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C J Dennis - The Bar-Room Patriot
Work rating: Low

Why, `ow`s she goin`, Bill, ole sport?
   I thort I knoo your dile!
My oath!  You look the proper sort!
   That khaki soots your style.
I never `eard you`d joined, yeh know -
It makes me feel I want to go.

Must be a year or more, I s`pose,
   Since last time we two met!
An` then, to see you in them clothes -
   Can`t realise it yet!
I`m proud to think a friend o` mine
Is off to biff the German swine!

You look slap-up in that rig-out.
   We ort to celebrate -
I fell it`s up to me to shout!
   But - can`t be done, ole mate!
For I `ave took a solemn vow
I never shout for soldiers now.

No, Bill; you mustn`t take offence;
   You`ll undertsand, I thnk.
I`ve come to see there ain`t no sense
   In buyin` soldiers drink.
I loves me country an` me king;
An` boozin` soldiers ain`t the thing.

An` yet it`s sich a time ago
   Since you an` me `ave met,
It`s sorter `ard to let you go
   Without one little wet.
Say, come in `ere, an` you can take 
A soft`un, jist fer ole time`s sake.

Well, Bill - `ere MIss!  Don`t you attend
   To customers in `ere?
A lime-an`-soder fer me friend:
   And` mine`s a long, cool beer.
Ah, Bill, you stick to that soft stuff;
Chuck booze, an` you`ll be right enough.

Well, `ere`s a go!...My oath, that`s goo!
   Bets beer I`ve `ad to-day....
Yes, Bill, I `olds no soldier should
   Drink all `is brains away.
I`m patriotic, that I am;
To fight on beer ain`t worth a damn.

Now, Bill, look `ere, you take my tip -
   I know that German lot -
An`, when you meet `em, let `er rip.
   An` prod `em in the - wot?
Well, jist one more.  Mine`s beer thish time.
An` bill, ole frien`, you shtick to lime.

`Ere`s joy!...Wot was I sayin`?  Oh!
   Them Germans allush funk
The bay`nit.  Take my tip, an` go
   Fair for their stummicks - plunk!
Jist stick `em in the - `Ere, Miss, `ere!
Give `im the soft one!  Mine`s the beer.

See, Miss, I don`t booze sojers now.
   They shouldn`t drink the stuff!
Me conshuns, Miss, it won`t allow -
   `Right, Bill; don`t cut up rough.
I`m proud to let the ole bar `ear
I wouldn`t buy no sojers beer.

I wouldn`t buy no cursed drink
   Fer any fightin` bloke!
Wot?  Torkin` loud?  Well, do yeh think
   I`m `shamed o` wot I shpoke?
I stansh on principle, by Gosh!
`Ere, `ave anurrer lemin squash.

Oh, yesh; I`ve `ad a few ter-day.
   Thish makes - eighteen er so.
But I don`t `ave to go away
   To fight no rotten foe!
Go fer their stummichsk, Bill, ole man!
Jist prod `em - why, `ello!  `Ere`s Dan!

`Ave one wi` ush, Dan.  Yoush a beer?
   Yes, mine`sh a - wot-o, Jim!
Lesh innerjooce my cobber `ere -
   I`m buyin` squash fer `im.
`E`s sojer....Took a solemn vow:
I don`t - (hic) - shoush fer soljersh now.

 I jist been tellin` soljer frien`
   Them Germans got no - whash?
Orright, Dan: mine`s a beer agen.
   Me friend `ere`sh drinkin` sqauash.
Yeh mustn`t buy no beer fer `im -
Unpa`ri - (hic) -.  Whash you think, Jim?

It `urts me feelin`s, all er same.
   Bill`sh `listed!....Orful sad!....
Pore bill!  That fightin`sh rotten game.
   Go fer their stummicksh, lad!
Sharge wisher bay`nit, ev`ry time!
An` take my tip - you shtick ter lime!
`Ere`sh to Aushtralier, ev`ry time!
   I doesh my lirrle bit
Be buyin` only squash `n` lime
   To keep er soljersh fit.
Fine, pa`ri-otic effort.  Wot?
`Ere`s to er blockesh wash gettin` shot!

Aw, I kin shtan` annurrer, Jim.
   Yesh, mine`s a long, wet beer.
But don`t you buy no beer fer `im,
   `N` get `im on `is ear!
I never shoush fer sojersh now.
Unpari-pari - sholum vow!

Wash sayin`, Bill?  Wash `at I `ear?
   Yeh don`t want me ter shout?
You been teeto`ler fer a year!
   Well, `ash a fair knock-out!
You mean er shay...lemme buy lime,
Wile you....injoyed it all er time!

You mean er shay you thort it ni-esh
   To take yer ole pal in?
You lemme make self-sacrifi`esh,
   Wile you stan` there an` grin!
Wash?  Goin`, ie `e?  let `im go!
Ni`esh sorter bloke ter fighter foe!

I wouldn`t shoush fer sojersh now -
   Not fer a million poun`!
I bought `im lemon-squash, ther cow,
   And then `e takesh me down!
Go fer the`r stummiscksh?  `Im?  No fear!
Down wish er Kaiser!  Mine`sh a beer.
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