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Mitch Hedberg [1968-2005] American

Rank: 4
Comedian

Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs.

Funny, Food, Amazing, Birthday, Business, Car, Cool, Dating, Dreams, Good, Great, Morning, Time, Women

Quote	Tags	Rank
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.	Funny	101
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.		102
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.		103
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?		104
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?	Cool	105
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.		106
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.	Car	107
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.	Funny	108
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.	Good	109
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.	Dreams	110
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.		111
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!	Amazing, Funny	112
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'	Time	113
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.	Food	114
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.		115
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.		116
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.	Funny	117
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.		118
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.	Morning	119
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.		120
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.		121
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.		122
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.		123
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.	Women	124
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.		125
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.		126
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.		201
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.	Great	202
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.		203
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.		204
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'		205
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.		206
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.		207
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.	Dating	208
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.		209
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.		210
Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.		211
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.		212
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.		213
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.		214
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?		215
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.		216
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.		217
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.	Food	218
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.		219
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.		220
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.		221
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.	Funny	222
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.		223
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!		224
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.		225
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.		226
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.	Birthday	301
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.	Business	302
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.		303
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.		304
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.		305
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.		306
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.		307

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