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Chelsea Handler [1975-0] American

Rank: 102
Comedian

Chelsea Joy Handler is an American comedian, actress, writer, television host, and producer. She hosted the late-night talk show Chelsea Lately on the E!

Famous, Friendship, Humor, Marriage, Romantic, Sad, Teen, Wedding

Quote	Tags	Rank
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.		101
The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.	Friendship	102
I have always maintained a strong opposition to marriage because I would have to be in serious denial to pretend I wasn't born with a personality for divorce. Whatever the opposite of amicable is, that's how my breakups tend to play out.	Marriage	103
I like to celebrate my life. I have a life that I'm really lucky to have, and so I want to make sure every minute counts and that I go on great vacations and I share my memories with people that I love and that will make me laugh and lalalalalala.		104
We're seeking out such grossness in human behavior and want such mindless entertainment. 'The Real Housewives of Atlanta' and some of these other shows are more racist. Or '16 and Pregnant.' Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you're a teenager? Are you serious?		105
I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied - so much so that there were days when I was like, 'I can't go to school today.' I was too scared.		106
We women have to stick together.		107
I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense.		108
People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.		109
The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting.		110
It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.		111
It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.		112
I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.		113
I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.		114
There are times I felt insecure or not sure: I'm unsure of myself, or I get nervous, but nerves are good. I try and embrace all those things. I try and embrace the times where I'm not sure of myself or I'm like, 'Is this going to work? Is this going to land?'		115
Every time I had a book come out, I'm like, 'Is it going to be number one?'		116
I don't think I'm a good host. I'm not a good host. I'm terrible at hosting. That's my problem.		117
Seeing your parents fall apart is really rough. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.		118
I don't pretend to be a great interviewer; I don't even pretend to be good at my job.		119
There's a lot of pretty funny women out there.		120
I love Sandra Bullock. I think everybody loves her.		121
I try not to cheat on my boyfriends when I have them.		122
You look at, like, a 'People' magazine, which used to be a really good, you know, nice magazine you could go to for real stories. It wasn't like a 'Star' or an 'US Weekly' and they have somebody with plastic surgery on the cover, Heidi Montag. And it's obviously what consumers want, because why else would they be doing it?		123
Have you ever been sued by a midget? It's not fun.		124
It takes me a while to get my appetite going when I wake up early.		125
I've always been exactly who I am on TV. I'm not playing a role.		126
I was broke from 19 to 26, borrowing money from my parents or my brothers or sisters every week to pay the bills.		201
Jews are underdogs - not in my world, obviously, they're not.		202
I encourage interoffice romance.		203
That's my biggest struggle, is maintaining a personal romantic relationship. It takes a lot of effort.	Romantic	204
I'm a devilish kind of person, but I embrace it. I don't try to fight it. It's proven very well for me.		205
I like being able to, you know, pack up and leave the country and hop on a plane and go wherever I want and stay wherever and bring my friends with me and bring my family on vacation. That's amazing.		206
If you're a member of my family, whether immediate or extended, and you want to see my show, don't.		207
I was the youngest of six kids, and my brothers and sisters were kind of a lot older than me. And the one sister that was, like, in a close age range - she was five years older than me. She was my closest sister in age, and she was a loser.		208
You either become like your parents or you become the opposite of your parents. And I like to think that I'm the opposite of my parents.		209
MTV is known for their huge budget.		210
I'm not superstitious at all. I'm not a Russian.		211
I'm a standup comedian, so I need people.		212
I like to have a home for people just to have a lot of fun.		213
I don't have a lot of shame. That doesn't mean I can't feel bad about the way someone reacts to me or about something I read about myself online. But I don't have a lot of guilt, no. I've always been this way. I'm missing a chip.		214
I think comedy has to come from your authentic point of view.		215
I try not to apologize, especially publicly. That's a slippery slope, because I'm a comedian. If you take anything I'm saying too seriously, then you shouldn't be paying attention in the first place. If you find me offensive, don't follow me.		216
I don't like speaking publicly when I don't have to be funny.		217
The whole point of remaining on cable is to remain true to who I am. That's a bad, bad girl that got a big job.		218
I think you do need two terms as a president.		219
I have a huge impact with young girls. Young women. That's my demographic.		220
Some men are just disgusted with me and think I should have my mouth sewn shut.		221
I've always had a big personality. I was trickier as a kid. I behaved erratically instead of consistently. I would have tons of friends, and then I would have no friends. I'd be with the cool girls, then the uncool girls. I migrated from group to group because I was bored or people got bored with me. I was very intense.		222
Everywhere I go, people ask me about Jennifer Aniston's wedding. Everywhere I go. I always say to her, I'm like, 'Being friends with you is a burden. You think it's hard to be friends with me?'	Wedding	223
When you interview celebrities, they're so guarded so many times, they can't reveal anything.		224
Once I turned 40, my whole life changed in the most mature - not boring way but much cooler way. I feel much more like an adult.		225
I think if you're gonna do something as silly and lighthearted as entertainment, then why not be interesting when you're doing it?		226
Stand-up was my entree into the entertainment world. I didn't have to act out somebody else's words. I could just stand there with a microphone, and nobody would interrupt me. It's the most narcissistic thing you could probably do.		301
E! has just become a sad, sad place to live. They don't know what they're doing; they have no ideas... everything they do just is a failure.	Sad	302
I think nudity is funny, especially when it's inappropriate.		303
There was never a moment when I was like, 'I'm going to enter the public conversation on the importance of female nudity.'		304
As the youngest of six kids, I grew up spending summers on Martha's Vineyard, and I was always topless. All the pictures are of me in jean shorts, no shirt - with my brothers, playing football.		305
I'm not trying to be a role model to kids, because I don't have any children, but I do think everyone should have a free spirit.		306
I'm not friends with any of my exes, and I've never understood the appeal.		307
You can't fast-forward heartbreak, and you can't rewind love - and that's just one big bummer.		308
Jennifer Aniston is one of the most down-to-earth, low-key people I know.		309
You can't have friendships that aren't based on realness.		310
Even my Mormon sister checks my rankings on Amazon.com.		311
Who would marry me anyway? I'm a handful.		312
I do think about marriage, but it's not the end-all goal.		313
If you talk about Lindsay Lohan for four or five days a week, you really can't bear to talk about her on the weekends.		314
Anyone who's married to Mariah Carey - I'm pretty sure - doesn't have a great sense of humor. I mean, let's be honest: she's ridiculous. What is her game plan?	Humor	315
Some people think Hollywood is shallow. I find that it's home.		316
I definitely don't want to have kids. I don't think I'd be a great mother. I don't want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don't have the time to raise a child.		317
There's times where you think, 'Gosh, what if nobody ever wants to hear what I have to say?'		318
I cannot be Mary Hart - or even worse, Samantha Harris - and stand there with my hip out talking about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes taking Suri to an art museum without making fun of it.		319
There's only so much you can say about celebrity, obviously.		320
I thought I'd become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.		321
Some people have a phobia of midgets. They're, like, scared of them. I have the opposite - I see them, and I want to hold them down, cuddle them, be like, 'Come here, you little nugget. Who's your mommy now?' So cute!		322
My position as the best-selling author at E! is secure - unless Salman Rushdie develops a show with them.		323
I remember having a conversation with my sister, saying, 'What if I don't make it? What if I'm still waiting tables when I'm 35?' I was just at the end of my rope. But I've been at the end of that rope several times.		324
You can act, or you can't. I'm sure a lot of people who are serious about acting would disagree, but I'm not really worried about them.		325
I try to make fun of everyone as often as possible, especially minorities.		326
Network TV is so limiting. There are so many parameters.		401
I started my own business because my parents had no dowry for me, and I was worried. I ran it from their Martha Vineyard's summer house. I baby-sat for a 14-year-old boy all summer and was giving him time-outs, even though I was two years younger than him.		402
My standup is observational, but it's self-observational, and it's self-deprecating, definitely.		403
I once waited on a group of 10 people, and one guy collected the money from the check and tipped me $20 on $600. I told him in front of everyone, 'Jews like you give Jews like me a bad name.' That was my last waitressing job.		404
TMZ is so disgusting.		405
I think pregnancy is a huge responsibility.		406
I'm actually a big fan of Kathy Griffin because I think she's really funny. I think she's really self-deprecating, which is something I like to see in a comedian. I think those are really the best comedians: people who can make fun of themselves.		407
Personally, I'd have a baby just for the epidural.		408
Can you imagine peaking as a teen? I think if you peak in high school, there's a problem. That's what my sister always said: 'Don't worry, you'll peak later.'	Teen	409
I've always had a problem with authority. That's why I had to be my own boss.		410
I never considered myself a supermodel or anything like that. I mean, I don't think I'm ugly. I have good days and bad days, and I like when I'm fit and lean and all of those things that any woman likes, but it's not the eye of the hurricane for me.		411
The next step for me is not 'The Tonight Show.' That's a job for Jimmy Fallon. I'm way too divisive for a show like that.		412
I want to educate people and deliver news that isn't just surrounded by Charlie Sheen. I'd like to be able to do the serious stuff in conjunction with the comedy.		413
I wanted to be famous. It's embarrassing to admit, but I came out to L.A. thinking it would happen in no time. I thought, 'Once they see me, they'll be so glad I came.' I always had a ridiculous amount of self-confidence about what was going to happen to me.	Famous	414
Once you've achieved success, and you're making decisions that are working, I don't understand why anyone would be second-guessing themselves.		415
I like the minute when I can get off the stage and go home, and I know I've done a good job.		416
I have severe ADD, and I'm constantly looking to amuse myself.		417
In a relationship, the sum of your parts should equal more than just you by yourself. He needs to bring something new and different to the table to up the ante.		418
If you're really looking to hurt somebody's feelings, just break up with them.		419
Don't think about anything for too long. Even if it's off-the-wall, go for it. You'll have a lot more fun in life.		420
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are ridiculous-looking - especially her. They're so strange and charismatic and weird. It's pretty hard to take your eyes off them.		421
There's a difference between racism and people making a joke about something. There is true racism going on, and people should be able to identify what that is, comparatively.		422
I'm really into the human interest thing. I really like regular people.		423
People are following me because they want to see pictures of me. So why is Instagram editing them?		424
There are some really interesting celebrities and people who are fun to interview, but when you have to do it every day because you have to fill a slot, the allure wears off.		425
Every time I enter a country and have to write down my occupation at customs, I'm like, 'I don't know... Author? Host? Writer? Stand-up?' I usually write 'author' - that's the safest bet.		426
I always thought to myself, 'I don't want to be doing stand-up when I'm 40 years old.'		501
Men are always like, 'You're so intimidating.' I don't find myself to be. But whatever - I'm not going to try to be less intimidating. It's just a matter of finding a guy who's able to deal with it.		502
Everything isn't permanent, so don't pretend that it is. Everything's supposed to move and shift.		503
Great guys exist. They may not be in the package you think you like, and they may not come when you feel you deserve them the most, but they're there. I believe it. You should too. Because now I'm with someone who makes me grow every day. His name is Netflix.		504
I'm a late-night host that doesn't want to be tied down by time or television or even hosting.		505

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