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John Keats - Ben Nevis: A Dialogue
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There was one Mrs. Cameron of 50 years of age and the fattest woman in all Inverness-shire who got up this Mountain some few years ago -- true she had her servants -- but then she had her self.  She ought to have hired Sisyphus, -- "Up the high hill he heaves a huge round -- Mrs. Cameron." `Tis said a little conversation took place between the mountain and the Lady. After taking a glass of W[h]iskey as she was tolerably seated at ease she thus began --

Mrs. C.
Upon my Life Sir Nevis I am pique`d 
That I have so far panted tugg`d and reek`d
To do an honour to your old bald pate
And now am sitting on you just to bate,
Without your paying me one compliment.
Alas `tis so with all, when our intent
Is plain, and in the eye of all Mankind
We fair ones show a preference, too blind!
You Gentle man immediately turn tail -- 
O let me then my hapless fate bewail!
Ungrateful Baldpate have I not disdain`d
The pleasant Valleys -- have I not madbrain`d
Deserted all my Pickles and preserves
My China closet too -- with wretched Nerves
To boot -- say wretched ingrate have I not
Le[f]t my soft cushion chair and caudle pot.
`Tis true I had no corns -- no! thank the fates
My Shoemaker was always Mr. Bates.
And if not Mr. Bates why I`m not old!
Still dumb ungrateful Nevis -- still so cold!

Here the Lady took some more w[h]iskey and was putting even more to her lips when she dashed [it] to the Ground for the Mountain began to grumble -- which continued for a few minutes before he thus began, 

Ben Nevis.
What whining bit of tongue and Mouth thus dares
Disturb my slumber of a thousand years?
Even so long my sleep has been secure --
And to be so awakened I`ll not endure.
Oh pain -- for since the Eagle`s earliest scream
I`ve had a dam[n]`d confounded ugly dream,
A Nightmare sure.  What Madam was it you?
It cannot be!  My old eyes are not true!
Red-Crag, my Spectacles!  Now let me see!
Good Heavens Lady how the gemini
Did you get here?  O I shall split my sides!
I shall earthquake -----

Mrs. C.
Sweet Nevis do not quake, for though I love
You[r] honest Countenance all things above
Truly I should not like to be convey`d 
So far into your Bosom -- gentle Maid 
Loves not too rough a treatment gentle Sir --
Pray thee be calm and do not quake nor stir 
No not a Stone or I shall go in fits--

Ben Nevis.
I must -- I shall -- I meet not such tid bits --
I meet not such sweet creatures every day --
By my old night cap night cap night and day 
I must have one sweet Buss -- I must and shall:
Red Crag! -- What Madam can you then repent
Of all the toil and vigour you have spent
To see Ben Nevis and to touch his nose?
Red Crag I say!  O I must have them close!
Red Crag, there lies beneath my farthest toe
A vein of Sulphur -- go dear Red Crag, go--
And rub your flinty back against it -- budge!
Dear Madam I must kiss you, faith I must!
I must Embrace you with my dearest gust!
Block-head, d`ye hear -- Block-head I`ll make her feel
There lies beneath my east leg`s northern heel
A cave of young earth dragons -- well my boy 
Go thither quick and so complete my joy
Take you a bundle of the largest pines
And when the sun on fiercest Phosphor shines
Fire them and ram them in the Dragon`s nest -- 
Then will the dragons fry and fizz their best
Until ten thousand now no bigger than
Poor Al[l]igators -- poor things of one span --
Will each one swell to twice ten times the size
Of northern whale -- then for the tender prize -- 
The moment then -- for then will Red Crag rub
His flinty back -- and I shall kiss and snub
And press my dainty morsel to my breast.
Block-head make haste!
			O Muses weep the rest --
The Lady fainted and he thought her dead
So pulled the clouds again about his head
And went to sleep again -- soon she was rous`d
By her affrighted servants -- next day hous`d
Safe on the lowly ground she bless`d her fate
That fainting fit was not delayed too late.

But what surprises me above all is how this Lady got down again.
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