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Robert W Service - The Baldness of Chewed-Ear
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When Chewed-ear Jenkins got hitched up to Guinneyveer McGee, 
His flowin` locks, ye recollect, wuz frivolous an` free; 
But in old Hymen`s jack-pot, it`s a most amazin` thing, 
Them flowin` locks jest disappeared like snow-balls in the Spring; 
Jest seemed to wilt an` fade away like dead leaves in the Fall, 
An` left old Chewed-ear balder than a white-washed cannon ball. 

Now Missis Chewed-ear Jenkins, that wuz Guinneyveer McGee, 
Wuz jest about as fine a draw as ever made a pair; 
But when the boys got joshin` an` suggested it was she 
That must be inflooenshul for the old man`s slump in hair — 
Why! Missis Chewed-ear Jenkins jest went clean up in the air. 

"To demonstrate," sez she that night, "the lovin` wife I am, 
I`ve bought a dozen bottles of Bink`s Anty-Dandruff Balm. 
`Twill make yer hair jest sprout an` curl like squash-vines in the sun, 
An` I`m propose to sling it on till every drop is done." 
That hit old Chewed-ear`s funny side, so he lays back an` hollers: 
"The day you raise a hair, old girl, you`ll git a thousand dollars." 

Now, whether `twas the prize or not `tis mighty hard to say, 
But Chewed-ear didn`t seem to have much comfort from that day. 
With bottles of that dandruff dope she followed at his heels, 
An` sprinkled an` massaged him even when he ate his meals. 
She waked him from his beauty sleep with tender, lovin` care, 
An` rubbed an` scrubbed assiduous, yet never sign of hair. 

Well, naturally all the boys soon tumbled to the joke, 
An` at the Wow-wow`s Social `twas Cold-deck Davis spoke: 
"The little woman`s working mighty hard on Chewed-ear`s crown; 
Let`s give her for a three-fifth`s share a hundred dollars down. 
We stand to make five hundred clear — boys, drink in whiskey straight: 
`The Chewed-ear Jenkins Hirsute Propagation Syndicate`." 

The boys wuz on, an` soon chipped in the necessary dust; 
They primed up a committy to negotiate the deal; 
Then Missis Jenkins yielded, bein` rather in disgust, 
An` all wuz signed an` witnessed, an` invested with a seal. 
They rounded up old Chewed-ear, an` they broke it what they`d done; 
Allowed they`d bought an interest in his chance of raisin` hair; 
They yanked his hat off anxiouslike, opinin` one by one 
Their magnifyin` glasses showed fine prospects everywhere. 
They bought Hairlene, an` Thatchem, an` Jay`s Capillery Juice, 
An` Seven Something Sisters, an` Macassar an` Bay Rum, 
An` everyone insisted on his speshul right to sluice 
His speshul line of lotion onto Chewed-ear`s cranium. 
They only got the merrier the more the old man roared, 
An` shares in "Jenkins Hirsute" went sky-highin` on the board. 

The Syndicate wuz hopeful that they`d demonstrate the pay, 
An` Missis Jenkins laboured in her perseverin` way. 
The boys discussed on "surface rights", an` "out-crops" an` so on, 
An` planned to have it "crown" surveyed, an` blue prints of it drawn. 
They ran a base line, sluiced an` yelled, an` everyone wuz glad, 
Except the balance of the property, an` he wuz "mad". 
"It gives me pain," he interjects, "to squash yer glowin` dream, 
But you wuz fools when you got in on this here `Hirsute` scheme. 
You`ll never raise a hair on me," when lo! that very night, 
Preparin` to retire he got a most onpleasant fright: 
For on that shinin` dome of his, so prominently bare, 
He felt the baby outcrop of a second growth of hair. 

A thousand dollars! Sufferin` Caesar! Well, it must be saved! 
He grabbed his razor recklesslike, an` shaved an` shaved an` shaved. 
An` when his head was smooth again he gives a mighty sigh, 
An` sneaks away, an` buys some Hair Destroyer on the sly. 
So there wuz Missis Jenkins with "Restorer" wagin` fight, 
An` Chewed-ear with "Destroyer" circumventin` her at night. 
The battle wuz a mighty one; his nerves wuz on the strain, 
An` yet in spite of all he did that hair began to gain. 

The situation grew intense, so quietly one day, 
He gave his share-holders the slip, an` made his get-a-way. 
Jest like a criminal he skipped, an` aimed to defalcate 
The Chewed-ear Jenkins Hirsute Propagation Syndicate. 
His guilty secret burned him, an` he sought the city`s din: 
"I`ve got to get a wig," sez he, "to cover up my sin. 
It`s growin`, growin` night an` day; it`s most amazin` hair"; 
An` when he looked at it that night, he shuddered with despair. 
He shuddered an` suppressed a cry at what his optics seen — 
For on my word of honour, boys, that hair wuz growin` green. 

At first he guessed he`d get some dye, an` try to dye it black; 
An` then he saw `twas Nemmysis wuz layin` on his track. 
He must jest face the music, an` confess the thing he done, 
An` pay the boys an` Guinneyveer the money they had won. 
An` then there came a big idee — it thrilled him like a shock: 
Why not control the Syndicate by buyin` up the Stock? 

An` so next day he hurried back with smoothly shaven pate, 
An` for a hundred dollars he bought up the Syndicate. 
`Twas mighty frenzied finance an` the boys set up a roar, 
But "Hirsutes" from the market wuz withdrawn for evermore. 
An` to this day in Nuggetsville they tell the tale how slick 
The Syndicate sold out too soon, and Chewed-ear turned the trick.
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