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C J Dennis - The Automatic Umpire
Work rating: Low

Now, Plugger Palook was a man in a thousand --
   (Said Horace the Howler) not one of yer fools.
But his barrackers vowed that he wasn`t allowed
   Full scope for his talents account o` the rools.
For Plugger Palook was a footballer.  Get me?
   An` one of the old-school.  A wonder!  A wow!
He was no lily-handed gazook to be branded
   No sort of weaklin`.  Not Plugger; no how.
 
Not much of a kicker -- not so you would notice --
   His handball an` passin` left much to desire;
A dub at high-markin`, his business was narkin`
   An` knocking out umpires wot rose up his ire.
He`d done in a dozen first half of the season,
   But the depth of officials you never can tell.
Now, a shortage they`re fearin`; so, Plugger, not hearin`,
   They goes an puts in a serlenium cell!
 
The dawgs!  Plugger starts in the very first quarter
   An` gets a bit rough`ouse in makin` things hot
When the cells says, "Now, Plugger!  You ain`t playin` rugger
   Let up on them larrups."  An` Plugger says, WOT!!"
`Twas the first time in years than an umpire had cheeked him;
   So Plugger lets out a sockdollager crack.
There`s a flash an` a sizzle; then he does a mizzle
   And lands out-o`-bounds on the broad of his back.
 
Well I`ll say he was game, tho` a good bit bewildered,
   For he comes back again when he finds he is whole.
Then he tries for to tackle, but soars with a crackle,
   Up, clean thro` the posts; an` the crowd it roars, "Goal!"...
An` the heads calls that football! (said Horace the Howler)
   Deep pity for him in me proud heart it wells.
A champion world-beater!  A reel umpire eater!
   Done in an` disgraced by serlenium cells!
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