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C J Dennis - `Stone the Crows`
Work rating: Low

"Why stone the crows!" `e sez.  "I like `er style,
   But alwiz, some`ow, women `ave appeared
Set fer to `old me orf a `arf a mile.
   I dunno wot`s agin me: p`raps me beard.
But, some`ow, when I speak `em soft they run.
I ain`t no ladies` man," sez Danny Dunn.

"I like `er style," `e sez.  "Wot`s `er name?  Rose.
   The neatest filly that I ever see.
She`d run in double splendid.  But I s`pose,
   She`d never `arness with the likes uv me.
Wot age you tell me?  Risin` twenty-nine?
Well, stone the flamin` crows!  She`d do me fine.

"I wonder can she milk?  Don`t look that kind.
   But even if she don`t I would n`t care --
Not much.  Stone all the crows!  I`d `arf a mind
   To `ave a shave an` `ang me `at up there.
But I ain`t got the knack uv it, yeh know,
Or I`d been spliced this twenty year ago."

Ole Danny Dunn `as been to pay `is call
   An` tell us `e`ll be settlin` down `ere soon.
`E lobbed in on us sudden, ziff an` all,
   An` ain`t done nothin` all the afternoon
But lap up tea an` stare pop-eyed at Rose,
`E ain`t said nothin` much but "Stone the crows!"

Now, as I sees `im orf, down by the gate,
   `E`s chirpin` love-songs like a nestin` thrush.
Rose `as `im by the w`iskers, sure as fate;
   Fer Spring `as sent `im soft all uv a rush.
`E`s got the beans; an` so she`s fixed fer life,
If Danny`s game to arst `er fer `is wife.

An` so me scheme works out all on its own.
   I grabbed the notion that day in the train,
When Danny tole me that `e lived alone.
   I reckoned, then, I`d `ave to use me brain;
But `ere `e is, stonin` the crows a treat,
An` keen to sling is pile at Rose`s feet.

I`ll show `em!  Them `oo thinks I got no brains
   Will crash when Rose is Mrs. Danny Dunn.
Doreen don`t need to go to too much pains
   To show me that she thinks I`ve nex` to none,
When I take on a job I don`t let go
Until I`ve fixed it, all sirgarneo.

"Listen," sez Danny.  "Do yeh think a man
   `As any chance?  I know I don`t dress neat."
"Sling it!" I sez.  "Don`t be a also-ran.
   Go in bald-`eaded!  Rush `er orf `er feet!
They don`t know wot they want: women ain`t got
No minds, till some strong man shows wot is wot.

"I`ll `elp," I tells `im, "if you play the game.
   Don`t give `er time to think.  Take `er be storm.
Many`s the lover`s bowed `is `ead in shame
   Becoz `e was afraid to woo too warm.
Be masterful!  Show `er `oo`s boss!  `Ave grit!
That`s wot I done, an` come `ome on the bit.

"Look at me now.  I got a wife wot `eeds
   My lightest wish.  Uv course, I ain`t unkind;
But I`m boss uv the show, becoz she needs
   A man to lean upon, an` guide `er mind."
"By gum!" sez Danny; "but that must be fine.
That`s `ow I`d like to `ave a wife uv mine."

I tells `im there`s a dance on Fridee night;
   `E must be there, tricked out in nobby clo`es
An` all spruced up.  I`ll see it fixed up right
   So `e can make the goin` good with Rose.
"I don`t dance much," `e sez.  "But p`raps me luck`s
Changed round; an` stone the crows!  I`ll chance the ducks!"

So far, ribuck.  I`m no back number yet;
   Although they treats me as brainless yob.
I may be slow to start; but, don`t ferget,
   I still got some idears back uv me nob.
An` once I`ve got Rose wed an` fixed fer life
I might su`prise respeck out uv me wife.

I might, but -- Listen.  Can you tell me this:
   Why am I takin` all these speshul pains,
An` worried lest me plans will go amiss?
   Why am I so dead set to use me brains?
Dunno; no more than you; fer, spare me days!
A man`s a puzzle to `imself, some ways.
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