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Woody Allen [1935-0] American

Rank: 4
Director, Actor

Woody Allen is an American actor, comedian, filmmaker, playwright, and musician, whose career spans more than six decades.
He worked as a comedy writer in the 1950s, writing jokes and scripts for television and publishing several books of short humor pieces.

Death, Funny, Food, Life, Education, Experience, Marriage, Money, Movies, Nature, Success, Art, Car, Change, Failure, Good, Government, Home, Humor, Love, Peace, Teacher, Thankful, War

Quote	Tags	Rank
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.	Experience, Good, Love	101
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.	Life	102
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.	Art, Life	103
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.		104
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.		105
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.	Thankful	106
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.	Death, Experience	107
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.	Money	108
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.	Food	109
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.	Funny	110
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.	Home, Marriage	111
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.	Peace, War	112
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.		113
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.	Change, Funny	114
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.	Funny	115
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?	Death	116
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.		117
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.		118
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.		119
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.		120
Eighty percent of success is showing up.	Success	121
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.	Movies	122
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.	Government	123
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?		124
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.		125
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.		126
Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.	Money	201
Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.		202
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.		203
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.	Nature	204
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.		205
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.	Life, Success	206
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.	Food	207
Tradition is the illusion of permanance.		208
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?		209
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.	Failure	210
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.		211
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.		212
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.		213
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.		214
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.		215
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.		216
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.		217
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.		218
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.		219
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.		220
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.		221
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.	Funny, Humor	222
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.		223
I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.	Death	224
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.		225
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.	Education, Teacher	226
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!		301
I am two with nature.	Nature	302
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.		303
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.		304
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.		305
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.		306
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.	Death	307
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.	Death	308
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.	Car	309
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.	Education	310
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.		311
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.		312
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.		313
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.	Food	314
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.		315
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.	Movies	316
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.		317
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .		318
I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.		319
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.		320
Marriage is the death of hope.	Marriage	321
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.		322
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.		323

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