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C J Dennis - The Battle Of The Wazzir
Work rating: Low

If ole Pharaoh, King of Egyp`, `ad been gazin` on the scene
   `E`d` ave give the A.I.F. a narsty name
When they done their little best to scrub `is dirty Kingdom clean,
   An` to shift `is ancient `eap uv sin an` shame.
An` I`m tippin` they`d `ave phenyled `im, an` rubbed it in `is `ead.
But old Pharaoh, King uv Egyp`, `e is dead.

So yeh don`t `ear much about it; an` it isn`t meant yeh should,
   Since `is Kingship wasn`t there to go orf pop;
An` this mishunery effort fer to make the `eathen good
   Wus a contract that the fellers `ad to drop.
There wus other pressin` matters, so they `ad to chuck the fun,
But the Battle uv the Wazzir took the bun.

Now, Ginger Mick `e writes to me a long, ixcited note,
   An` `e writes it in a whisper, so to speak;
Fer I guess the Censor`s shadder wus across `im as `e wrote,
   An` `e `ad to bottle things that musn`t leak.
So I ain`t got orl the strength uv it; but sich as Ginger sends
I rejooce to decent English fer me friends.

It wus part their native carelessness, an` part their native skite;
   Fer they kids themselves they know the Devil well,
`Avin` met `im, kind uv casu`l, on some wild Australian night-
   Wine an` women at a secon`-rate `otel.
But the Devil uv Australia `e`s a little woolly sheep
To the devils wot the desert children keep.

So they mooches round the drink-shop`s, an` the Wazzir took their eye,
   An` they found old Pharoah`s daughters pleasin` Janes;
An` they wouldn`t be Australian `less they give the game a fly . . .
   An` Egyp` smiled an` totted up `is gains.
`E doped their drinks, an` breathed on them `is aged evil breath . . .
An` more than one woke up to long fer death.

When they wandered frum the newest an` the cleanest land on earth,
   An` the filth uv ages met `em, it wus `ard.
Fer there may be sin an` sorrer in the country uv their birth;
   But the dirt uv cenchuries ain`t in the yard.
They wus children, playin` wiv an asp, an` never fearin` it,
An` they took it very sore when they wus bit.

First, they took the tales fer furphies.. when they got around the camp,
   Uv a cove done in fer life wiv one night`s jag,
But when the yarns grew `ot an` strong an` bore the `all-mark stamp
   Uv dinkum oil, they waved the danger flag.
An` the shudder that a clean man feels when `e`s su`prized wiv dirt
Gripped orl the camp reel solid; an` it `urt.

There wus Bill from up the Billabong, `oo`s dearest love wus cow,
   An` `oo lived an` thought an` fought an` acted clean.
`E wus lately frum `is mother wiv `er kiss wet on `is brow;
   But they snared `im in, an` did `im up reel mean.
Fer young Bill, wus gone a million, an` `e never guessed the game. . .
For `e`s down in livin` `ell, an` marked fer sbame.

An` Bill wus only one uv `em to fall to Eastern sin
   Ev`ry comp`ny `ad a rotten tale to tell,
An` there must be somethin` doin` when the strength uv it sunk in
   To a crowd that ain`t afraid to clean up `ell.
They wus game to take a gamble; but this dirt dealt to a mate-
Well, it riled `em; an` they didn`t `esitate.

`Ave `yeh seen a crowd uv fellers takin` chances `on a game,
   Crackin` `ard while they thought it on the square?
`Ave yeh `eard their owl uv anguish when they tumbled to the same,
   `Avin` found they wus the victums uv a snare?
It wus jist that sort uv anger when they fell to Egyp`s stunt;
An`, remember, they wus trainin` fer the front.

I `ave notions uv the Wazzir.  It`s as old as Pharaoh`s tomb;
   It`s as cunnin` as the oldest imp in `ell;
An` the game it plays uv lurin` blokes, wiv love-songs, to their doom
   Wus begun when first a tart `ad smiles to sell.
An` it stood there thro` the ages; an` it might be standin` still
If it `adn`t bumped a clean cove, name o` Bill.

An` they done it like they done it when a word went to the push
   That a nark `oo`d crooled a pal wus run to ground.
They done it like they done it when the blokes out in the bush
   Passed a telegraft that cops wus nosin` round.
There wus no one rung a fire-bell, but the tip wus passed about;
An` they fixed a night to clean the Wazzir out.

Yes, I`ve notions uv the Wazzir.  It`s been pilin` up its dirt
   Since it mated wiv the Devil in year One,
An` spawned a brood uv evil things to do a man a `urt
   Since the lurk uv snarin` innercents begun.
But it`s sweeter an` it`s cleaner since one wild an` woolly night
When the little A.I.F. put up a fight.

Now, it started wiv some `orseplay.  If the `eads `ad seen the look,
   Dead in earnest, that wus underneath the fun,
They`d `ave tumbled there wus somethin` that wus more than commin crook,
   An` `ave stopped the game before it `arf begun.
But the fellers larfed like school-boys, tbo` they orl wus more than narked,
An` they `ad the `ouses well an` truly marked.

Frum a little crazy balkiney that clawed agin a wall
   A chair come crasbin` down into the street;
Then a woman`s frightened screamin` give the sign to bounce the ball,
   An` there came a sudden rush uv soljers` feet.
There`s a glimpse uv frightened faces as a door caved in an` fell;
An` the Wazzir wus a `owlin` screamin` `ell.

Frum a winder `igh above `em there`s a bloke near seven feet,
   Waves a bit uv naked Egyp` in the air.
An` there`s squealin` an` there`s shriekin` as they chased `em down the street,
   When they dug `em out like rabbits frum their lair.
Then down into the roadway gaudy `ouse`old gods comes fast,
An` the Wazzir`s Great Spring Cleanin` starts at last.

Frum the winders came pianners an` some giddy duchess pairs;
   An` they piled `em on the roadway in the mire,
An` `eaped `em `igh wiv fal-de-rals an` pretty parlor chairs,
   Which they started in to purify wiv fire.
Then the Redcaps come to argue, but they jist amused the mob;
Fer tbe scavengers wus warmin` to their job.

When the fire-reels come to quell `em-`struth! they `ad no bloomin` `ope;
   Fer they cut the `ose to ribbons in a jiff;
An` they called u`pon tbe drink-shops an` poured out their rotten dope,
   While the nigs `oo didn`t run wus frightened stiff.
An` when orb wus done an` over, an` they wearied uv the strife,
That old Wazzir`d `ad the scourin` uv its life.

Now, old Gin er ain`t quite candid; `e don`t say where `e came in;
   But `e mentions that`e don`t get no C.B.,
An` `e`s `ad some pretty practice dodgin` punishment fer sin
   Down in Spadger`s since `is early infancy.
So I guess, if they went after `im, they found `im snug in bed.
Fer old Ginger `as a reel tactician`s `ead.

An` `e sez that when `e wandered down the Wazzir later on
   It wus like a `ome where `oliness reposed;
Fer its sinfulness wus `idden, an` its brazenness wus gone,
   An` its doors, wiv proper modesty, wus closed.
If a `ead looked out a winder, as they passed, it quick drew in;
Fer the Wazzir wus a wowser, scared from sin.

If old Pharaoh, King uv Egyp`, `e `ad lived to see the day
   When they tidied up `is `eap uv shame an` sin,
Well, `e mighter took it narsty, fer our fellers `ave a way
   Uv completin` any job that they begin.
An` they might `ave left `is Kingship nursin` gravel-rash in bed. . .
But old Pharaoh, King uv Egyp`, `e is dead.
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