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Rodney Dangerfield [1921-2004] American

Rank: 4
Comedian

Rodney Dangerfield was an American stand-up comedian, actor, producer, screenwriter and comedian known for the catchphrase "I don't get no respect!" and his monologues on that theme. He is also remembered for his 1980s film roles, especially in Easy Money, Caddyshack, and Back to School.

Funny, Pet, Marriage, Family, Home, Morning, Respect, Time, Age, Birthday, Car, Food, Hope, Jealousy, Medical, Sports, Truth

Quote	Tags	Rank
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.		101
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.		102
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.	Funny	103
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.	Funny	104
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.	Sports	105
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.	Hope	106
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.		107
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.	Age, Food	108
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.	Time	109
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.		110
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.		111
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.	Funny	112
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.	Respect	113
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.	Morning	114
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.	Car	115
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.	Home	116
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.		117
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.		118
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.	Time	119
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.	Family, Funny	120
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.		121
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.		122
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.		123
Life is just a bowl of pits.		124
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.		125
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.	Jealousy	126
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.	Home	201
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.		202
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'		203
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.	Birthday, Respect	204
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.	Pet	205
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.		206
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.	Marriage	207
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.		208
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.		209
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.		210
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.	Pet	211
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.	Truth	212
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.		213
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.	Family, Pet	214
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.		215
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.		216
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.	Medical	217
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.		218
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.	Marriage	219
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!		220
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.		221
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.	Marriage	222
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.		223
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.		224
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.		225
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.	Pet	226
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.	Morning	301
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.		302
My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.		303
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.		304

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