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Emo Philips [1956-0] American

Rank: 101
Comedian

Emo Philips is an American comedian. Much of his stand-up comedy makes the use of paraprosdokians spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice.

Funny, Morning, Computers, Family, Forgiveness, Good, Men, Money, Smile, Work

Quote	Tags	Rank
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.		101
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.	Men	102
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.	Forgiveness, Work	103
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.	Good, Money	104
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.	Computers	105
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.		106
People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.		107
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.		108
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.		109
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.		110
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.		111
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.	Morning	112
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.	Funny	113
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.		114
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.		115
I'm a great lover, I'll bet.		116
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.	Morning	117
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.	Family	118
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.		119
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.	Funny	120
Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.		121
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'		122
Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.		123
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.		124
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.		125
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.		126
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.		201
England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.		202
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.		203
I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'		204
You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!		205
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.		206
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.	Funny	207
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.		208
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.		209
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.		210
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.		211
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'		212
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?		213
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'		214
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'		215
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.	Smile	216

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