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James Russell Lowell - The Candidate`s Creed
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I du believe in Freedom`s cause,
Ez fur away ez Paris is;
I love to see her stick her claws
In them infarnal Pharisees;
It`s wal enough agin a king
To dror resolves and triggers,—
But libbaty`s a kind o` thing
Thet don`t agree with niggers.

I du believe the people want
A tax on teas and coffees,
Thet nothin` aint extravygunt,—
Purvidin` I`m in office;
For I hev loved my country sence
My eye-teeth filled their sockets,
An` Uncle Sam I reverence,
Partic`larly his pockets.

I du believe in ANY plan
O` levyin` the taxes,
Ez long ez, like a lumberman,
I git jest wut I axes:
I go free-trade thru thick an` thin,
Because it kind o` rouses
The folks to vote—and keep us in
Our quiet custom-houses.

I du believe it`s wise an` good
To sen` out furrin missions,
Thet is, on sartin understood
An` orthydox conditions;—
I mean nine thousan` dolls. per ann.,
Nine thousan` more fer outfit,
An` me to recommend a man
The place `ould jest about fit.

I du believe in special ways
O` prayin` an` convartin`;
The bread comes back in many days,
An` buttered, tu, fer sartin;—
I mean in preyin` till one busts
On wut the party chooses,
An` in convartin` public trusts
To very privit uses.

I do believe hard coin the stuff
Fer `lectioneers to spout on;
The people`s ollers soft enough
To make hard money out on;
Dear Uncle Sam pervides fer his,
An` gives a good-sized junk to all—
I don`t care HOW hard money is,
Ez long ez mine`s paid punctooal.

I du believe with all my soul
In the gret Press`s freedom,
To pint the people to the goal
An` in the traces lead `em:
Palsied the arm thet forges yokes
At my fat contracts squintin`,
An` wilhered be the nose thet pokes
Inter the gov`ment printin`!

I du believe thet I should give
Wut`s his`n unto Caesar,
Fer it`s by him I move an` live,
From him my bread an` cheese air
I du believe thet all o` me
Doth bear his souperscription,—
Will, conscience, honor, honesty,
An` things o` thet description.

I du believe in prayer an` praise
To him thet hez the grantin`
O` jobs—in every thin` thet pays,
But most of all in CANTIN`;
This doth my cup with marcies fill,
This lays all thought o` sin to rest—
I DON`T believe in princerple,
But, O, I DU in interest.

I du believe in bein` this
Or thet, ez it may happen
One way, or t` other hendiest is
To ketch the people nappin`;
It aint by princerples nor men
My preudent course is steadied—
I scent wich pays the best, an` then
Go into it baldheaded.

I du believe thet holdin` slaves
Comes nat`ral tu a President,
Let `lone the rowdedow it saves
To have a wal-broke precedunt;
Fer any office, small or gret,
I could`nt ax with no face,
Without I`d been, thru dry an` wet,
The unrizziest kind o` doughface.

I du believe wutever trash
`ll keep the people in blindness,—
Thet we the Mexicans can thrash
Right inter brotherly kindness—
Thet bombshells, grape, an` powder `n` ball
Air good-will`s strongest magnets—
Thet peace, to make it stick at all,
Must be druv in with bagnets.

In short, I firmly du believe
In Humbug generally,
Fer it`s a thing thet I perceive
To hev a solid vally;
This heth my faithful shepherd ben,
In pasturs sweet heth led me,
An` this`ll keep the people green
To feed ez they have fed me.
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