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Groucho Marx [1895-1977] American

Rank: 4
Comedian

Julius Henry Marx, known professionally as Groucho Marx, was an American comedian and film and television star. He was known as a master of quick wit and is widely considered one of the best comedians of the modern era.

Funny, Politics, Time, Women, Art, Marriage, Medical, Wedding, Age, Beauty, Best, Communication, Death, Good, Happiness, Humor, Intelligence, Money, Morning, Music, Pet, Power, Relationship

Quote	Tags	Rank
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.	Art, Politics	101
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.		102
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.	Funny	103
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.	Happiness, Power	104
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.	Funny	105
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.		106
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.	Morning	107
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.	Best, Pet	108
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?		109
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.		110
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.	Medical	111
Before I speak, I have something important to say.		112
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.	Wedding	113
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.	Time	114
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.	Good	115
Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.	Art	116
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.		117
Humor is reason gone mad.	Humor	118
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.	Marriage, Politics	119
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.	Time	120
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.	Intelligence	121
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.	Time	122
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.		123
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.	Beauty	124
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.	Money	125
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.		126
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.		201
Women should be obscene and not heard.	Women	202
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.	Communication	203
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.		204
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.	Funny, Women	205
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.	Politics	206
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?		207
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.		208
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?	Marriage	209
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.		210
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.		211
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.		212
I intend to live forever, or die trying.	Death	213
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.		214
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.		215
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.		216
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.		217
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.		218
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.		219
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.		220
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.	Funny	221
Go, and never darken my towels again.		222
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.		223
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.		224
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.		225
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.		226
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.	Wedding	301
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.	Music	302
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.	Women	303
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.		304
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.		305
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.		306
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.		307
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!		308
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.	Relationship	309
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.	Medical	310
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.		311
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.	Age	312
Room service? Send up a larger room.		313
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.		314
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.		315
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.		316
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.		317
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.		318

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