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Phyllis Diller [1917-2012] American

Rank: 10
Comedian

Phyllis Ada Driver, better known as Phyllis Diller, was an American stand-up comedian, actress and voice artist, best known for her eccentric stage persona, her self-deprecating humor, her wild hair and clothes, and her exaggerated, cackling laugh.

Funny, Anger, Beauty, Age, Chance, Christmas, Home, Men, Money, Parenting, Smile, Teacher, Thanksgiving, Wedding, Women

Quote	Tags	Rank
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.	Smile	101
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.	Anger	102
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.	Funny	103
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.	Thanksgiving	104
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?	Chance, Funny	105
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.	Teacher	106
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.		107
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.	Men	108
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.		109
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.	Beauty	110
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.	Christmas	111
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.	Women	112
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.	Funny	113
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.	Age, Beauty	114
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.		115
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.	Money	116
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.		117
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.		118
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.		119
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.		120
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'		121
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.	Home	122
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.	Wedding	123
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.	Funny	124
My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.		125
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.		126
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.		201
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.		202
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.		203
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.		204
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.		205
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.		206
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.	Anger	207
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.	Parenting	208
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.		209
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.		210
My father used to call me the laughing hyena.		211
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.		212
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?		213
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.		214
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.		215
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.		216
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.		217

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