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Robert W Service - Bessie`s Boil
Work rating: Medium

Says I to my Missis: "Ba goom, lass! you`ve something I see, on your mind."
Says she: "You are right, Sam, I`ve something. It `appens it`s on me be`ind.
A Boil as `ud make Job jealous. It `urts me no end when I sit."
Says I: "Go to `ospittel, Missis. They might `ave to coot it a bit."
Says she: "I just `ate to be showin` the part of me person it`s at."
Says I: "Don`t be fussy; them doctors see sights more `orrid than that."

So Misses goes off togged up tasty, and there at the `ospittel door
They tells `er to see the `ouse Doctor, `oose office is Room Thirty-four.
So she `unts up and down till she finds it, and knocks and a voice says: "Come in,"
And there is a `andsome young feller, in white from `is `eels to `is chin.
"I`ve got a big boil," says my Missis. "It `urts me for fair when I sit,
And Sam (that`s me `usband) `as asked me to ask you to coot it a bit."
Then blushin` she plucks up her courage, and bravely she shows `im the place,
And `e gives it a proper inspection, wi` a `eap o` surprise on `is face.
Then `e says wi` an accent o` Scotland: "Whit ye hae is a bile, Ah can feel,
But ye`d better consult the heid Dockter; they caw him Professor O`Niel.
He`s special for biles and carbuncles. Ye`ll find him in Room Sixty-three.
No charge, Ma`am. It`s been a rare pleasure. Jist tell him ye`re comin` from me."

So Misses she thanks `im politely, and `unts up and down as before,
Till she comes to a big `andsome room with "Professor O`Neil" on the door.
Then once more she plucks up her courage, and knocks, and a voice says: "All right."
So she enters, and sees a fat feller wi` whiskers, all togged up in white.
"I`ve got a big boil," says my Missis, "and if ye will kindly permit,
I`d like for to `ave you inspect it; it `urts me like all when I sit."
So blushin` as red as a beet-root she `astens to show `im the spot,
And `e says wi` a look o` amazement: "Sure, Ma`am, it must hurt ye a lot."
Then `e puts on `is specs to regard it, and finally says wi` a frown:
"I`ll bet it`s as sore as the divvle, especially whin ye sit down.
I think it`s a case for the Surgeon; ye`d better consult Doctor Hoyle.
I`ve no hisitation in sayin` yer boil is a hill of a boil."

So Misses she thanks `im for sayin` her boil is a hill of a boil,
And `unts all around till she comes on a door that is marked: "Doctor Hoyle."
But by now she `as fair got the wind up, and trembles in every limb;
But she thinks: "After all, `e`s a Doctor. Ah moosn`t be bashful wi` `im."
She`s made o` good stuff is the Missis, so she knocks and a voice says: "Oos there?"
"It`s me," says ma Bessie, an` enters a room which is spacious and bare.
And a wise-lookin` old feller greets `er, and `e too is togged up in white.
"It`s the room where they coot ye," thinks Bessie; and shakes like a jelly wi` fright.
"Ah got a big boil," begins Missis, "and if ye are sure you don`t mind,
I`d like ye to see it a moment. It `urts me, because it`s be`ind."
So thinkin` she`d best get it over, she `astens to show `im the place,
And `e stares at `er kindo surprised like, an` gets very red in the face.
But `e looks at it most conscientious, from every angle of view,
Then `e says wi` a shrug o` `is shoulders: "Pore Lydy, I`m sorry for you.
It wants to be cut, but you should `ave a medical bloke to do that.
Sye, why don`t yer go to the `orsespittel, where all the Doctors is at?
Ye see, Ma`am, this part o` the buildin` is closed on account o` repairs;
Us fellers is only the pynters, a-pyntin` the `alls and the stairs."
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