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George Carlin [1937-2008] American

Rank: 4
Comedian

George Denis Patrick Carlin was an American stand-up comedian, actor, social critic and author. Carlin was noted for his black comedy and his thoughts on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and various taboo subjects.

Funny, Death, Work, Time, Alone, Christmas, Communication, Family, Freedom, Future, Good, Money, Pet, Religion, Travel

Quote	Tags	Rank
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.		101
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.	Funny	102
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.	Pet	103
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.	Time, Work	104
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.		105
When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?		106
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.		107
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?		108
Think off-center.		109
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.		110
Always do whatever's next.		111
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.		112
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?		113
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.	Funny	114
The status quo sucks.		115
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.	Funny	116
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.		117
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.		118
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.	Good	119
Electricity is really just organized lightning.	Funny	120
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.	Time, Work	121
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.		122
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.	Family	123
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.	Death	124
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?	Freedom	125
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.		126
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.		201
Religion is just mind control.	Religion	202
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.		203
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.		204
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.		205
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.		206
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.		207
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.	Christmas	208
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.		209
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.	Money, Work	210
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.		211
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.	Alone	212
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.		213
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?	Travel	214
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.		215
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.	Death	216
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.		217
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.		218
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.		219
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.	Future	220
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.		221
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.		222
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.		223
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.	Death	224
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.	Funny	225
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.		226
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.	Communication	301

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