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James Russell Lowell - Birdofredum Sawin, Esq., To Mr. Hosea Biglow
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It`s some consid`ble of a spell sence I hain`t writ no letters,
An` ther` `s gret changes hez took place in all polit`cle metters:
Some canderdates air dead an` gone, an` some hez ben defeated,
Which `mounts to pooty much the same; fer it`s ben proved repeated
A betch o` bread thet hain`t riz once ain`t goin` to rise agin,
An` it`s jest money throwed away to put the emptins in:
But thet`s wut folks wun`t never larn; they dunno how to go,
Arter you want their room, no more `n a bullet-headed bean;
Ther` `s ollers chaps a-hangin` roun` thet can`t see peatime`s past,
Mis`ble as roosters in a rain, heads down an` tails half-mast:     
It ain`t disgraceful bein` beat, when a holl nation doos it,
But Chance is like an amberill,--it don`t take twice to lose it.

I spose you`re kin` o` cur`ous, now, to know why I hain`t writ.
Wal, I`ve ben where a litt`ry taste don`t somehow seem to git
Th` encouragement a feller`d think, thet`s used to public schools,
An` where sech things ez paper `n` ink air clean agin the rules:
A kind o` vicyvarsy house, built dreffle strong an` stout,
So `s `t honest people can`t get in, ner t`other sort git out.
An` with the winders so contrived, you`d prob`ly like the view
Better alookin` in than out, though it seems sing`lar, tu;     
But then the landlord sets by ye, can`t bear ye out o` sight,
And locks ye up ez reg`lar ez an outside door at night.

This world is awfle contrary: the rope may stretch your neck
Thet mebby kep` another chap frum washin` off a wreck;
An` you may see the taters grow in one poor feller`s patch,
So small no self-respectin` hen thet vallied time `ould scratch,
So small the rot can`t find `em out, an` then agin, nex` door,
Ez big ez wut hogs dream on when they`re `most too fat to snore.
But groutin` ain`t no kin` o` use; an` ef the fust throw fails,
Why, up an` try agin, thet`s all,--the coppers ain`t all tails,     
Though I _hev_ seen `em when I thought they hedn`t no more head
Than `d sarve a nussin` Brigadier thet gits some Ink to shed.

When I writ last, I`d ben turned loose by thet blamed nigger, Pomp,
Ferlorner than a musquash, ef you`d took an` dreened his swamp;
But I ain`t o` the meechin` kind, thet sets an` thinks fer weeks
The bottom`s out o` th` univarse coz their own gillpot leaks.
I hed to cross bayous an` criks, (wal, it did beat all natur`,)
Upon a kin` o` corderoy, fust log, then alligator;
Luck`ly, the critters warn`t sharp-sot; I guess `twuz overruled
They `d done their mornin`s marketin` an` gut their hunger cooled;     
Fer missionaries to the Creeks an` runaways are viewed
By them an` folks ez sent express to be their reg`lar food;
Wutever `twuz, they laid an` snoozed ez peacefully ez sinners,
Meek ez disgestin` deacons be at ordination dinners;
Ef any on `em turned an` snapped, I let `em kin` o` taste
My live-oak leg, an` so, ye see, ther` warn`t no gret o` waste;
Fer they found out in quicker time than ef they`d ben to college
`Twarn`t heartier food than though `twuz made out o` the tree o` knowledge.
But I tell _you_ my other leg hed larned wut pizon-nettle meant,
An` var`ous other usefle things, afore I reached a settlement,     
An` all o` me thet wuzn`t sore an` sendin` prickles thru me
Wuz jest the leg I parted with in lickin` Montezumy:
A useful limb it`s ben to me, an` more of a support
Than wut the other hez ben,--coz I dror my pension for `t.

Wal, I gut in at last where folks wuz civerlized an` white,
Ez I diskivered to my cost afore `twarn`t hardly night;
Fer `z I wuz settin` in the bar a-takin` sunthin` hot,
An` feelin` like a man agin, all over in one spot,
A feller thet sot oppersite, arter a squint at me,
Lep` up an` drawed his peacemaker, an`, `Dash it, Sir,` suz he,     
`I`m doubledashed ef you ain`t him thet stole my yaller chettle,
(You`re all the stranger thet`s around,) so now you`ve gut to settle;
It ain`t no use to argerfy ner try to cut up frisky,
I know ye ez I know the smell of ole chain-lightnin` whiskey;
We`re lor-abidin` folks down here, we`ll fix ye so`s `t a bar
Wouldn` tech ye with a ten-foot pole; (Jedge, you jest warm the tar
You`ll think you`d better ha` gut among a tribe o` Mongrel Tartars,
`fore we`ve done showin` how we raise our Southun prize tar-martyrs;
A moultin` fallen cherubim, ef he should see ye, `d snicker,
Thinkin` he warn`t a suckemstance. Come, genlemun, le` `s liquor;     
An`, Gin`ral, when you`ve mixed the drinks an` chalked `em up, tote roun`
An` see ef ther` `s a feather-bed (thet`s borryable) in town.
We`ll try ye fair, ole Grafted-Leg, an` ef the tar wun`t stick,
Th` ain`t not a juror here but wut`ll `quit ye double-quick,`
To cut it short, I wun`t say sweet, they gi` me a good dip,
(They ain`t _perfessin`_ Bahptists here,) then give the bed a rip,--
The jury`d sot, an` quicker `n a flash they hetched me out, a livin`
Extemp`ry mammoth turkey-chick fer a Fejee Thanksgivin`.
Thet I felt some stuck up is wut it`s nat`ral to suppose,
When poppylar enthusiasm hed funnished me sech clo`es;     
(Ner `tain`t without edvantiges, this kin` o` suit, ye see,
It`s water-proof, an` water`s wut I like kep` out o` me
But nut content with thet, they took a kerridge from the fence
An` rid me roun` to see the place, entirely free `f expense,
With forty-`leven new kines o` sarse without no charge acquainted me,
Gi` me three cheers, an` vowed thet I wuz all their fahncy painted me;
They treated me to all their eggs; (they keep `em I should think,
Fer sech ovations, pooty long, for they wuz mos` distinc`);
They starred me thick `z the Milky-Way with indiscrim`nit cherity,
Fer wut we call reception eggs air sunthin` of a rerity;     
Green ones is plentifle anough, skurce wuth a nigger`s getherin`,
But your dead-ripe ones ranges high fer treatin` Nothun bretherin;
A spotteder, ring-streakeder child the` warn`t in Uncle Sam`s
Holl farm,--a cross of striped pig an` one o` Jacob`s lambs;
`Twuz Dannil in the lions` den, new an` enlarged edition,
An` everythin` fust-rate o` `ts kind; the` warn`t no impersition.
People`s impulsiver down here than wut our folks to home be,
An` kin` o` go it `ith a resh in raisin` Hail Columby:
Thet`s _so:_ an` they swarmed out like bees, for your real Southun men`s
Time isn`t o` much more account than an ole settin` hen`s;     
(They jest work semioccashnally, or else don`t work at all,
An` so their time an` `tention both air at saci`ty`s call.)
Talk about hospatality! wut Nothun town d` ye know
Would take a totle stranger up an` treat him gratis so?
You`d better b`lleve ther` `s nothin` like this spendin` days an` nights
Along `ith a dependent race fer civerlizin` whites.

But this wuz all prelim`nary; it`s so Gran` Jurors here
Fin` a true bill, a hendier way than ourn, an` nut so dear;
So arter this they sentenced me, to make all tight `n` snug,
Afore a reg`lar court o` law, to ten years in the Jug.      
I didn`t make no gret defence: you don`t feel much like speakin`,
When, ef you let your clamshells gape, a quart o` tar will leak in:
I _hev_ hearn tell o` winged words, but pint o` fact it tethers
The spoutin` gift to hev your words _tu_ thick sot on with feathers,
An` Choate ner Webster wouldn`t ha` made an A  kin` o` speech
Astride a Southun chestnut horse sharper `n a baby`s screech.
Two year ago they ketched the thief, `n` seein` I wuz innercent,
They jest uncorked an` le` me run, an` in my stid the sinner sent
To see how _he_ liked pork `n` pone flavored with wa`nut saplin`,
An` nary social priv`ledge but a one-hoss, starn-wheel chaplin.      
When I come out, the folks behaved mos` gen`manly an` harnsome;
They `lowed it wouldn`t be more `n right, ef I should cuss `n` darn some:
The Cunnle he apolergized; suz he, `I`ll du wut`s right,
I`ll give ye settisfection now by shootin` ye at sight,
An` give the nigger (when he`s caught), to pay him fer his trickin`
In gittin` the wrong man took up, a most H fired lickin`,--
It`s jest the way with all on `em, the inconsistent critters,
They`re `most enough to make a man blaspheme his mornin` bitters;
I`ll be your frien` thru thick an` thin an` in all kines o` weathers,
An` all you`ll hev to pay fer`s jest the waste o` tar an` feathers:     
A lady owned the bed, ye see, a widder, tu, Miss Shennon;
It wuz her mite; we would ha` took another, ef ther` `d ben one:
We don`t make _no_ charge for the ride an` all the other fixins.
Le` `s liquor; Gin`ral, you can chalk our friend for all the mixins.`
A meetin` then wuz called, where they `RESOLVED, Thet we respec`
B.S. Esquire for quallerties o` heart an` intellec`
Peculiar to Columby`s sile, an` not to no one else`s,
Thet makes European tyrans scringe in all their gilded pel`ces,
An` doos gret honor to our race an` Southun institootions:`
(I give ye jest the substance o` the leadin` resolootions     
`RESOLVED, Thet we revere In him a soger `thout a flor,
A martyr to the princerples o` libbaty an` lor:
RESOLVED, Thet other nations all, ef sot `longside o` us,
For vartoo, larnin`, chivverlry, ain`t noways wuth a cuss.`
They got up a subscription, tu, but no gret come o` _thet;_
I `xpect in cairin` of it roun` they took a leaky hat;
Though Southun genelmun ain`t slow at puttin` down their name,
(When they can write,) fer in the eend it comes to jes` the same,
Because, ye see, `t `s the fashion here to sign an` not to think
A critter`d be so sordid ez to ax `em for the chink:     
I didn`t call but jest on one, an` _he_ drawed tooth-pick on me,
An` reckoned he warn`t goin` to stan` no sech dog-gauned econ`my:
So nothin` more wuz realized, `ceptin` the good-will shown,
Than ef `t had ben from fust to last a regular Cotton Loan.
It`s a good way, though, come to think, coz ye enjy the sense
O` lendin` lib`rally to the Lord, an` nary red o` `xpense:
Sence then I`ve gut my name up for a gin`rous-hearted man
By jes` subscribin` right an` left on this high-minded plan;
I`ve gin away my thousans so to every Southun sort
O` missions, colleges, an` sech, ner ain`t no poorer for `t.     

I warn`t so bad off, arter all; I needn`t hardly mention
That Guv`ment owed me quite a pile for my arrears o` pension,--
I mean the poor, weak thing we _hed:_ we run a new one now,
Thet strings a feller with a claim up ta the nighes` bough,
An` _prectises_ the rights o` man, purtects down-trodden debtors,
Ner wun`t hev creditors about ascrougin` o` their betters:
Jeff`s gut the last idees ther` is, poscrip`, fourteenth edition,
He knows it takes some enterprise to run an oppersition;
Ourn`s the fust thru-by-daylight train, with all ou`doors for deepot;
Yourn goes so slow you`d think `twuz drawed by a las` cent`ry teapot;--    
Wal, I gut all on `t paid in gold afore our State seceded,
An` done wal, for Confed`rit bonds warn`t jest the cheese I needed:
Nut but wut they`re ez _good_ ez gold, but then it`s hard a-breakin` on `em,
An` ignorant folks is ollers sot an` wun`t git used to takin` on `em;
They`re wuth ez much ez wut they wuz afore ole Mem`nger signed `em,
An` go off middlin` wal for drinks, when ther` `s a knife behind `em;
We _du_ miss silver, jes` fer thet an` ridin` in a bus,
Now we`ve shook off the desputs thet wuz suckin` at our pus;
An` it`s _because_ the South`s so rich; `twuz nat`ral to expec`
Supplies o` change wuz jes` the things we shouldn`t recollec`;       
We`d ough` to ha` thought aforehan`, though, o` thet good rule o` Crockett`s,
For `t `s tiresome cairin` cotton-bales an` niggers in your pockets,
Ner `tain`t quite hendy to pass off one o` your six-foot Guineas
An` git your halves an` quarters back in gals an` pickaninnies:
Wal, `tain`t quite all a feller`d ax, but then ther`s this to say,
It`s on`y jest among ourselves thet we expec` to pay;
Our system would ha` caird us thru in any Bible cent`ry,
`fore this onscripterl plan come up o` books by double entry;
We go the patriarkle here out o` all sight an` hearin`,
For Jacob warn`t a suckemstance to Jeff at financierin`;       
_He_ never`d thought o` borryin` from Esau like all nater
An` then cornfiscatin` all debts to sech a small pertater;
There`s p`litickle econ`my, now, combined `ith morril beauty
Thet saycrifices privit eends (your in`my`s, tu) to dooty!
Wy, Jeff `d ha` gin him five an` won his eye-teeth `fore he knowed it,
An`, stid o` wastin` pottage, he`d ha` eat it up an` owed it.
But I wuz goin` on to say how I come here to dwall;--
`Nough said, thet, arter lookin` roun`, I liked the place so wal,
Where niggers doos a double good, with us atop to stiddy `em,
By bein` proofs o` prophecy an` suckleatin` medium,     
Where a man`s sunthin` coz he`s white, an` whiskey`s cheap ez fleas,
An` the financial pollercy jes` sooted my idees,
Thet I friz down right where I wuz, merried the Widder Shennon,
(Her thirds wuz part in cotton-land, part in the curse o` Canaan,)
An` here I be ez lively ez a chipmunk on a wall,
With nothin` to feel riled about much later `n Eddam`s fall.

Ez fur ez human foresight goes, we made an even trade:
She gut an overseer, an` I a fem`ly ready-made,
The youngest on `em `s `mos` growed up, rugged an` spry ez weazles,
So `s `t ther` `s no resk o` doctors` bills fer hoopin`-cough an` measles.
Our farm`s at Turkey-Buzzard Roost, Little Big Boosy River,     
Wal located in all respex,--fer `tain`t the chills `n` fever
Thet makes my writin` seem to squirm; a Southuner`d allow I`d
Some call to shake, for I`ve jest hed to meller a new cowhide.
Miss S. is all `f a lady; th` ain`t no better on Big Boosy
Ner one with more accomplishmunts `twist here an` Tuscaloosy;
She`s an F.F., the tallest kind, an` prouder `n the Gran` Turk,
An` never hed a relative thet done a stroke o` work;
Hern ain`t a scrimpin` fem`ly sech ez _you_ git up Down East,
Th` ain`t a growed member on `t but owes his thousuns et the least:
She _is_ some old; but then agin ther` `s drawbacks in my sheer:     
Wut`s left o` me ain`t more `n enough to make a Brigadier:
Wust is, thet she hez tantrums; she`s like Seth Moody`s gun
(Him thet wuz nicknamed from his limp Ole Dot an` Kerry One);
He`d left her loaded up a spell, an` hed to git her clear,
So he onhitched,--Jeerusalem! the middle o` last year
Wuz right nex` door compared to where she kicked the critter tu
(Though _jest_ where he brought up wuz wut no human never knew);
His brother Asaph picked her up an` tied her to a tree,
An` then she kicked an hour `n` a half afore she`d let it be:     
Wal, Miss S. _doos_ hev cuttins-up an` pourins-out o` vials,
But then she hez her widder`s thirds, an` all on us hez trials.
My objec`, though, in writin` now warn`t to allude to sech,
But to another suckemstance more dellykit to tech,--
I want thet you should grad`lly break my merriage to Jerushy,
An` there`s a heap of argymunts thet`s emple to indooce ye:
Fust place, State`s Prison,--wal, it`s true it warn`t fer crime, o` course,
But then it`s jest the same fer her in gittin` a disvorce;
Nex` place, my State`s secedin` out hez leg`lly lef` me free
To merry any one I please, pervidin` it`s a she;     
Fin`lly, I never wun`t come back, she needn`t hev no fear on `t,
But then it`s wal to fix things right fer fear Miss S. should hear on `t;
Lastly, I`ve gut religion South, an` Rushy she`s a pagan
Thet sets by th` graven imiges o` the gret Nothun Dagon;
(Now I hain`t seen one in six munts, for, sence our Treashry Loan,
Though yaller boys is thick anough, eagles hez kind o` flown
An` ef J wants a stronger pint than them thet I hev stated,
Wy, she`s an aliun in`my now, an` I`ve been cornfiscated,--
For sence we`ve entered on th` estate o` the late nayshnul eagle,
She hain`t no kin` o` right but jes` wut I allow ez legle:     
Wut _doos_ Secedin` mean, ef `tain`t thet nat`rul rights hez riz, `n`
Thet wut is mine`s my own, but wut`s another man`s ain`t his`n?

Besides, I couldn`t do no else; Miss S. suz she to me,
`You`ve sheered my bed,` [thet`s when I paid my interduction fee
To Southun rites,] `an` kep` your sheer,` [wal, I allow it sticked
So `s `t I wuz most six weeks in jail afore I gut me picked,]
`Ner never paid no demmiges; but thet wun`t do no harm,
Pervidin` thet you`ll ondertake to oversee the farm;
(My eldes` boy he`s so took up, wut with the Ringtail Rangers
An` settin` in the Jestice-Court for welcomin` o` strangers;`)     
[He sot on _me;_] `an` so, ef you`ll jest ondertake the care
Upon a mod`rit sellery, we`ll up an` call it square;
But ef you _can`t_ conclude,` suz she, an` give a kin` o` grin,
`Wy, the Gran` Jurymen, I `xpect, `ll hev to set agin.`
That`s the way metters stood at fust; now wut wuz I to du,
But jes` to make the best on `t an` off coat an` buckle tu?
Ther` ain`t a livin` man thet finds an income necessarier
Than me,--bimeby I`ll tell ye how I fin`lly come to merry her.
She hed another motive, tu: I mention of it here
T` encourage lads thet`s growin` up to study `n` persevere,    
An` show `em how much better `t pays to mind their winter-schoolin`
Than to go off on benders `n` sech, an` waste their time in foolin`;
Ef `twarn`t for studyin` evenins, why, I never `d ha` ben here
A orn`ment o` saciety, in my approprut spear:
She wanted somebody, ye see, o` taste an` cultivation,
To talk along o` preachers when they stopt to the plantation;
For folks in Dixie th`t read an` rite, onless it is by jarks,
Is skurce ez wut they wuz among th` origenle patriarchs;
To fit a feller f` wut they call the soshle higherarchy,
All thet you`ve gut to know is jes` beyond an evrage darky;    
Schoolin` `s wut they can`t seem to stan`, they `re tu consarned high-pressure,
An` knowin` t` much might spile a boy for hem` a Secesher.
We hain`t no settled preachin` here, ner ministeril taxes;
The min`ster`s only settlement`s the carpet-bag he packs his
Razor an` soap-brush intu, with his hym-book an` his Bible,--
But they _du_ preach, I swan to man, it`s puf`kly indescrib`le!
They go it like an Ericsson`s ten-hoss-power coleric ingine,
An` make Ole Split-Foot winch an` squirm, for all he`s used to singein`;
Hawkins`s whetstone ain`t a pinch o` primin` to the innards
To hearin` on `em put free grace t` a lot o` tough old sinhards!   
But I must eend this letter now: `fore long I`ll send a fresh un;
I`ve lots o` things to write about, perticklerly Seceshun:
I`m called off now to mission-work, to let a leetle law in
To Cynthy`s hide: an` so, till death,
                                    Yourn,
                                          BIRDOFREDUM SAWIN.
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