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Mark Twain [1835-1910] American

Rank: 3
Poet (with poems), Writer

Children, Deism, Didactism, Humour, Realism, Satire, Vernacular, Victorian

Samuel Langhorne Clemens, better known by his pen name Mark Twain, was an American writer, entrepreneur, publisher and lecturer.

Good, Education, Life, Truth, Best, Time, Age, Death, Funny, Humor, Communication, Fear, Government, Great, Health, Money, Success, Anger, Business, Chance, Courage, God, Patriotism, Politics, Society, Sports, Brainy, Diet, Experience, Fitness, Food, Forgiveness, Freedom, Happiness, History, Hope, Imagination, Intelligence, Legal, Marriage, Medical, Memorial Day, Mom, Morning, Motivational, Nature, New Year's, Power, Respect, Sad, Work

Quote	Tags	Rank
The secret of getting ahead is getting started.	Motivational	43
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.	Funny	102
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.	Funny	103
Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.		104
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.	Age	105
The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.	Death, Fear, Life, Time	106
You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.	Imagination	107
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.	Life, Success	108
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.	Brainy	109
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.	Best	110
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.	Great, Mom	111
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.	Business, Time	112
Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.	Food, Life, Success	113
The lack of money is the root of all evil.	Money	114
Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.		115
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.		116
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.	Courage, Fear	117
Loyalty to the Nation all the time, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it.	Government, Time	118
All generalizations are false, including this one.	Funny	119
I can live for two months on a good compliment.	Good	120
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.	Humor	121
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.	Sad	122
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.	Forgiveness	123
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.		124
There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.		125
The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.	History	126
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.	Experience	201
If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first.	Best, Morning	202
She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot.		203
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.	Good, Life	204
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.		205
The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.		206
Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.		207
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.		208
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.		209
A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.		210
Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.		211
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.	Government, Memorial Day, Patriotism, Time	212
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.	Death	213
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.	Life	214
Let us endeavor so to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.		215
Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.	Age, Health, Hope	216
Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks.	Business, Good	217
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.	Good	218
George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.		219
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.		220
Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.		221
As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake.		222
Optimist: day dreamer more elegantly spelled.		223
Golf is a good walk spoiled.	Good, Sports	224
Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.	New Year's	225
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.	Communication, Good	226
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.	Good	301
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.	Best, Money	302
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.	Age	303
It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.		304
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.	Power, Society	305
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.	Courage	306
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.	Good, Sports	307
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.	Health	308
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.	Intelligence	309
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.		310
The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.		311
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.	Education	312
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.		313
A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape.	Time	314
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.	Good	315
When in doubt tell the truth.	Truth	316
The educated Southerner has no use for an 'r', except at the beginning of a word.		317
There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.	Good	318
Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation.	Marriage	319
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.	Anger	320
To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal.		321
Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.		322
Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.		323
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.	Truth	324
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.	Anger	325
Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.		326
There are lies, damned lies and statistics.		401
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.		402
What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.		403
Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.		404
The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little.		405
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.	Education, God	406
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.	Truth	407
Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.		408
Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.		409
He is now rising from affluence to poverty.		410
I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any.	Fitness	411
Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.		412
Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial 'we.'		413
Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.		414
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.		415
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.	Humor	416
Under certain circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.		417
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.	Truth	418
No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.		419
How lucky Adam was. He knew when he said a good thing, nobody had said it before.	Good	420
'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.		421
A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.		422
Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.	Death, Fear	423
Don't let schooling interfere with your education.	Education	424
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.	Death, Funny	425
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.	Education	426
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.		501
Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.		502
When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.		503
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.	Medical	504
Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written.		505
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.	Politics	506
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.	Life	507
Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.		508
What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.		509
When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.		510
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.		511
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.	God, Legal	512
Prosperity is the best protector of principle.	Best	513
My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.	Great	514
We have the best government that money can buy.	Best, Government, Money	515
Buy land, they're not making it anymore.		516
All right, then, I'll go to hell.		517
The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.		518
The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.		519
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.		520
I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.		521
Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.	Patriotism	522
A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.	Communication	523
The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.		524
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?		525
The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter - 'tis the difference between the lightning-bug and the lightning.		526
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.		601
The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this.	Society	602
Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.	Education	603
I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: 'Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.'		604
A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.		605
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.	Politics	606
Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others.		607
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.		608
Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.		609
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.		610
If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but deteriorate the cat.		611
Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.		612
Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.	Great	613
Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.	Truth	614
A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.	Success	615
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.		616
Necessity is the mother of taking chances.	Chance	617
When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.	Chance	618
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.		619
I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.		620
Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.	Work	621
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.	Humor	622
It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.	Truth	623
The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.		624
Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.		625
Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.		626
Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel.		701
I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.		702
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.		703
It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.		704
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.		705
Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired.		706
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.		707
There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.	Happiness	708
Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.		709
If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.		710
Do not tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish.		711
The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.		712
It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.		713
I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.		714
Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul.		715
The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.		716
The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.		717
When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.	Respect	718
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.	Diet, Health	719
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.	Humor	720
It put our energies to sleep and made visionaries of us - dreamers and indolent... It is good to begin life poor; it is good to begin life rich - these are wholesome; but to begin it prospectively rich! The man who has not experienced it cannot imagine the curse of it.		721
In 'Huckleberry Finn,' I have drawn Tom Blankenship exactly as he was. He was ignorant, unwashed, insufficiently fed; but he had as good a heart as ever any boy had.		722
I never smoke to excess - that is, I smoke in moderation, only one cigar at a time.		723
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.		724
It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races.		725
Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.		726
Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.	Communication	801
Everything has its limit - iron ore cannot be educated into gold.		802
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.	Age, Life	803
In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.	Nature	804
All emotion is involuntary when genuine.		805
When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.		806
What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.		807
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.	Freedom	808
Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.	Education	809
The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession.		810
Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.		811
The Public is merely a multiplied 'me.'		812
There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.		813
Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so.		814
I never let schooling interfere with my education.	Education	815
Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man's, I mean.		816
Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.		817
Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.		818
Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.		819
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.		820
We Americans... bear the ark of liberties of the world.		821
Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own.		822
To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.		823
There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.		824
We are all alike, on the inside.		825
Better a broken promise than none at all.		826
It is easier to stay out than get out.		901
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.		902

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