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William Henry Drummond - Twins
Work rating: Low

I congratulate ye, Francis,
    And more power to yer wife--
  An` from Montreal to Kansas,
    I could safely bet my life
  Ye wor proud enough, I hould ye--
    Runnin` with the safety pins
  Whin ould Mrs. Dolan tould ye,
    "Milia murther! she has twins!"

  Ye might kill me without warnin`--
    Lay me out there on the shelf--
  For a sight of ye that mornin`,
    Throwin` bookays at yerself!
  Faix! ye thought ye had a cinch there,
    An` begob! so well ye might,
  For not even with the Frinch there,
    Twins like thim come every night!

  Francis, aisy now an` listen
    To yer mother`s brother James--
  Whin the twins ye go to christen,
    Don`t ye give thim fancy names--
  Irene--Edith--Gladys--Mavis--
    Cecil Rhodes an` Percival--
  If it’s names like that, Lord save us!
    Don`t live close to the canal!

  Michael Whalen of St. Lambert
    Had a boy some years ago--
  Called him Clarence Montizambert--
    Where he got it I dunno--
  Monty used to have a brother
    (_He_ was Marmaduke Fitzjames),
  Killed himself some way or other
    Thryin` to pronounce his names!

  Bet was three times in a minute,
    An` he thrained hard for the same,
  But the lad was never in it--
    Tho` they tell me he died game!
  Well, sir!--Monty grew the height of
    Fin McCool or Brian Boru--
  Truth I’m tellin`, but in spite of
    Ev`rything poor Mike could do--

  Divil a dacint situation
    Monty got, but dhrive a hack,
  At the Bonaventure station--
    `T was the name that kept him back--
  Till his friend, John Reilly, tould him,
    "Change the haythen name for Pat--"
  Pathrick Joseph--now behould him
    Walkin` dillygate! think o` that!
  So be careful, Master Francis,
    An` ye`ll bless yer uncle James--
  Don`t be takin` any chances
    With thim God-forsaken names!
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