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James Russell Lowell - The Pious Editor`s Creed
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I du believe in Freedom`s cause,
  Ez fur away ez Payris is;
I love to see her stick her claws
  In them infarnal Phayrisees;
It`s wal enough agin a king
  To dror resolves an` triggers,--
But libbaty`s a kind o` thing
  Thet don`t agree with niggers.

I du believe the people want
  A tax on teas an` coffees,         
Thet nothin` aint extravygunt,--
  Purvidin` I`m in office;
For I hev loved my country sence
  My eye-teeth filled their sockets,
An` Uncle Sam I reverence,
  Partic`larly his pockets.

I du believe in _any_ plan
  O` levyin` the texes,
Ez long ez, like a lumberman,
  I git jest wut I axes;              
I go free-trade thru thick an` thin,
  Because it kind o` rouses
The folks to vote,--an` keeps us in
  Our quiet custom-houses.

I du believe it`s wise an` good
  To sen` out furrin missions,
Thet is, on sartin understood
  An` orthydox conditions;--
I mean nine thousan` dolls. per ann.,
  Nine thousan` more fer outfit,     
An` me to recommend a man
  The place `ould jest about fit.

I du believe in special ways
  O` prayin` an` convartin`;
The bread comes back in many days,
  An` buttered, tu, fer sartin;
I mean in preyin` till one busts
  On wut the party chooses,
An` in convartin` public trusts
  To very privit uses.               

I du believe hard coin the stuff
  Fer `lectioneers to spout on;
The people`s ollers soft enough
  To make hard money out on;
Dear Uncle Sam pervides fer his,
  An` gives a good-sized junk to all,--
I don`t care _how_ hard money is,
  Ez long ez mine`s paid punctooal.

I du believe with all my soul
  In the gret Press`s freedom,       
To pint the people to the goal
  An` in the traces lead `em;
Palsied the arm thet forges yokes
  At my fat contracts squintin`,
An` withered be the nose thet pokes
  Inter the gov`ment printin`!

I du believe thet I should give
  Wut`s his`n unto Caesar,
Fer it`s by him I move an` live,
  Frum him my bread an` cheese air;               
I du believe thet all o` me
  Doth bear his superscription,--
Will, conscience, honor, honesty,
  An` things o` thet description.

I du believe in prayer an` praise
  To him that hez the grantin`
O` jobs,--in every thin` thet pays,
  But most of all in CANTIN`;
This doth my cup with marcies fill,
  This lays all thought o` sin to rest,--        
I _don`t_ believe in princerple,
  But oh, I _du_ in interest.

I du believe in bein` this
  Or thet, ez it may happen
One way or t`other hendiest is
  To ketch the people nappln`;
It aint by princerples nor men
  My preudunt course is steadied,--
I scent wich pays the best, an` then
  Go into it baldheaded.                          

I du believe thet holdin` slaves
  Comes nat`ral to a Presidunt,
Let `lone the rowdedow it saves
  To hev a wal-broke precedunt:
Fer any office, small or gret,
  I couldn`t ax with no face,
`uthout I`d ben, thru dry an` wet,
  Th` unrizzest kind o` doughface.

I du believe wutever trash
  `ll keep the people in blindness,--            
Thet we the Mexicuns can thrash
  Right inter brotherly kindness,
Thet bombshells, grape, an` powder `n` ball
  Air good-will`s strongest magnets,
Thet peace, to make it stick at all,
  Must be druv in with bagnets.

In short, I firmly du believe
  In Humbug generally,
Fer it`s a thing thet I perceive
  To hev a solid vally;                          
This heth my faithful shepherd ben,
  In pasturs sweet heth led me,
An` this`ll keep the people green
  To feed ez they hev fed me.
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