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James Russell Lowell - Speech Of Honourable Preserved Doe In Secret Caucus
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I thank ye, my frien`s, for the warmth o` your greetin`:
Ther` `s few airthly blessin`s but wut`s vain an` fleetin`;
But ef ther` is one thet hain`t _no_ cracks an` flaws,
An` is wuth goin` in for, it`s pop`lar applause;
It sends up the sperits ez lively ez rockets,
An` I feel it--wal, down to the eend o` my pockets.
Jes` lovin` the people is Canaan in view,
But it`s Canaan paid quarterly t` hev `em love you;
It`s a blessin` thet`s breakin` out ollus in fresh spots;
It`s a-follerin` Moses `thout losin` the flesh-pots.             
But, Gennlemen, `scuse me, I ain`t sech a raw cus
Ez to go luggin` ellerkence into a caucus,--
Thet is, into one where the call comprehen`s
Nut the People in person, but on`y their frien`s;
I`m so kin` o` used to convincin` the masses
Of th` edvantage o` bein` self-governin` asses,
I forgut thet _we_`re all o` the sort thet pull wires
An` arrange for the public their wants an` desires,
An` thet wut we hed met for wuz jes` to agree
Wut the People`s opinions in futur` should be.                   

Now, to come to the nub, we`ve ben all disappinted,
An` our leadin` idees are a kind o` disjinted,
Though, fur ez the nateral man could discern,
Things ough` to ha` took most an oppersite turn.
But The`ry is jes` like a train on the rail,
Thet, weather or no, puts her thru without fail,
While Fac` `s the ole stage thet gits sloughed in the ruts,
An` hez to allow for your darned efs an` buts,
An` so, nut intendin` no pers`nal reflections,
They don`t--don`t nut allus, thet is,--make connections:         
Sometimes, when it really doos seem thet they`d oughter
Combine jest ez kindly ez new rum an` water,
Both`ll be jest ez sot in their ways ez a bagnet,
Ez otherwise-minded ez th` eends of a magnet,
An` folks like you `n` me, thet ain`t ept to be sold,
Git somehow or `nother left out in the cold.

I expected `fore this, `thout no gret of a row,
Jeff D. would ha` ben where A. Lincoln is now,
With Taney to say `twuz all legle an` fair,
An` a jury o` Deemocrats ready to swear                          
Thet the ingin o` State gut throwed into the ditch
By the fault o` the North in misplacin` the switch.
Things wuz ripenin` fust-rate with Buchanan to nuss `em;
But the People--they wouldn`t be Mexicans, cuss `em!
Ain`t the safeguards o` freedom upsot, `z you may say,
Ef the right o` rev`lution is took clean away?
An` doosn`t the right primy-fashy include
The bein` entitled to nut be subdued?
The fect is, we`d gone for the Union so strong,
When Union meant South ollus right an` North wrong,              
Thet the People gut fooled into thinkin` it might
Worry on middlin` wal with the North in the right.
We might ha` ben now jest ez prosp`rous ez France,
Where p`litikle enterprise hez a fair chance,
An` the People is heppy an` proud et this hour,
Long ez they hev the votes, to let Nap hey the power;
But _our_ folks they went an` believed wut we`d told `em
An`, the flag once insulted, no mortle could hold `em.
`Twuz pervokin` jest when we wuz cert`in to win,--
And I, for one, wun`t trust the masses agin:                      
For a People thet knows much ain`t fit to be free
In the self-cockin`, back-action style o` J.D.

I can`t believe now but wut half on `t is lies;
For who`d thought the North wuz agoin` to rise,
Or take the pervokin`est kin` of a stump,
`thout `twuz sunthin` ez pressin` ez Gabr`el`s las` trump?
Or who`d ha` supposed, arter _sech_ swell an` bluster
`bout the lick-ary-ten-on-ye fighters they`d muster,
Raised by hand on briled lightnin`, ez op`lent `z you please
In a primitive furrest ol femmily-trees,--                       
Who`d ha` thought thet them Southuners ever `ud show
Starns with pedigrees to `em like theirn to the foe,
Or, when the vamosin` come, ever to find
Nat`ral masters in front an` mean white folks behind?
By ginger, ef I`d ha` known half I know now,
When I wuz to Congress, I wouldn`t, I swow,
Hey let `em cair on so high-minded an` sarsy,
`thout _some_ show o` wut you may call vicy-varsy.
To be sure, we wuz under a contrac` jes` then
To be dreffle forbearin` towards Southun men;                     
We hed to go sheers in preservin` the bellance;
An` ez they seemed to feel they wuz wastin` their tellents
`thout some un to kick, `twarn`t more `n proper, you know,
Each should furnish his part; an` sence they found the toe,
An` we wuzn`t cherubs--wal, we found the buffer,
For fear thet the Compromise System should suffer.

I wun`t say the plan hedn`t onpleasant featurs,--
For men are perverse an` onreasonin` creaturs,
An` forgit thet in this life `tain`t likely to heppen
Their own privit fancy should ollus be cappen,--                
But it worked jest ez smooth ez the key of a safe,
An` the gret Union bearin`s played free from all chafe.
They warn`t hard to suit, ef they hed their own way,
An` we (thet is, some on us) made the thing pay:
`twuz a fair give-an`-take out of Uncle Sam`s heap;
Ef they took wut warn`t theirn, wut we give come ez cheap;
The elect gut the offices down to tide-waiter,
The people took skinnin` ez mild ez a tater.
Seemed to choose who they wanted tu, footed the bills,
An` felt kind o` `z though they wuz havin` their wills,          
Which kep` `em ez harmless an` cherfle ez crickets,
While all we invested wuz names on the tickets;
Wal, ther` `s nothin`, for folks fond o` lib`ral consumption
Free o` charge, like democ`acy tempered with gumption!

Now warn`t thet a system wuth pains in presarvin`,
Where the people found jints an` their frien`s done the carvin`,--
Where the many done all o` their thinkin` by proxy,
An` were proud on `t ez long ez `twuz christened Democ`cy,--
Where the few let us sap all o` Freedom`s foundations,
Ef you call it reformin` with prudence an` patience,             
An` were willin` Jeff`s snake-egg should hetch with the rest,
Ef you writ `Constitootional` over the nest?
But it`s all out o` kilter, (`twuz too good to last,)
An` all jes` by J.D.`s perceedin` too fast;
Ef he`d on`y hung on for a month or two more,
We`d ha` gut things fixed nicer `n they hed ben before:
Afore he drawed off an` lef all in confusion,
We wuz safely entrenched in the ole Constitootion,
With an outlyin`, heavy-gun, case-mated fort
To rake all assailants,--I mean th` S.J. Court.                 
Now I never`ll acknowledge (nut ef you should skin me)
`twuz wise to abandon sech works to the in`my,
An` let him fin` out thet wut scared him so long,
Our whole line of argyments, lookin` so strong,
All our Scriptur an` law, every the`ry an` fac`,
Wuz Quaker-guns daubed with Pro-slavery black.
Why, ef the Republicans ever should git
Andy Johnson or some one to lend `em the wit
An` the spunk jes` to mount Constitootion an` Court
With Columbiad guns, your real ekle-rights sort,                 
Or drill out the spike from the ole Declaration
Thet can kerry a solid shot clearn roun` creation,
We`d better take maysures for shettin` up shop,
An` put off our stock by a vendoo or swop.

But they wun`t never dare tu; you`ll see `em in Edom
`fore they ventur` to go where their doctrines `ud lead `em:
They`ve ben takin` our princerples up ez we dropt `em,
An` thought it wuz terrible `cute to adopt `em;
But they`ll fin` out `fore long thet their hope`s ben deceivin` `em,
An` thet princerples ain`t o` no good, ef you b`lieve in `em;
It makes `em tu stiff for a party to use,                         
Where they`d ough` to be easy `z an ole pair o` shoes.
If _we_ say `n our pletform thet all men are brothers,
We don`t mean thet some folks ain`t more so `n some others;
An` it`s wal understood thet we make a selection,
An` thet brotherhood kin` o` subsides arter `lection.
The fust thing for sound politicians to larn is,
Thet Truth, to dror kindly in all sorts o` harness,
Mus` be kep` in the abstract,--for, come to apply it,
You`re ept to hurt some folks`s interists by it.                 
Wal, these `ere Republicans (some on `em) ects
Ez though gineral mexims `ud suit speshle facts;
An` there`s where we`ll nick `em, there`s where they`ll be lost;
For applyin` your princerple`s wut makes it cost,
An` folks don`t want Fourth o` July t` interfere
With the business-consarns o` the rest o` the year,
No more `n they want Sunday to pry an` to peek
Into wut they are doin` the rest o` the week.

A ginooine statesman should be on his guard,
Ef he _must_ hev beliefs, nut to b`lieve `em tu hard;       
For, ez sure ez he does, he`ll be blartin` `em out
`thout regardin` the natur` o` man more `n a spout,
Nor it don`t ask much gumption to pick out a flaw
In a party whose leaders are loose in the jaw:
An` so in our own case I ventur` to hint
Thet we`d better nut air our perceedin`s in print,
Nor pass resserlootions ez long ez your arm
Thet may, ez things heppen to turn, du us harm;
For when you`ve done all your real meanin` to smother,
The darned things`ll up an` mean sunthin` or `nother.            
Jeff`son prob`ly meant wal with his `born free an` ekle,`
But it`s turned out a real crooked stick in the sekle;
It`s taken full eighty-odd year--don`t you see?--
From the pop`lar belief to root out thet idee,
An`, arter all, suckers on `t keep buddin` forth
In the nat`lly onprincipled mind o` the North.
No, never say nothin` without you`re compelled tu,
An` then don`t say nothin` thet you can be held tu,
Nor don`t leave no friction-idees layin` loose
For the ign`ant to put to incend`ary use.                       

You know I`m a feller thet keeps a skinned eye
On the leetle events thet go skurryin` by,
Coz it`s of`ner by them than by gret ones you`ll see
Wut the p`litickle weather is likely to be.
Now I don`t think the South`s more `n begun to be licked,
But I _du_ think, ez Jeff says, the wind-bag`s gut pricked;
It`ll blow for a spell an` keep puffin` an` wheezin`,
The tighter our army an` navy keep, squeezin`--
For they can`t help spread-eaglein` long `z ther`s a mouth
To blow Enfield`s Speaker thru lef` at the South.               
But it`s high time for us to be settin` our faces
Towards reconstructin` the national basis,
With an eye to beginnin` agin on the jolly ticks
We used to chalk up `hind the back-door o` politics;
An` the fus` thing`s to save wut of Slav`ry ther`s lef`
Arter this (I mus` call it) imprudence o` Jeff:
For a real good Abuse, with its roots fur an` wide,
Is the kin` o` thing _I_ like to hev on my side;
A Scriptur` name makes it ez sweet ez a rose,
An` it`s tougher the older an` uglier it grows--               
(I ain`t speakin` now o` the righteousness of it,
But the p`litickle purchase it gives an` the profit).

Things look pooty squally, it must be allowed,
An` I don`t see much signs of a bow in the cloud:
Ther`s too many Deemocrats--leaders wut`s wuss--
Thet go for the Union `thout carin` a cuss
Ef it helps ary party thet ever wuz heard on,
So our eagle ain`t made a split Austrian bird on.
But ther`s still some consarvative signs to be found
Thet shows the gret heart o` the People is sound:                
(Excuse me for usin` a stump-phrase agin,
But, once in the way on `t, they _will_ stick like sin
There`s Phillips, for instance, hez jes` ketched a Tartar
In the Law-`n`-Order Party of ole Cincinnater;
An` the Compromise System ain`t gone out o` reach,
Long `z you keep the right limits on freedom o` speech.
`Twarn`t none too late, neither, to put on the gag,
For he`s dangerous now he goes in for the flag.
Nut thet I altogether approve o` bad eggs,
They`re mos` gin`ly argymunt on its las` legs,--                
An` their logic is ept to be tu indiscriminate,
Nor don`t ollus wait the right objecs to `liminate;
But there is a variety on `em, you`ll find,
Jest ez usefle an` more, besides bein` refined,--
I mean o` the sort thet are laid by the dictionary,
Sech ez sophisms an` cant, thet`ll kerry conviction ary
Way thet you want to the right class o` men,
An` are staler than all `t ever come from a hen:
`Disunion` done wal till our resh Southun friends
Took the savor all out on `t for national ends;                  
But I guess `Abolition` `ll work a spell yit,
When the war`s done, an` so will `Forgive-an`-forgit.`
Times mus` be pooty thoroughly out o` all jint,
Ef we can`t make a good constitootional pint;
An` the good time`ll come to be grindin` our exes,
When the war goes to seed in the nettle o` texes:
Ef Jon`than don`t squirm, with sech helps to assist him,
I give up my faith in the free-suffrage system;
Democ`cy wun`t be nut a mite interestin`,
Nor p`litikle capital much wuth investin`;                      
An` my notion is, to keep dark an` lay low
Till we see the right minute to put in our blow.--

But I`ve talked longer now `n I hed any idee,
An` ther`s others you want to hear more `n you du me;
So I`ll set down an` give thet `ere bottle a skrimmage,
For I`ve spoke till I`m dry ez a real graven image.
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