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Larry David [1947-0] American

Rank: 101
Actor, Comedian

Lawrence Gene "Larry" David is an American comedian, writer, actor, playwright and television producer. He and Jerry Seinfeld created the television series Seinfeld, and he served as its head writer and executive producer from 1989 to 1996.

Funny, Freedom, Birthday, Change, Dating, Food, Future, Mom, Relationship, Space, Women

Quote	Tags	Rank
No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all.		101
Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.		102
I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out.	Future	103
It has to do - I think - with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time.		104
Women love a self-confident bald man.	Women	105
Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad.		106
Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.		107
I don't like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide.		108
Once I know people know who I am, it gives me a lot of licence and freedom to behave in ways I wouldn't normally.	Freedom	109
Well, I always think the worst things are going to happen here, because I'm - basically inside, I'm a bad person, and so the bad kind of takes over.		110
I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.	Funny	111
Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair... Change my name, just see what happens.	Change	112
Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis.	Space	113
I don't take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big.		114
I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.		115
Golf and dating don't mix.	Dating	116
I think golf is literally an addiction. I'm surprised there's not Golf Anonymous.		117
I'm a walking, talking enigma.		118
When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless.		119
When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.	Freedom	120
The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don't like to have hot food for lunch.	Food	121
I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic.		122
I don't like to make a big splash anyway.		123
OK, I'm happy. I'm happy. All right? I'm happy.		124
I've been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don't need to know anymore.		125
I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted.		126
I'm a walking, talking enigma. We're a dying breed.		201
Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.		202
I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'	Birthday, Funny	203
I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.		204
If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.	Funny	205
I'm not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There's no closure.		206
If I wasn't a golfer, I would still be miserable - but not as miserable.		207
I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation.		208
In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three times as long as service in the regular army, although to be perfectly honest, I was unable to fulfill my entire obligation because I was taking acting classes and they said I could skip my last year.		209
It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn't happen that often.		210
When I was living in New York, there was a lot of screaming in my life. I would just get into these altercations all the time. Being in public, dealing with shopkeepers, just trying to cross the street - things like that.		211
Obviously comedic styles do change.		212
I believe in something.		213
Drugs scared me.		214
Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.	Relationship	215
I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me.		216
I just wanted laughs - that's really what I was after.		217
Sure, being a reservist wasn't as glamorous, but I was the one who had to look at myself in the mirror.		218
I'm really only happy when I'm on stage. I just feed off the energy of the audience. That's what I'm all about - people and laughter.		219
I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish.		220
I don't write shows with dialogue where actors have to memorize dialogue. I write the scenes where we know everything that's going to happen. There's an outline of about seven or eight pages, and then we improvise it.		221
The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it.	Mom	222
I don't really know much about TV and what people want to see. I'm not that well-informed about it.		223
I can't stand reading anything that I've said.		224
All of a sudden I discovered that I'm allergic to caviar. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. When I was only able to afford bad caviar, I could certainly eat my fill of it.		225
You know, I'm really not that bright.		226
I'm not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges.		301
I have no secrets.		302
I don't like to say anything good. I feel like I'll jinx myself.		303
It's always good to take something that's happened in your life and make something of it comedically.		304
I'm still driving a Prius, yeah.		305
My background is degradation and sloth, mostly.		306
And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me.		307
At first, I didn't realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me.		308
Most of the time I'm thinking, I'm glad that scene was improvised.		309
Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days.		310
It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas.		311
Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish.		312
There's a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation.		313
I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there.		314
I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently.		315
I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian.		316
Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I'm very casual about it.		317
I have quite a house. People come over and I go, 'I know, I'm sorry.'		318
I'm not quite as anonymous as I was.		319
Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on!		320
I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word 'happy' has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, 'happy.'		321
You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid.		322
There's also a certain rhythm to the way Jews talk that might be funny.		323
People don't yell nasty things at actors - they let them continue.		324
I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money - this is the guy who needs to laugh.		325
My defensiveness in life really helps me as a driver.		326
I don't like people cleaning my room.		401
I'm cranky.		402
There's nothing that reflects me. I'm unreflectable!		403
If I tried to flirt with a woman and she didn't know who I was, she would run away.		404
Anytime I'm involved with anything that's well-received, it's a surprise to me.		405
Anything that's for free, people will take. They don't discriminate.		406
I like to be quiet, and let people find me rather than having to shout at them.		407
I think that what people imagine they're going through is much worse than what they are going through.		408
I don't have many friends.		409
Perhaps I have a wider range than I'd given myself credit for.		410
The addition of nuts in salad... I always find to be beneficial.		411
I'm anti-cheese in a salad.		412
Religion doesn't play any part in my life in terms of how I live my life. But I don't think I've ever gone through a day in my life without hearing someone say the word 'Jew' or saying it myself.		413
My life has changed. I'm not walking around any more wishing I wasn't me, which was the case at one time.		414
Whenever something good happens to me, it's usually followed by something terrible.		415
Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy.		416
I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War.		417
I just feed off the energy of the audience.		418
I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized.		419
It's that I wasn't suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear - mainstream comedy.		420
The only change I can really see is that I don't have to shop for pants in stores anymore.		421
Well, as you know, I'm really only happy when I'm on stage.		422
You write about what you know.		423
There are times when I'm driving home after a day's shooting, thinking to myself, That scene would've been so much better if I had written it out.		424
I guess I still feel that I'm a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn't mean that I like it, but I feel that's what I am.		425
Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, Man Gets Married!		426
I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.		501
Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.		502
If I was going onstage, of course I would talk about it. How could I not?		503
I have reservations about everything I do.		504
I'm one of the idiots that negotiates after I write.		505
Woody Allen likes to do a lot of master shots. He likes to get the whole thing in one take, and so you could be going along doing a scene, and then the next to last line, all of a sudden, you stumble, and you have to go back to first base.		506
I never thought for a second that anything I ever did was going to make someone cringe. That never occurred to me.		507
Most people think I'm immodest.		508
Let's not forget, I got divorced.		509
I think Michael Moore is a hero.		510
I am not honest.		511
Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline.		512

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