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Pat Paulsen [1927-1997] American

Rank: 101
Comedian

Patrick Layton Paulsen — known as Pat Paulsen — was an American comedian and satirist notable for his roles on several of the Smothers Brothers TV shows, and for his campaigns for President of the United States in 1968, 1972, 1980, 1988, 1992, and 1996, which had primarily comedic rather than political objectives, although his campaigns generated some protest votes for him.

Fear, Government, Home, Romantic

Quote	Tags	Rank
Wine is something to enjoy. We get sick and tired of people who pick it apart and talk about its 'saucy nuances.'		101
All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.		102
Will I obliterate national debt? Sure, why not?		103
Should we continue to spend billions to subsidize foreign military dictatorships, or should we concentrate on taking better care of the one we have right here at home?	Home	104
The Clinton Administration has turned out to be a boon. I knew that he would be wonderful, I just knew it from the beginning. From Arkansas? Shoot.		105
You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can only make a monkey out of the voters every four years!		106
In America, any boy can grow up to become president. Or, if he never grows up, vice president.		107
I will not claim I will solve all the world's problems by myself. If I did, I'd have to run as a Republican or a Democrat.		108
We have nothing to fear but fear itself... and, of course, the boogieman.	Fear	109
Deep down, I happen to be very shallow.		110
I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird.		111
If you're old enough to be arrested, you're old enough to carry a gun.		112
The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that.	Government	113
A gun is a necessity. Who knows if you're walking down a street and you spot a moose?		114
Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.		115
Now that my wine has been served in the White House, why not me? Who could talk to farmers better than I? Somebody even asked me the other day if I had anything in my platform about taxes. 'Hell yes,' I said. 'Great state. But I wouldn't want to live there.'		116
I've upped my standards. Now, up yours.		117
Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.'		118
If elected, I will win.		119
Only a cheap politician, greedy for political gain, would try to single out one individual for blame. The fault lies not with the individual but with the system, and that system is Richard Nixon.		120
It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies.		121
Yeah, I'm running for the White House again. Well, it's not a run, really; it's sort of a brisk walk.		122
I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me.		123
We've got to step up our conservation efforts before it's too late. We're not protecting our lands and natural resources. Take the Grand Canyon for example; I'm sure that at one time it was a beautiful piece of land, and just look at the way we've let it go.		124
I'd learned some things. I knew you weren't supposed to hold a good wine at the top - the paper bag falls off.		125
I once told Tommy Smothers, 'If I could just get the money and the women straightened out, the rest of my life would be easy.'		126
The No. 1 cause of forest fires is trees.		201
I want to caucus in Iowa. I'll caucus all over the state. I don't caucus in California. You don't caucus where you live. It doesn't look good.		202
So I got into growing grapes, not realizing that there was a heck of a lot more to it than meets the eye.		203
I came down to Orange because I sold the Smothers Brothers a song called 'Chocolate,' and that gave me enough money to move down here. I was washing windows down in Orange County when they called me up and said they wanted me to do their TV show.		204
I like to pour my wines for people. I watch their eyes, I can see what they'll like. Most people say they don't like dry wine because they haven't had a dry wine that's clean and fruity, instead of a big, oaky thing.		205
I think we should just tip the government if it does a good job. Fifteen percent is the standard tip, isn't it?		206
The last few years of my life have been a little like a long ride in a Poop de Ville with the bottom down.		207
Actually, my wine was served at the White House twice. Reagan must have been asleep when he ordered it.		208
You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check.		209
We must remember that as the centuries go by, time will pass.		210
As I've always said: The future lies ahead.		211
I admit I do have some drawbacks and limitations as a candidate. Although I am a professional comedian, some of my critics maintain that this is not enough. I cannot deny that I stand before you untested and inexperienced - I only spent two years in television, never as a romantic lead or a song and dance man.	Romantic	212
I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan.		213
I don't need adult supervision.		214
People come up to me in bars and on street corners and they say to me, 'Hey, Paulsen, have you got any change?'		215
Presidents tend to tinker, you know, and mess everything up.		216
I've been on the campaign trail so long, some of my wine has turned to vinegar.		217
Only 10 percent of the people in the U.S. like dry wines. You shouldn't get down on people just because they like a little sugar.		218

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