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Henny Youngman [1906-1998] American

Rank: 101
Comedian

Henry "Henny" Youngman was an American comedian and violinist famous for his mastery of the "one-liner". His best known one-liner was "Take my wife ... please".

Marriage, Funny, Anniversary, Car, Medical, Christmas, Dad, Graduation, Home, Money, Morning, Music, Teacher, Time, Travel, Women

Quote	Tags	Rank
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.	Anniversary, Marriage, Music, Time	101
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.	Marriage	102
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.	Funny	103
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.	Medical	104
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.	Anniversary	105
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.		106
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.		107
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.		108
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.		109
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.	Medical	110
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.		111
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.		112
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.	Funny, Morning	113
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.	Christmas	114
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.	Home, Marriage	115
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.	Funny	116
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.		117
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.	Travel	118
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.		119
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.		120
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'		121
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.		122
She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.		123
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.	Women	124
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.		125
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.	Marriage	126
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!		201
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.		202
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.		203
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.	Teacher	204
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!		205
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?	Dad	206
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.		207
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.		208
Take my wife... Please!		209
She has a wash and wear bridal gown.		210
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.		211
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!	Graduation	212
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.		213
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.		214
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.	Money	215
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.	Car	216
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.		217
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.		218
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.	Car	219
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.		220
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.		221
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.		222
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.		223

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