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Billy Connolly [1942-0] Scottish

Rank: 101
Comedian

William "Billy" Connolly, CBE is a Scottish comedian, musician, presenter and actor. He is sometimes known, especially in his native Scotland, by the nickname "The Big Yin".

Funny, Alone, Car, God, Imagination, Marriage, Pet, Space, Trust

Quote	Tags	Rank
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.	Funny	101
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.	Marriage	102
I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.		103
It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.	God	104
There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.		105
My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.	Pet	106
I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.		107
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.	Funny	108
Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.	Alone, Trust	109
I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.		110
I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.	Funny, Space	111
Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.	Car	112
Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.		113
Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.		114
I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.		115
Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.		116
As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.		117
Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.		118
The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.		119
I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.		120
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?		121
I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.		122
Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?		123
I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.		124
I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.		125
I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.		126
Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.		201
I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.		202
I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.	Imagination	203
I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue.		204
I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.		205
The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.		206
I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it's not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.		207
I don't aim to offend.		208

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