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Steven Wright [1955-0] American

Rank: 4
Comedian

Steven Alexander Wright is an American comedian, actor, writer, and an Oscar-winning film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical, and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.

Funny, Car, Time, Birthday, Humor, Imagination, Pet, Death, Experience, Home, Money, Politics, Age, Amazing, Fear, Fitness, Future, Good, Great, Hope, Legal, Morning, Poetry, Power, Relationship, Science, Space, Success, Teacher

Quote	Tags	Rank
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.		101
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.	Time	102
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.		103
What's another word for Thesaurus?	Funny	104
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.	Birthday, Good	105
My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time.	Time	106
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.		107
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.		108
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.		109
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.	Future	110
It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling.		111
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.		112
I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.	Time	113
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.	Birthday	114
I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.		115
On the other hand, you have different fingers.		116
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.		117
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.	Car	118
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.	Legal	119
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.		120
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.	Great	121
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.	Fitness	122
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.	Power	123
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.		124
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?		125
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.		126
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.		201
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.	Birthday	202
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.	Time	203
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?		204
Hermits have no peer pressure.		205
What a nice night for an evening.		206
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.		207
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'	Birthday	208
I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'		209
Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.		210
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.		211
I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.	Teacher	212
I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.		213
My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.		214
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.	Funny	215
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.		216
I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.		217
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'		218
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.	Time	219
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?		220
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.	Car	221
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.	Car	222
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.	Car, Home	223
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.		224
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.	Car	225
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!		226
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?		301
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.		302
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.		303
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.		304
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.		305
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.		306
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?		307
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'	Morning	308
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.	Humor	309
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'	Money	310
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?		311
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.		312
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.		313
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.		314
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.	Car	315
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.		316
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.		317
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.		318
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.		319
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.		320
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.		321
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'		322
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.	Funny	323
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?		324
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?		325
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?	Space	326
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.		401
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.		402
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?		403
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.		404
There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.	Experience	405
I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.		406
I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.		407
My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about.		408
What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.	Funny	409
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.	Home	410
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.		411
My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'		412
I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.	Fear	413
I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.	Politics	414
It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.		415
I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.		416
Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'	Death	417
They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.		418
I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.'		419
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.		420
People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.	Imagination	421
It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'		422
In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it.	Success	423
Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.	Hope	424
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.		425
When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.	Pet	426
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.	Humor	501
I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.		502
Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.	Money	503
All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.		504
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?		505
OK, so what's the speed of dark?		506
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.	Funny	507
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.		508
How young can you die of old age?	Age	509
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.		510
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'		511
I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.		512
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.		513
I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.		514
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.	Funny	515
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'	Funny	516
I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.		517
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.	Amazing, Experience	518
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.		519
If God dropped acid, would he see people?		520
It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.		521
I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.		522
I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.	Imagination	523
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.		524
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.	Politics	525
I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.	Imagination, Relationship	526
One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.		601
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.	Poetry	602
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.		603
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.		604
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.		605
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.		606
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?		607
At one point he decided enough was enough.		608
I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'		609
I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.		610
I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.		611
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.		612
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.		613
I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.		614
I'm addicted to placebos.		615
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.		616
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.	Death, Science	617
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.		618
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.		619
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?		620
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.		621
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.	Pet	622
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.		623
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.		624
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'		625
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.		626
To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.		701
Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'		702
Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.		703
Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.		704
I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.		705
The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.		706
When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.		707
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.		708
I invented the cordless extension cord.		709
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.		710
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.		711
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?		712
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.		713
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.	Pet	714
So, do you live around here often?		715
George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.		716
Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.		717
I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.		718
I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.	Humor	719
I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.		720
I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.		721
I thought I would be a guy on the radio.		722
To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.		723
Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.		724
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.		725

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