. It's a death knell for a writer to be labeled a humorist because then it's not a surprise anymore. | 118 |
| James Thurber | Progress was all right. Only it went on too long. | 118 |
| Joan Rivers | I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. | 118 |
| Matt Groening | The conundrum that I face on a daily basis is that I have two sons who have grown up watching 'The Simpsons,' so they know exactly what buttons to push. They know how Bart irritates Homer, and they use these lines against me to tell me that I'm not funny anymore. | 118 |
| Stevie Wonder | Do you know, it's funny, but I never thought of being blind as a disadvantage, and I never thought of being black as a disadvantage. | 118 |
| Ashley Tisdale | I just love carbs. And when I'm on vacation I definitely allow myself carbs, so it's always funny when people are like, 'Oh my gosh, you look great in your bikini.' I'm like, 'If you only knew what I had for breakfast!' | 118 |
| Craig Charles | The inventory process and stepping back in your life can sometimes be a very dark process. But it also can be extremely funny and surprising. | 118 |
| Mark Twain | All generalizations are false, including this one. | 119 |
| P. J. O'Rourke | A lot of newspaper columns used to be written in a rat-a-tat-tat, fast-paced style - and they tended to be funny. They were a little relief from the grimmer, grayer parts of the newspaper, and one of the best people at doing this was Will Rogers. | 119 |
| W. Clement Stone | What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? | 119 |
| Gilbert Gottfried | The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever. | 119 |
| Heath Ledger | I'm just not one of those naturally funny, relaxed actors who enjoy the spotlight and are so good at it. | 119 |
| Hedy Lamarr | It's funny about men and women. Men pay in cash to get them and pay in cash to get rid of them. Women pay emotionally coming and going. Neither has it easy. | 119 |
| Helen Rowland | One man's folly is another man's wife. | 119 |
| Paul Lynde | I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church. | 119 |
| R. L. Stine | I started writing when I was 9 years old. I was like this weird kid who would just stay in my room, typing little funny magazines and drawing comic strips. | 119 |
| Samuel Goldwyn | Include me out. | 119 |
| Jeremy Lin | It seems like everybody's perception of me is very bipolar. To one group, it's overpaid, overrated; to another group, it's underpaid, underrated, underdog. It's funny to me because there's no real balance. | 119 |
| George Carlin | Electricity is really just organized lightning. | 120 |
| Rodney Dangerfield | I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. | 120 |
| Toni Morrison | I like marriage. The idea. | 120 |
| Alfred Hitchcock | Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs. | 120 |
| Samuel Beckett | What do I know of man's destiny? I could tell you more about radishes. | 120 |
| Steve Martin | Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything! | 120 |
| Donald Glover | I think it's a comedian's job to make everything funny. Nothing is off-limits. | 120 |
| Eddie Izzard | I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. | 120 |
| Emma Stone | Often, joking for me is a way of diffusing the awkwardness of a situation, so it's kind of exhilarating to be a part of projects where there's nothing funny or lighthearted. | 120 |
| Emo Philips | I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. | 120 |
| Gertrude Stein | It is funny the two things most men are proudest of is the thing that any man can do and doing does in the same way, that is being drunk and being the father of their son. | 120 |
| Niall Horan | Katy Perry still gets me every time. She's very funny in person! We met at the Teen Choice Awards and she pulled my cheeks apart and told me how cute I was. My life was literally flashing before my eyes! | 120 |
| William Feather | The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift is taxes. | 120 |
| Zach Galifianakis | We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the 'Girlfriend in a Coma' is, like, really funny. | 120 |
| Charlie Kaufman | As a writer, or as a filmmaker, you have to present yourself, and part of what yourself is is what you're interested in, or what you think is funny, or what you think is sad, or what you think is horrible. | 120 |
| Kristen Bell | I love nerds. Comic-Con junkies are the tastemakers of tomorrow. Isn't that funny? The tables have turned. | 120 |
| Jennifer Love Hewitt | I would really like to do a really cool one-hour show, maybe on, like, HBO or something like that; or something that I've spent a couple of years developing so it would be exactly the character and exactly in with a huge push behind it; or I would maybe want to do a sitcom; something light and funny. | 120 |
| Andy Warhol | I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell? | 121 |
| Benjamin Disraeli | As for our majority... one is enough. | 121 |
| Jimi Hendrix | It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead, you're made for life. | 121 |
| Chris Pratt | The American audience has really opened up to women being A.) funny and B.) kinda crude. 'Bridesmaids' is R-rated, and I think it was a major coup for women to have an R-rated comedy that did really well. Same as 'Bad Teacher.' | 121 |
| Joan Rivers | Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. | 121 |
| Josh Billings | Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed. | 121 |
| Lucille Ball | I'm not funny. What I am is brave. | 121 |
| Roger Federer | To handle that stardom, the red carpets, the photo shoots, people all of a sudden recognizing you and following you in everyday life, it's a bit weird. It's strange, and it can have funny effects on you in terms of do you like it or don't you like it. Some people run away from it, some people embrace it; I found a good middle ground. | 121 |
| Samuel Goldwyn | Let's have some new cliches. | 121 |
| Barbara Corcoran | A funny thing happens in real estate. When it comes back, it comes back up like gangbusters. | 121 |
| Dave Barry | It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. | 122 |
| Zora Neale Hurston | It's a funny thing, the less people have to live for, the less nerve they have to risk losing nothing. | 122 |
| Chris Rock | Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or Joan Rivers. There are a lot of good comics out there, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics. | 122 |
| Marilyn vos Savant | Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering. | 122 |
| Demetri Martin | If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat! | 123 |
| Ariana Grande | I can't stress to you enough how much I can relate to teens being cyberbullied. Something that helps me is looking at old videos of me and my friends from middle school, or videos of my family. I love watching funny videos of my favorite people - it really cheers me up. | 123 |
| Joe Rogan | Phil Hartman was brilliant, and Dave Foley is a really funny guy. Phil Hartman was actually even funnier offstage than he was onstage because he would say nasty things. Dave Foley's very funny, very witty guy, very quick. | 123 |
| Nate Silver | When human judgment and big data intersect there are some funny things that happen. | 123 |
| Shah Rukh Khan | Without hurting anybody, we all tend to laugh at others' discomfort. When someone slips on a banana skin and falls it's funny. | 123 |
| Robin Williams | I basically started performing for my mother, going, 'Love me!' What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person. | 124 |
| Thomas A. Edison | The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around. | 124 |
| Phyllis Diller | Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. | 124 |
| Dylan Moran | Children are the most honest critics. They will say 'You're funny', but also 'You're pathetic - go away.' | 124 |
| Leonardo DiCaprio | I got attention by being funny at school, pretending to be retarded, and jumping around with a deformed hand. | 124 |
| Robert Downey, Jr. | I read the script for Wonder Boys, and I said that was almost perfect, it was so classy, cool and funny. It's a really specific thing. We stuck to it, it turned out good and a lot of people liked it. | 124 |
| Roseanne Barr | I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny. And I discovered a lot of great writers that went on to do a lot of great shows like 'Seinfeld,' 'Friends,' you know, 'Three and a Half Men.' | 124 |
| Will Ferrell | I'd love to become like Bill Murray, who was so funny on 'Saturday Night Live' and has gone on to do some of the landmark comedies people like. And then to add this whole other phase to his career with 'Lost in Translation' and 'Rushmore.' I always felt to be able to have something similar to that would be great. | 125 |
| Walt Whitman | I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends. | 126 |
| Don Rickles | Funny is funny. | 126 |
| Michael J. Fox | If you have doubts about someone, lay on a couple of jokes. If he doesn't find anything funny, your radar should be screaming. Then I would say be patient with people who are negative, because they're really having a hard time. | 126 |
| Paloma Faith | I'm surrounded by friends and family who are not that impressed by celebrity. They don't have any problem telling me I'm acting like an idiot or I'm not that funny. | 126 |
| Will Ferrell | There's always going to be someone as funny as you or funnier. | 126 |
| J. Cole | I was just a goofy little funny kid, who was always getting sent to the principal. It wasn't serious because I was smart. I wasn't like a true troublemaker, just rambunctious - like, talkative and trying to be funny. That was me in middle-school. | 201 |
| Jerry Seinfeld | Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. | 201 |
| Bernie Mac | I'm funny. I'm a comedian. I'm not a clown. | 201 |
| Gertrude Stein | I know what Germans are. They are a funny people. They are always choosing someone to lead them in a direction which they do not want to go. | 201 |
| James Thurber | Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else? | 201 |
| Michael J. Fox | I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli. | 201 |
| Nick Cave | I don't know, maybe Australian humour isn't supposed to be funny. It's as dry as the Sahara, and I think people miss that. | 201 |
| Rihanna | I'd love to date somebody cool, fun, funny. | 201 |
| Shaquille O'Neal | I'm an unorthodox type of guy, a funny guy - at least I think I'm funny. And one of the things I like to do is come up with nicknames for myself. | 201 |
| Tracy Morgan | I've been funny my whole life. This is a gift God gave me. | 201 |
| Bill Gates | The 'Billionaire' song is what my kids tease me with. They sing it to me. It's funny. | 202 |
| George Bernard Shaw | If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. | 202 |
| Kurt Vonnegut | I'm screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I'm funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that's appreciated by young people. | 202 |
| Thomas Sowell | It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. | 202 |
| Virat Kohli | Unless someone wants to look funny, I'll not recommend anyone to copy my bowling action. But on a serious note, with the confidence that I have got from the amount of runs I have been scoring, when I'm thrown the ball to bowl, I am pretty sure of what I have to do. I may not be the most attractive to watch while bowling, but I can be effective. | 202 |
| Stephen King | I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses. | 202 |
| Bill Cosby | I don't see much comedy in the Bible, where people are writing about funny people. It's not there. | 202 |
| Bill Dedman | Relaxing at home in his 55th-floor condominium before a game, Sammy Sosa is the same as at the ball park: focused but funny, exuberant but reserved. He is in a strange country, conversing in two languages, but his every movement displays a combination of confidence and humility. | 202 |
| Fran Lebowitz | Food is an important part of a balanced diet. | 202 |
| Joan Rivers | Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube. | 202 |
| Robin Williams | When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, 'Oh, man!' I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side. | 203 |
| Kevin Hart | The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We've all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we've all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that's a gift - to you and your audience. | 203 |
| Tom Stoppard | There are certain sorts of jokes which have only to do with the substitution of the unexpected word in a familiar context. If you translated something into French and then had it translated back into English by somebody who didn't know the original, you'd lose what was funny. | 203 |
| Larry David | I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.' | 203 |
| Will Ferrell | For people who have done comedy after a certain point in time, I think there's a base level of, 'O.K., I think I'm decently funny.' But unless you just have some massive ego, I really think you're still fighting against that. | 203 |
| Donald Trump | You know the funny thing, I don't get along with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than I get along with the rich people. | 204 |
| Ronald Reagan | Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement. | 204 |
| Kevin Hart | Is everything funny? For me, yes. There's a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there's something in there that'll make you laugh. | 204 |
| Britney Spears | Justin Timberlake is everything, and what more could you want in a person? He's funny. He's cute. He's great. He just understands. I get him and he gets me, and that's cool. | 204 |
| Chris Evans | Fame is a funny thing. I like doing normal things. I like going to fairs. I like going to ball games. I like going to Disney World or a big field on the Fourth of July and having picnics with friends. The problem is you're either worried you're going to be recognized, or you're thankful you're not. It's always there. | 204 |
| Emma Watson | Ignoring fame was my rebellion, in a funny way. I was insistent on being normal and doing normal things. It probably wasn't advisable to go to college in America and room with a complete stranger. And it probably wasn't wise to share a bathroom with eight other people in a coed dorm. Looking back, that was crazy. | 204 |
| Gertrude Stein | It is funny that men who are supposed to be scientific cannot get themselves to realise the basic principle of physics, that action and reaction are equal and opposite, that when you persecute people you always rouse them to be strong and stronger. | 204 |
| Will Ferrell | James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was. | 204 |
| Groucho Marx | Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. | 205 |
| Robert A. Heinlein | Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again. | 205 |
| Jean de la Bruyere | The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest. | 205 |
| Jim Carrey | I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny. | 205 |
| Joan Rivers | Never floss with a stranger. | 205 |
| Khloe Kardashian | I never looked at myself as the fat sister. Sometimes I would beat people to the punch and say, 'Oh I'm the fat, funny one,' because that's what people would say about me. But I never really thought that. | 205 |
| Larry David | If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny. | 205 |
| Steve Carell | I don't think of myself as funny - I don't fill up a room with my humor... I would fail miserably as a stand-up comedian. | 205 |
| Britney Spears | I find it so funny that people find me so interesting. | 206 |
| Robin Williams | If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number? | 207 |
| Robert Louis Stevenson | Every man has a sane spot somewhere. | 207 |
| Al Gore | The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder. | 207 |
| Emo Philips | I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. | 207 |
| Bertrand Russell | I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. | 208 |
| Erma Bombeck | Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. | 208 |
| Frank Lloyd Wright | TV is chewing gum for the eyes. | 208 |
| Joan Rivers | Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. | 208 |
| Nina Dobrev | Comedy is probably a lot harder for me. Maybe it's because I've been doing drama for so long or maybe it's because... you don't want to search for a laugh; you can't try to be funny, you just have to naturally be funny or be in a situation that's funny. | 208 |
| Will Ferrell | There are a lot of really funny guys who are very natural in what they do: Jonah Hill, Michael Cera, Seth Rogen. | 208 |
| Oscar Wilde | This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. | 209 |
| Walt Disney | I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. | 209 |
| Audrey Hepburn | I was asked to act when I couldn't act. I was asked to sing 'Funny Face' when I couldn't sing, and dance with Fred Astaire when I couldn't dance - and do all kinds of things I wasn't prepared for. Then I tried like mad to cope with it. | 209 |
| Kevin Hart | Almost anything can be funny if said the right way - but it has to be said the right way. | 209 |
| H. Jackson Brown, Jr. | You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own. | 210 |
| Joe Biden | I used to stutter really badly. Everybody thinks it's funny. And it's not funny. It's not. | 210 |
| Christian Louboutin | I was born in Paris in the mid-1960s, and by the time I was 12 I had started going to the movies by myself. Most of the movies of that period never appealed to me. I didn't like the 'naturalism,' the sad or the 'down-to-earth' characters. What I wanted from film was fantasy, dreams, funny situations, extravagant decor - and beautiful women. | 210 |
| Magic Johnson | I tell you, it's funny because the only time I think about HIV is when I have to take my medicine twice a day. | 210 |
| Julia Roberts | Light and funny has a more compelling quality when you're younger. But I haven't abandoned the genre: I love falling down; I love Lucille Ball. It's just that a lot of those stories revolve around problems that I can't convincingly portray at this age. | 211 |
| Abraham Lincoln | If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. | 212 |
| Lewis Black | All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. | 212 |
| Warren Buffett | I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. | 213 |
| Will Rogers | I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. | 213 |
| Bono | With all singers, insecurity is your best security. That's why we're such loud people and why we walk all funny. You think, 'Are people interested?' But I think our band has something and they know we don't just put albums out. We do think about it. | 214 |
| Tom Brady | I'm attracted to women who are smart and funny and ambitious and have lives of their own and great families. Isn't that what attracts anyone? | 214 |
| Saint Augustine | O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. | 215 |
| Steven Wright | When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel. | 215 |
| Salman Rushdie | Stories in families are colossally important. Every family has stories: some funny, some proud, some embarrassing, some shameful. Knowing them is proof of belonging to the family. | 215 |
| Sandra Bullock | Latinos, Asians, African-Americans, women - we're all trying to find our place in this world of cinema and television and theater. And the great thing with comedy is that most of the time, you could be orange. It doesn't matter, as long you're funny. | 215 |
| Kurt Vonnegut | When I'm being funny, I try not to offend. I don't think much of what I've done has been in really ghastly taste. I don't think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them. | 216 |
| Katy Perry | I wanted to be that quirky girl who writes funny songs that still have meaning. | 216 |
| Moby | That is not all I need. I need dogs. A house filled with dogs and a smart, funny, kind, loving girlfriend or wife. | 216 |
| P. J. O'Rourke | As I get older, all sorts of things become less funny. Once one has children, any cruelty involving children becomes far less amusing than when one was at the mercy of one's friends' and relatives' children. | 217 |
| Anne Lamott | I love readings and my readers, but the din of voices of the audience gives me stage fright, and the din of voices inside whisper that I am a fraud, and that the jig is up. Surely someone will rise up from the audience and say out loud that not only am I not funny and helpful, but I'm annoying, and a phony. | 217 |
| Lewis Black | Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?' | 217 |
| Henry A. Kissinger | Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative. | 218 |
| Demetri Martin | Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away. | 218 |
| Drew Barrymore | The people I grew up around who I really liked were quick on the draw. It always just wowed me. And my mum would make weird funny comments. I can see in myself her self-deprecating, hippie humour. I can't take myself too seriously. | 218 |
| Albert Einstein | Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. | 220 |
| Voltaire | The superfluous, a very necessary thing. | 220 |
| Groucho Marx | I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. | 221 |
| Mitch Hedberg | All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. | 222 |
| Robert Frost | It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married. | 222 |
| Woody Allen | I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. | 222 |
| Ice Cube | It's funny how people who ain't never been down there can think that America is so fair and that we should be alright. It's funny that the people who have their foot on our neck are telling us, 'Get up. What's wrong with you?' | 222 |
| P. J. O'Rourke | Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed. | 222 |
| Steve Martin | 'Dirty Rotten Scoundrels' is a good one because it not only turned out, I think, to be a really funny movie but it was also a delight to shoot. We were in the South of France, working with Glenne Headly and Michael Caine and Frank Oz the director - who were just fun. | 222 |
| Abraham Lincoln | Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. | 223 |
| George Carlin | In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. | 225 |
| Hunter S. Thompson | A word to the wise is infuriating. | 301 |
| Abraham Lincoln | If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? | 302 |
| Megan Fox | I like funny guys and those, for some reason, tend to be nerdy guys. | 303 |
| Kevin Hart | The funny thing is, all my friends are short. I wasn't aware of tall people till I got to high school. I didn't know they existed. I was sheltered. | 304 |
| George Orwell | Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion. | 308 |
| Will Rogers | I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. | 308 |
| Simon Sinek | I find, when you're an optimist, life has a funny way of looking after you. | 309 |
| Victor Hugo | Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. | 311 |
| W. C. Fields | If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. | 311 |
| Yogi Berra | Even Napoleon had his Watergate. | 312 |
| Marilyn Manson | I don't say things to be offensive; I say things because they're funny to me. It amuses me. | 315 |
| P. J. O'Rourke | Never fight an inanimate object. | 315 |
| Maya Angelou | Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you're the funniest person you've ever heard of. | 317 |
| Dolly Parton | My mama never wore a pair of pants when I was growing up, and now that's all she wears. It was so funny for me when I first started seeing Mama wear pants. It was like it wasn't Mama. Now I've bought her many a pantsuit because she just lives in them. | 321 |
| Steven Wright | I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. | 323 |
| Henry David Thoreau | If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life. | 401 |
| Joel Osteen | Isn't it funny how babies laugh a lot? I read a toddler, a young child laughs 300 times a day. The average adult laughs, like, four times a day. God put it in them. He put the laugh in us, but I think sometimes we let life get us down, you know, have bad breaks, and we lose our breaks. | 404 |
| H. L. Mencken | Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? | 407 |
| Steven Wright | What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny. | 409 |
| Will Rogers | If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress. | 414 |
| Ernest Hemingway | A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book. | 418 |
| Mark Twain | The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. | 425 |
| Ronald Reagan | One picture is worth 1,000 denials. | 504 |
| Steven Wright | I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. | 507 |
| Steven Wright | I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. | 515 |
| Bill Gates | Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so exciting. | 516 |
| Steven Wright | When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.' | 516 |
| Maya Angelou | If you're serious, you really understand that it's important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you're the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you're funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity. | 623 |
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