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James Russell Lowell - Birdofredum Sawin; Esq., To Mr. Hosea Biglow
Work rating: Low

I hed it on my min` las` time, when I to write ye started,
To tech the leadin` featurs o` my gittin` me convarted;
But, ez my letters hez to go clearn roun` by way o` Cuby,
`Twun`t seem no staler now than then, by th` time it gits where you be.
You know up North, though secs an` things air plenty ez you please,
Ther` warn`t nut one on `em thet come jes` square with my idees:
They all on `em wuz too much mixed with Covenants o` Works,
An` would hev answered jest ez wal for Afrikins an` Turks,
Fer where`s a Christian`s privilege an` his rewards eusuin`,
Ef `taint perfessin` right and eend `thout nary need o` doin`?      
I dessay they suit workin`-folks thet ain`t noways pertic`lar,
But nut your Southun gen`leman thet keeps his parpendic`lar;
I don`t blame nary man thet casts his lot along o` _his_ folks,
But ef you cal`late to save _me_, `t must be with folks thet _is_ folks;
Cov`nants o` works go `ginst my grain, but down here I`ve found out
The true fus`-fem`ly A  plan,--here`s how it come about.
When I fus` sot up with Miss S., sez she to me, sez she,
`Without you git religion, Sir, the thing can`t never be;
Nut but wut I respeck,` sez she, `your intellectle part,
But you wun`t noways du for me athout a change o` heart;           
Nothun religion works wal North, but it`s ez soft ez spruce,
Compared to ourn, for keepin` sound,` sez she, `upon the goose;
A day`s experunce `d prove to ye, ez easy `z pull a trigger.
It takes the Southun pint o` view to raise ten bales a nigger;
You`ll fin` thet human natur`, South, ain`t wholesome more `n skin-deep,
An` once `t a darkie`s took with it, he wun`t be wuth his keep,`
`How _shell_ I git it, Ma`am?`--sez I, `Attend the nex` camp-meetin`,`
Sez she, `an` it`ll come to ye ez cheap ez onbleached sheetin`.`
Wal, so I went along an` hearn most an impressive sarmon
About besprinklin` Afriky with fourth-proof dew o` Harmon:        
He didn`t put no weaknin` in, but gin it tu us hot,
`Z ef he an` Satan `d ben two bulls in one five-acre lot:
I don`t purtend to foller him, but give ye jes` the heads;
For pulpit ellerkence, you know, `most ollers kin` o` spreads.
Ham`s seed wuz gin to us in chairge, an` shouldn`t we be li`ble
In Kingdom Come, ef we kep` back their priv`lege in the Bible?
The cusses an` the promerses make one gret chain, an` ef
You snake one link out here, one there, how much on `t ud be lef`?
All things wuz gin to man for `s use, his sarvice, an` delight;      
An` don`t the Greek an` Hebrew words thet mean a Man mean White?
Ain`t it belittlin` the Good Book in all its proudes` featurs
To think `twuz wrote for black an` brown an` `lasses-colored creaturs,
Thet couldn` read it, ef they would, nor ain`t by lor allowed to,
But ough` to take wut we think suits their naturs, an` be proud to?
Warn`t it more prof`table to bring your raw materil thru
Where you can work it inta grace an` inta cotton, tu,
Than sendin` missionaries out where fevers might defeat `em,
An` ef the butcher didn` call, their p`rishioners might eat `em?
An` then, agin, wut airthly use? Nor `twarn`t our fault, in so fur
Ez Yankee skippers would keep on atotin` on `em over.            
`T improved the whites by savin` `em from ary need o` workin`,
An` kep` the blacks from bein` lost thru idleness an` shirkin`;
We took to `em ez nat`ral ez a barn-owl doos to mice,
An` hed our hull time on our hands to keep us out o` vice;
It made us feel ez pop`lar ez a hen doos with one chicken,
An` fill our place in Natur`s scale by givin` `em a lickin`:
For why should Caesar git his dues more `n Juno, Pomp, an` Cuffy?
It`s justifyin` Ham to spare a nigger when he`s stuffy.
Where`d their soles go tu, like to know, ef we should let `em ketch
Freeknowledgism an` Fourierism an` Speritoolism an` sech?        
When Satan sets himself to work to raise his very bes` muss,
He scatters roun` onscriptur`l views relatin` to Ones`mus.
You`d ough` to seen, though, how his facs an` argymunce an` figgers
Drawed tears o` real conviction from a lot o` pen`tent niggers!
It warn`t like Wilbur`s meetin`, where you`re shet up in a pew,
Your dickeys sorrin` off your ears, an` bilin` to be thru;
Ther` wuz a tent clost by thet hed a kag o` sunthin` in it,
Where you could go, ef you wuz dry, an` damp ye in a minute;
An` ef you did dror off a spell, ther` wuzn`t no occasion
To lose the thread, because, ye see, he bellered like all Bashan.      
It`s dry work follerin` argymunce an` so, `twix` this an` thet,
I felt conviction weighin` down somehow inside my hat;
It growed an` growed like Jonah`s gourd, a kin` o` whirlin` ketched me,
Ontil I fin`lly clean gin out an` owned up thet he`d fetched me;
An` when nine tenths o` th` perrish took to tumblin` roun` an` hollerin`,
I didn` fin` no gret in th` way o` turnin` tu an` follerin`.
Soon ez Miss S. see thet, sez she, `_Thet_`s wut I call wuth seein`!
_Thet_`s actin` like a reas`nable an` intellectle bein`!`
An` so we fin`lly made it up, concluded to hitch hosses,
An` here I be `n my ellermunt among creation`s bosses;           
Arter I`d drawed sech heaps o` blanks, Fortin at last hez sent a prize,
An` chose me for a shinin` light o` missionary entaprise.

This leads me to another pint on which I`ve changed my plan
O` thinkin` so`s`t I might become a straight-out Southun man.
Miss S. (her maiden name wuz Higgs, o` the fus` fem`ly here)
On her Ma`s side`s all Juggernot, on Pa`s all Cavileer,
An` sence I`ve merried into her an` stept into her shoes,
It ain`t more `n nateral thet I should modderfy my views:
I`ve ben a-readin` in Debow ontil I`ve fairly gut
So `nlightened thet I`d full ez lives ha` ben a Dook ez nut;      
An` when we`ve laid ye all out stiff, an` Jeff hez gut his crown,
An` comes to pick his nobles out, _wun`t_ this child be in town!
We`ll hev an Age o` Chivverlry surpassin` Mister Burke`s,
Where every fem`ly is fus`-best an` nary white man works:
Our system`s sech, the thing`ll root ez easy ez a tater;
For while your lords in furrin parts ain`t noways marked by natur`,
Nor sot apart from ornery folks in featurs nor in figgers,
Ef ourn`ll keep their faces washed, you`ll know `em from their niggers.
Ain`t _sech_ things wuth secedin` for, an` gittin` red o` you
Thet waller in your low idees, an` will tell all is blue?       
Fact is, we _air_ a diff`rent race, an` I, for one, don`t see,
Sech havin` ollers ben the case, how w`ever _did_ agree.
It`s sunthin` thet you lab`rin`-folks up North hed ough` to think on,
Thet Higgses can`t bemean themselves to rulin` by a Lincoln,--
Thet men, (an` guv`nors, tu,) thet hez sech Normal names ez Pickens,
Accustomed to no kin` o` work, `thout `tis to givin` lickins,
Can`t measure votes with folks thet get their living from their farms,
An` prob`ly think thet Law`s ez good ez hevin` coats o` arms.
Sence I`ve ben here, I`ve hired a chap to look about for me
To git me a transplantable an` thrifty fem`ly-tree,              
An` he tells _me_ the Sawins is ez much o` Normal blood
Ez Pickens an` the rest on `em, an` older `n Noah`s flood.
Your Normal schools wun`t turn ye into Normals, for it`s clear,
Ef eddykatin` done the thing, they`d be some skurcer here.
Pickenses, Boggses, Pettuses, Magoffins, Letchers, Polks,--
Where can you scare up names like them among your mudsill folks?
Ther`s nothin` to compare with `em, you`d fin`, ef you should glance,
Among the tip-top femerlies in Englan`, nor in France:
I`ve hearn frum `sponsible men whose word wuz full ez good`s their note,
Men thet can run their face for drinks, an` keep a Sunday coat,      
That they wuz all on `em come down, an` come down pooty fur,
From folks thet, `thout their crowns wuz on, ou` doors wouldn` never stir,
Nor thet ther` warn`t a Southun man but wut wuz _primy fashy_
O` the bes` blood in Europe, yis, an` Afriky an` Ashy:
Sech bein` the case, is `t likely we should bend like cotton wickin`,
Or set down under anythin` so low-lived ez a lickin`?
More `n this,--hain`t we the literatoor an science, tu, by gorry?
Hain`t we them intellectle twins, them giants, Simms an` Maury,
Each with full twice the ushle brains, like nothin` thet I know,
`thout `twuz a double-headed calf I see once to a show?          

For all thet, I warn`t jest at fust in favor o` secedin`;
I wuz for layin` low a spell to find out where `twuz leadin`,
For hevin` South-Carliny try her hand at sepritnationin`,
She takin` resks an` findin` funds, an` we co-operationin`,--
I mean a kin` o` hangin` roun` an` settin` on the fence,
Till Prov`dunce pinted how to jump an` save the most expense;
I recollected thet `ere mine o` lead to Shiraz Centre
Thet bust up Jabez Pettibone, an` didn`t want to ventur`
`Fore I wuz sartin wut come out ud pay for wut went in,
For swappin` silver off for lead ain`t the sure way to win;      
(An`, fact, it _doos_ look now ez though--but folks must live an` larn--
We should git lead, an` more `n we want, out o` the Old Consarn
But when I see a man so wise an` honest ez Buchanan
A-lettin` us hev all the forts an` all the arms an` cannon,
Admittin` we wuz nat`lly right an` you wuz nat`lly wrong,
Coz you wuz lab`rin`-folks an` we wuz wut they call _bong-tong_,
An` coz there warn`t no fight in ye more `n in a mashed potater,
While two o` _us_ can`t skurcely meet but wut we fight by natur`,
An` th` ain`t a bar-room here would pay for openin` on `t a night;
Without it giv the priverlege o` bein` shot at sight,            
Which proves we`re Natur`s noblemen, with whom it don`t surprise
The British aristoxy should feel boun` to sympathize,--
Seein` all this, an` seein`, tu, the thing wuz strikin` roots
While Uncle Sam sot still in hopes thet some one`d bring his boots,
I thought th` ole Union`s hoops wuz off, an` let myself be sucked in
To rise a peg an` jine the crowd thet went for reconstructin`,--
Thet is to hev the pardnership under th` ole name continner
Jest ez it wuz, we drorrin` pay, you findin` bone an` sinner,--
On`y to put it in the bond, an` enter `t in the journals,
Thet you`re the nat`ral rank an` file, an` we the nat`ral kurnels.      

Now this I thought a fees`ble plan, thet `ud work smooth ez grease,
Suitin` the Nineteenth Century an` Upper Ten idees,
An` there I meant to stick, an` so did most o` th` leaders, tu,
Coz we all thought the chance wuz good o` puttin` on it thru;
But Jeff he hit upon a way o` helpin` on us forrard
By bein` unannermous,--a trick you ain`t quite up to, Norrard.
A Baldin hain`t no more `f a chance with them new apple-corers
Than folks`s oppersition views aginst the Ringtail Roarers;
They`ll take `em out on him `bout east,--one canter on a rail
Makes a man feel unannermous ez Jonah in the whale:              
Or ef he`s a slow-moulded cuss thet can`t seem quite t` `gree,
He gits the noose by tellergraph upon the nighes` tree:
Their mission-work with Afrikins hez put `em up, thet`s sartin,
To all the mos` across-lot ways o` preachin` an` convartin`;
I`ll bet my hat th` ain`t nary priest, nor all on `em together;
Thet cairs conviction to the min` like Reveren` Taranfeather;
Why, he sot up with me one night, an` labored to sech purpose,
Thet (ez an owl by daylight `mongst a flock o` teazin` chirpers
Sees clearer `n mud the wickedness o` eatin` little birds)
I see my error an` agreed to shen it arterwurds;                  
An` I should say, (to jedge our folks by facs in my possession,)
Thet three`s Unannermous where one`s a `Riginal Secession;
So it`s a thing you fellers North may safely bet your chink on,
Thet we`re all water-proofed agin th` usurpin` reign o` Lincoln.

Jeff`s _some_. He`s gut another plan thet hez pertic`lar merits,
In givin` things a cheerfle look an` stiffnin` loose-hung sperits;
For while your million papers, wut with lyin` an` discussin`,
Keep folks`s tempers all on eend a-fumin` an` a-fussin`,
A-wondrin` this an` guessin` thet, an` dreadin` every night
The breechin` o` the Univarse`ll break afore it`s light,         
Our papers don`t purtend to print on`y wut Guv`ment choose,
An` thet insures us all to git the very best o` noose:
Jeff hez it of all sorts an` kines, an` sarves it out ez wanted,
So`s`t every man gits wut he likes an` nobody ain`t scanted;
Sometimes it`s vict`ries (they`re `bout all ther` is that`s cheap down here,)
Sometimes it`s France an` England on the jump to interfere.
Fact is, the less the people know o` wut ther` is a-doin`,
The hendier `tis for Guv`ment, sence it henders trouble brewin`;
An` noose is like a shinplaster,--it`s good, ef you believe it,
Or, wut`s all same, the other man thet`s goin` to receive it:     
Ef you`ve a son in th` army, wy, it`s comfortin` to hear
He`ll hev no gretter resk to run than seein` th` in`my`s rear,
Coz, ef an F.F. looks at `em, they ollers break an` run,
Or wilt right down ez debtors will thet stumble on a dun,
(An` this, ef an`thin`, proves the wuth o` proper fem`ly pride,
Fer sech mean shucks ez creditors are all on Lincoln`s side);
Ef I hev scrip thet wun`t go off no more `n a Belgin rifle,
An` read thet it`s at par on `Change, it makes me feel deli`fle;
It`s cheerin`, tu, where every man mus` fortify his bed,
To hear thet Freedom`s the one thing our darkies mos`ly dread,      
An` thet experunce, time `n` agin, to Dixie`s Land hez shown
Ther` `s nothin` like a powder-cask fer a stiddy corner-stone;
Ain`t it ez good ez nuts, when salt is sellin` by the ounce
For its own weight in Treash`ry-bons, (ef bought in small amounts,)
When even whiskey`s gittin` skurce an` sugar can`t be found,
To know thet all the ellerments o` luxury abound?
An` don`t it glorify sal`-pork, to come to understand
It`s wut the Richmon` editors call fatness o` the land!
Nex` thing to knowin` you`re well off is _nut_ to know when y` ain`t;
An` ef Jeff says all`s goin` wal, who`ll ventur` t` say it ain`t?       

This cairn the Constitooshun roun` ez Jeff doos in his hat
Is hendier a dreffle sight, an` comes more kin` o` pat.
I tell ye wut, my jedgment is you`re pooty sure to fail,
Ez long `z the head keeps turnin` back for counsel to the tail:
Th` advantiges of our consarn for bein` prompt air gret,
While, `long o` Congress, you can`t strike, `f you git an iron het;
They bother roun` with argooin`, an` var`ous sorts o` foolin`,
To make sure ef it`s leg`lly het, an` all the while it`s coolin`,
So`s`t when you come to strike, it ain`t no gret to wish ye j`y on,
An` hurts the hammer `z much or more ez wut it doos the iron,      
Jeff don`t allow no jawin`-sprees for three mouths at a stretch,
Knowin` the ears long speeches suits air mostly made to metch;
He jes` ropes in your tonguey chaps an` reg`lar ten-inch bores
An` lets `em play at Congress, ef they`ll du it with closed doors;
So they ain`t no more bothersome than ef we`d took an` sunk `em,
An` yit enj`y th` exclusive right to one another`s Buncombe
`thout doin` nobody no hurt, an` `thout its costin` nothin`,
Their pay bein` jes` Confedrit funds, they findin` keep an` clothin`;
They taste the sweets o` public life, an` plan their little jobs,
An` suck the Treash`ry (no gret harm, for it`s ez dry ez cobs,)      
An` go thru all the motions jest ez safe ez in a prison,
An` hev their business to themselves, while Buregard hez hisn:
Ez long `z he gives the Hessians fits, committees can`t make bother
`bout whether `t`s done the legle way or whether `t`s done tother.
An` _I_ tell _you_ you`ve gut to larn thet War ain`t one long teeter
Betwixt _I wan` to_ an` _`Twun`t du_, debatin` like a skeetur
Afore he lights,--all is, to give the other side a millin`,
An` arter thet`s done, th` ain`t no resk but wut the lor`ll be willin`;
No metter wut the guv`ment is, ez nigh ez I can hit it,
A lickin` `s constitooshunal, pervidin` _We_ don`t git it.     
Jeff don`t stan` dilly-dallyin`, afore he takes a fort,
(With no one in,) to git the leave o` the nex` Soopreme Court,
Nor don`t want forty-`leven weeks o` jawin` an` expoundin`,
To prove a nigger hez a right to save him, ef he`s drowndin`;
Whereas ole Abe `ud sink afore he`d let a darkie boost him,
Ef Taney shouldn`t come along an` hedn`t interdooced him.
It ain`t your twenty millions thet`ll ever block Jeff`s game,
But one Man thet wun`t let `em jog jest ez he`s takin` aim:
Your numbers they may strengthen ye or weaken ye, ez `t heppens
They`re willin` to be helpin` hands or wuss-`n-nothin` cap`ns.     

I`ve chose my side, an` `tain`t no odds ef I wuz drawed with magnets,
Or ef I thought it prudenter to jine the nighes` bagnets;
I`ve made my ch`ice, an` ciphered out, from all I see an` heard,
Th` ole Constitooshun never`d git her decks for action cleared,
Long `z you elect for Congressmen poor shotes thet want to go
Coz they can`t seem to git their grub no otherways than so,
An` let your bes` men stay to home coz they wun`t show ez talkers,
Nor can`t be hired to fool ye an` sof`-soap ye at a caucus,--
Long `z ye set by Rotashun more `n ye do by folks`s merits,      
Ez though experunce thriv by change o` sile, like corn an` kerrits,--
Long `z you allow a critter`s `claims` coz, spite o` shoves an` tippins,
He`s kep` his private pan jest where `twould ketch mos` public
  drippin`s,--
Long `z A.`ll turn tu an` grin` B.`s exe, ef B.`ll help him grin` hisn,
(An` thet`s the main idee by which your leadin` men hev risen,)--
Long `z you let _ary_ exe be groun`, `less `tis to cut the weasan`
O` sneaks thet dunno till they`re told wut is an` wut ain`t Treason,--
Long `z ye give out commissions to a lot o` peddlin` drones
Thet trade in whiskey with their men an` skin `em to their bones,--
Long `z ye sift out `safe` canderdates thet no one ain`t afeared on
Coz they`re so thund`rin` eminent for bein` never heard on,      
An` hain`t no record, ez it`s called, for folks to pick a hole in,
Ez ef it hurt a man to hev a body with a soul in,
An` it wuz ostentashun to be showin` on `t about,
When half his feller-citizens contrive to du without,--
Long `z you suppose your votes can turn biled kebbage into brain,
An` ary man thet`s pop`lar`s fit to drive a lightnin`-train,--
Long `z you believe democracy means _I`m ez good ez you be,_
An` that a feller from the ranks can`t be a knave or booby,--
Long `z Congress seems purvided, like yer street-cars an` yer `busses,
With ollers room for jes` one more o` your spiled-in-bakin`
  cusses,      
Dough `thout the emptins of a soul, an` yit with means about `em
(Like essence-peddlers) thet`ll make folks long to be without `em,
Jes heavy `nough to turn a scale thet`s doubtfle the wrong way,
An` make their nat`ral arsenal o` bein` nasty pay.--
Long `z them things last, (an` _I_ don`t see no gret signs of improvin`,)
I sha`n`t up stakes, not hardly yit, nor `twouldn`t pay for movin`:
For, `fore you lick us, it`ll be the long`st day ever _you_ see.
Yourn, (ez I `xpec` to be nex` spring,)
                                       B., MARKISS O` BIG BOOSY.
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