Guess quote

Ron White [1956-0] American

Rank: 101
Comedian, Stand-up comedian

Ronald Dee "Ron' Tater Salad" White is an American stand up comedian, U.S. presidential candidate, and actor, best known as a charter member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

Famous, Funny, Communication, Dad, Diet, Humor, Learning, Life, Pet, Smile, Time, Wisdom

Quote	Tags	Rank
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.	Funny, Life	101
The next time you have a thought... let it go.	Funny, Time	102
I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.		103
Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.		104
I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part.		105
There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.	Diet	106
I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative. If you're a painter and someone stretches your canvas, it was collaborative on some level.		107
You can't fix stupid.		108
The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper.	Learning	109
People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.		110
I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.	Wisdom	111
The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.		112
But I work harder now because I have so much more exposure. And actually the harder you work as a writer, the better you get at it. It's like anything else. It's a muscle you have to exercise. I write more now than ever.		113
When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.	Dad	114
I really understood a lot more about comedy after listening to Bill Hicks, who died at 32 years old. He's probably the best comedian who ever lived. Although you can't say that because of Carlin, Cosby and Pryor.		115
I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.		116
I'm definitely guilty of thinking something is funny but thinking the audience won't. Then three years later I will finally try it and it'll kill them. I got to give them more credit.	Funny	117
There are two kinds of comics; there are the ones who build bridges, and then there are the people who walk across the bridges as though they built them. The bridge builders are few and far between.		118
I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling.		119
Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!		120
There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years.		121
Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.		122
I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.		123
I don't do any corporate work.		124
You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.		125
I've never been one to look up the ladder. I've always looked down the ladder. As long as there's one guy down there, I'm fine.		126
I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative.		201
If you look at the common denominator of all the comics who have had big success, it's being true to their nature... that's what takes a long time to learn.		202
I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.		203
You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.		204
I started selling out comedy clubs before I got to town with no advertising. I was selling out theaters just on the rumor that I was going to be there.		205
I was so in love with the idea of making people laugh for a living that I didn't care what I had to do to get there. Or how much money I was going to make when I did get there.		206
I don't have a specific plan except for as long as people want to listen to me talk, I'm going to keep talking. I can't imagine a life without doing standup.		207
The bulk of my fans are my age, and I'm aging at the same rate they are. That makes me relevant. They like hearing what I have to say. I work hard at it, but it's addicting, really.		208
My goal is just to become a better comedian.		209
Everybody I know is a joke writer.		210
I was a huge fan of comedy when I was a child.		211
My only goal is to make you laugh, not tell you the truth.		212
That's the beauty of being a straight-to-DVD star. It really helps you stay under the media's radar.		213
You can teach somebody how to be a brain surgeon, but you cannot teach them how to walk on a stage and make people laugh.		214
I loved listening to laughter even as a little kid.		215
The first thing I ever got my hands on was Andy Griffith's 'What It Was, Was Football.' I was fascinated with the fact that every syllable made it funny, and I would laugh even though I didn't know what any of it meant.		216
I was desperate for new material, so anything I can write a joke about that works is in the act. No matter who it offends, or who it bothers - doesn't matter if its something my wife hates.		217
I still love to walk on stage and make people laugh, and I work very, very hard at it, and I take it seriously.		218
If I'm not in the theatre, I'm in an open mic night or doing a guest set at the Comedy Club, or whatever, just trying to develop stuff.		219
I don't like to do burnt material on stage. Even though my crowd loves to hear me do old stuff, I don't like to do old stuff. So I do very, very little of it.		220
I guarantee there's people who watch television who have no idea how complicated it is to make a television show.		221
I could do no wrong in my mother's eyes from the day I was born. My fans bought her a very nice house in San Antonio, and she has a great life.		222
Mother, she likes the blue material just fine.		223
I get e-mail from all over the world, and from lawyers and doctors and whoever - plumbers and drywall hangers.		224
A lot of people can find something to laugh at in my humor, I guess.	Humor	225
Donald Trump - and I don't dislike Donald one single bit - has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels.		226
I would have rather been beat by a plumber than Kathy Griffin.		301
Ultimately I'm the writer for me, but also, anytime one of my friends gets stuck with a bit, they can call me, and I'm pretty good at helping them get there.		302
There have been times when I played more than others, but I've been a road comic for a quarter of a century, so I've always played golf on the road because you have a lot of time to kill.		303
All of my comedian friends are some of the best joke writers in the world.		304
There's no idea or concept in comedy you could do that hasn't been attacked from some angle. But if you start leaving punchlines out so you'll look cool, I don't get that. But I don't watch standup anyway, so I don't know what they're doing.		305
I don't watch Comedy Central. I don't enjoy it.		306
My opening acts are always really strong because I need a guy who can take on a big, big crowd. Which is not that easy to do.		307
I do a lot of gay-friendly stuff in my show, and men, women, they all love it. I practice non-judgment in my daily life and hope other people do the same thing.		308
Here's how I operate. When I see something I like, 20 years later, I ask her brother for her phone number. She don't even see me coming.		309
If you watch the 'Blue Collar Comedy Tour,' don't expect that when you come see me by myself, 'cause it's a little rougher.		310
It went from Bob Newhart to Flip Wilson to Bill Cosby to Richard Pryor to George Carlin to Cheech and Chong. I had all these records.		311
I was a comedy fan when I was a little kid.		312
The only thing I really worry about is my live stand-up show because I have to answer to the fans.		313
Anything I write that I consider stage-quality work, I won't give my TV show. I put it in my live show.		314
I always wanted to be a popular comedian.		315
I'm set up where I make a lot of money doing stand-up, and it's easy.		316
There's no backlog of people we can fire for no reason and act as if they don't exist.		317
Comedy is all about the pause.		318
I go through about 140 cities a year.		319
It never dawned on me that I had the option of becoming a comedian. I come from a little dirt street town in northwest Texas, and they really don't talk about the arts there much on career day.		320
My brain is like a cross between a colander and a Lazy Susan - thin, slow, and it leaks.		321
We always go out looking for live music after our shows.		322
As long as I stay engaged with everybody else, then I'll create more comedy. It's just when I shut off and stay at home... What helps me is just to keep moving.		323
I don't live under the illusion we don't need a military to protect this country.		324
I pretty much give both barrels every time I walk on stage.		325
I go to more open mic nights than open mikers.		326
I was talking to a guy who was holding his 18-month-old daughter with the only limb he had left, and he had a smile on his face. I thought, 'I'm not even a 10th of this man.'	Smile	401
When I was a kid, mostly I played in a ditch that didn't have much water in it. It was for drainage purposes. There was not a lot trouble to get into in that ditch. It was ditch activities like catching crawdads and minnows.		402
I don't know who in my family thinks very fast at all, including me. The things that people see me do onstage are written, so it doesn't have to be very quick if you have all day with a pen.		403
My biggest pet peeve, I guess, is other comedians criticizing Larry the Cable Guy.	Pet	404
My favorite bands are the Allman Brothers and Red Hot Chili Peppers.		405
I think the world has their own good, clean, Christian comedy. They don't need my help.		406
My shows are not all-the-way filthy, but they can be.		407
I always found that the closer I got to who I really am, on stage, the more they responded to it.		408
Somebody the other day had a review, called me 'America's reprobate.' And I don't even know what that means, but I kinda like the way it sounds.		409
I have a very fun life. I don't recommend it for anybody else, but it sure has been fun for me.		410
I've got a role in the new Billy Bob Thornton movie that Billy Bob wrote and is going to direct called 'Jayne Mansfield's Car.' I only have four scenes, but I have as much dialogue as anybody in the movie.		411
If I sit down to write a joke about, whatever, the polluted Gulf of Mexico, it comes out mundane to me.		412
My show is more storytelling now than it's ever been. It's what I'm good at.		413
I just try to keep it fresh without sacrificing funny.		414
If I'm in a town for very long, usually I'll work out in the comedy club just to keep my chops or work out the beats on new stuff.		415
I write these shows one joke at a time. There's no continuity. I do try to figure an order to the stories, but there's not continuity.		416
There's no such thing as a hit joke.		417
I've been married a few times. I'm not good at it.		418
Comedy is great because there's no overhead.		419
I write all of my material. It's all me.		420
I've asked these guys in rock bands with all the 18-wheelers driving to the venue how they make money. I just don't understand it. But I don't understand a lot of things.		421
All I know how to do is take what's on my mind and spit it out funny. I don't know what else I could do besides comedy.		422
I don't think we have a surplus of fine educators in this country that we can just start dropping them for no reason whatsoever.		423
I think honest communication, no matter where it comes from, is positive for a relationship.	Communication	424
Vegas is famous for a lot of things, and bad marriages are one of them. Margo and I are proof that you can make this work. It just takes a little effort.	Famous	425
There's not a pill you can take; there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.		426
I love Cincinnati, but you can keep that spaghetti chili product!		501
People, when they go on stage, tend to be animated and try to force things out instead of relaxing and bringing it in.		502
I'm not willing to drag my fans down a road I don't believe in. That's just my one little principle. I've only got one, and that's it.		503
TV is a hard job. You work 15 hours a day. People tell you what to do. I hate to do it.		504
Pace, rhythm and timing. Pace, rhythm and timing is what it's about. The content's got to be great, but then it's got to be delivered. It's a tricky thing to do, and it takes a lot of work.		505
If I see someone out there mouthing the words to a bit, I'm not having fun.		506
Movies are boring. It's like watching paint dry. I did a little role in a movie, and it was eight lines. I was there for three days. It's just horrible. Television is 15 hour days. Movies are 18 hour days. And it's 18 hours of doing not a thing.		507
I've been offered starring roles in horrible movies, but I just didn't want to do it. I don't see why you would.		508
People used to say I'm regional, but I'm not... We all have the same human condition.		509
Don't bring your kids to my show, and I won't come to your house and cuss.		510
The only way to stay sharp is to do live shows. There is no part-time comedy.		511
A killer Cuban restaurant with a giant cigar bar. Have me a Cuban sandwich. That's just like heaven to me. I'm a simple man.		512
Any time someone achieves success before they've earned it, it always comes back to haunt them.		513
If you become famous and don't have a live show to back it up, they're not going to pay you any money.	Famous	514
I was by far the least popular of the Blue Collar crew when we started. There was a definite pecking order, and everybody knew it.		515
I'm not the judge of who that is, but I am a believer that no debt in the universe goes unpaid. If you try to buy early, you'll pay late.		516
The Majestic Theatre in San Antone is as good as it gets.		517
I want my fans to feel like we're always in touch. Because without 'em, I wouldn't be able to do any of this.		518
Think of The Rontourage as the Ron White Channel, where you can see us getting into trouble in all kinds of different places.		519
Let's face it: a lot of my material comes from the stuff that happens to me on the road.		520
You can tell on-stage when a joke's starting to lose its pop. It doesn't mean people don't want to hear it anymore; it means I don't want to do it anymore. Because I want to move on to something that has a knee-jerk reaction just like you get when you tell somebody a joke that they've never heard.		521
I begged the universe to make me a famous comedian, and it did. So I tend not to ask for any more.	Famous	522
I was always a funny guy. I don't think anybody that makes it to this level of stand-up wasn't a funny guy when they were young.		523
My uncle was a preacher, and I used to go watch him preach. He was also funny, so I'm very 'preacher-ish' on stage, not by intent but because that's where I learned to talk in front of people.		524
I don't like to do material people have heard. Now, they like to hear material that they know, because that's the stuff that made me famous, and, unfortunately, I don't do a ton of it.	Famous	525
My life has been wild enough to derive all of the stories you need out of it. I've been through many, many years of behavioral problems, so I don't really look outside for stories.		526
As a small child, I could watch anything happen and tell a story, and it was funny.		601
I was a little one-trick pony. I do what I've always done. That's really where my best stuff comes from. I don't know how it happens. It just happens.		602
When I was 20, I used to go around telling stories, and I knew where I was comfortable - onstage, talking, making 'em laugh and listen to the weirdest things. I liked being the center of attention.		603
I don't do talk shows or go on Dr. Phil's show. He's a friend of mine, and, no, he doesn't give me any advice. He doesn't give solicited advice.		604
I've gathered some of my close musical and comedian friends, and we're going to see if we can't bring a few laughs to these soldiers, raise some money, and hopefully lift their spirits. I consider it an honor and a privilege to give back however I can for the many sacrifices of these incredibly brave men and women.		605

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