---

C J Dennis - The Invalid
Work rating: Low

The pale young man he comes to me,
   An` chats me good an` fair;
"The langwidge that you use," ses he,
   "Pollutes the good, clean air.
Why don`t yeh chuck sich silly rot,
An` line-up with the Clean Lip lot?"


But, square `n` all, I got no use
   For them poor, shrinkin` guys,
Who, at the sound of coves` abuse,
   Turn pale, an` rolls their eyes.
To use the fancy swears I hear
Comes natural as sinking beer.


Beef an` blood-gravy`s fightin` food,
   Not milk; but, all the same,
I come to see there ain`t no good
   In this crook-landwidge game.
An` so a little vow I made,
An` joined their swell Clean Lip Brigade.


`Twas `ard!  But sternly I pursoo`d
   Me course; an` wore a frown
Thro` swallerin` me speech unchewed,
   An` chokin` curse-words down.
Oh, dear!  It was a dreadful stunt!
Then, gracious me, I hit the Front!


A feller in the firin` line,
   Tied up with sich a gag,
Who has to curse by look an` sign,
   He fair gets out the rag.
An` so, I ses, each time I shoots,
"I`ll teach you, you - you - you - you broots!"


I don`t care wot the goodies say,
   It`s cruel fightin` dumb!
To curse a bit, once in a way,
   Relieves yer feelin`s some.
I kills four men in fair, clean fight,
An` seven extra out er spite.


An` then there come the bay`nit charge.
   The blokes to left an` right
They all was cursin` fine and large,
   But I keep mum, an` fight.
I plunks a square-`ead in the wind -
"Annoying fellow; there!" I grinned.


With that a great, big `ulking chap,
   Comes at me with a sword
(The thing I need in that scrap
   Was just one little word).
"Haw!  You - you person," I begun;
But while I talks, he gets in one.


Far in the chest I gets that swipe,
   An` crumbles in a heap.
An` starts to think the time is ripe
   To `ave a long, deep sleep.
"You are intensely rude," I said -
An` so they leaves there for dead.


They invaleeds me `ome, although
   The wound gives me no cares.
The cause of my complaint,  know,
   Was bottlin` up me swears -
Congestion of me "Damn" denied:
It made me feel all swelled inside.


The pale young man he comes to me.
   "Ah, friend," he says, "how now?
Your lips are clean, I`m pleased to see,
   An` you `ave kep` your vow!"
"Me lips is bonzer," I replied.
"But, `struth, me throat is scarified!"
Source
The script ran 0.001 seconds.