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Marriott Edgar - Marksman Sam
Work rating: Medium

When Sam Small joined the regiment,
`E were no` but a raw recruit,
And they marched `im away one wint`ry day,
`Is musket course to shoot.

They woke `im up at the crack o` dawn,
Wi` many a nudge and shake,
`E were dreaming that t` Sergeant `ad broke `is neck,
And `e didn`t want to wake.

Lieutenant Bird came on parade,
And chided the lads for mooning,
`E talked in a voice like a pound o` plums,
`Is tonsils needed pruning.

"Move to the right by fours," he said,
Crisp like but most severe,
But Sam didn`t know `is right from `is left,
So pretended `e didn`t `ear.

Said Lieutenant, "Sergeant, take this man`s name."
The Sergeant took out `is pencil,
`E were getting ashamed o` taking Sam`s name,
And were thinking o` cutting a stencil.

Sam carried a musket, a knapsack and coat,
Spare boots that `e`d managed to wangle,
A `atchet, a spade… in fact, as Sam said,
`E`d got everything bar t`kitchen mangle.

"March easy men," Lieutenant cried,
As the musket range grew near,
"March easy me blushing Aunt Fanny," said Sam,
"What a chance with all this `ere."

When they told `im to fire at five `undred yards,
Sam nearly `ad a fit,
For a six foot wall, or the Albert `All,
Were all `e were likely to `it.

`E`d fitted a cork in `is musket end,
To keep `is powder dry,
And `e didn`t remember to take it out,
The first time `e let fly.

`Is gun went off with a kind o` pop,
Where `is bullet went no-one knew,
But next day they spoke of a tinker`s moke,
Being killed by a cork… in Crewe.

At three `undred yards, Sam shut `is eyes,
And took a careful aim,
`E failed to score but the marker swore,
And walked away quite lame.

At two `undred yards, Sam fired so wild,
That the Sergeant feared for `is skin,
And the lads all cleared int` t` neighbouring field,
And started to dig `emselves in.

"Ooh, Sergeant! I hear a scraping noise,"
Said Sam, "What can it be?"
The noise that `e `eard were lieutenant Bird,
`Oo were climbing the nearest tree.

"Ooh, Sergeant!" said Sam, "I`ve `it the bull!
What price my shooting now?"
Said the Sergeant, "A bull? Yer gormless fool,
Yon isn`t a bull… it`s a cow!"

At fifty yards `is musket kicked,
And went off with a noise like a blizzard,
And down came a crow looking fair surprised,
With a ram-rod through `is gizzard.

As `e loaded `is musket to fire agen,
Said the Sergeant, "Don`t waste shot!
Yer`d best fix bayonets and charge, my lad,
It`s the only chance yer`ve got.

Sam kept loading `is gun while the Sergeant spoke,
Till the bullets peeped out of the muzzle,
When all of a sudden it went off bang!
What made it go were a puzzle.

The bullets flew out in a kind of a spray,
And everything round got peppered,
When they counted `is score… `e`d got eight bulls eyes,
Four magpies, two lambs and a shepherd.

And the Sergeant for this got a D.C.M.
And the Colonel an O.B.E.
Lieutenant Bird got the D.S.O.
And Sam got… five days C.B.
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