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Rudyard Kipling - The Legend of the Foreign Office
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Rajah of Kolazai, 
Drinketh the "simpkin" and brandy peg, 
Maketh the money to fly, 
Vexeth a Government, tender and kind,
Also — but this is a detail — blind.


Rustum Beg of Kolazai — slightly backward Native State —
Lusted for a C.S.I. — so began to sanitate.
Built a Gaol and Hospital — nearly built a City drain —
Till his faithful subjects all thought their ruler was insane.

Strange departures made he then — yea, Departments stranger still:
Half a dozen Englishmen helped the Rajah with a will,
Talked of noble aims and high, hinted of a future fine
For the State of Kolazai, on a strictly Western line.

Fajah Rustum held his peace; lowered octroi dues a half;
Organised a State Police; purified the Civil Staff;
Settled cess and tax aftresh in a very liberal way;
Cut temptations of the flesh — also cut the Bukhshi`s pay;

Roused his Secretariat to a fine Mahratta fury,
By an Order hinting at supervision of dasturi;
Turned the State of Kolazai very nearly upside-down;
When the end of May was night waited his achievement`s crown.

Then the Birthday Honours came. Sad to state and sad to see,
Stood against the Rajah`s name nothing more than C.I.E.!. . .
Things were lively for a week in the State of Kolazai,
Even now the people speak of that time regretfully.

How he disendowed the Gaol — stopped at once the City drain;
Turned to beauty fair and frail — got his senses back again;
Doubled taxes, cesses, all; cleared away each new-built thana;
Turned the two-lakh Hospital into a superb Zenana;

Heaped upon the Bukshi Sahib wealth and honours manifold;
Glad himself in Eastern garb — squeezed his people as of old.
Happy, happy Kolazai! Never more will Rustum Beg
Play to catch his Viceroy`s eye. He prefers the "simpkin" peg.
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