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Milton Berle [1908-2002] American

Rank: 101
Comedian

Milton Berle was an American comedian and actor. As the host of NBC's Texaco Star Theater, he was the first major American television star and was known to millions of viewers as "Uncle Miltie" and "Mr. Television" during TV's golden age.

Funny, Experience, Humor, Inspirational, Mother's Day

Quote	Tags	Rank
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.	Inspirational	44
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.	Funny	102
Laughter is an instant vacation.	Humor	103
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.	Funny	104
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.		105
Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.		106
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.	Experience, Funny	107
I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?		108
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.		109
I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.		110
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?	Mother's Day	111
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.	Funny	112
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.		113
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.		114
I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.		115
I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed right after the show.'		116
They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.		117
Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.		118
People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed.		119
There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer.		120
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.		121
It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now.		122
Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.		123
I have a file of four million jokes... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.		124
Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape.		125

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