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C J Dennis - Bert
Work rating: Low

Did you ever meet Bert? `E`s all over the town, 
   In offices, shops an` in various places, 
Cocky an` all; an` you can`t keep `im down.
   I never seen no one so lucky at races.  
Backs all the winners or very near all;
   Tells you nex` day when the races are over.  
`E makes quite a pot, for `is wagers ain`t small;
   An` by rights `e `ad ought to be livin` in clover.

But, some`ow or other -- aw, well, I dunno.
   You got to admit that some fellers is funny.  
`E don`t dress too well an` `is spendin` is low.
   I can`t understand wot `e does with `is money.  
`E ought to be sockin` a pretty fair share;
   An` tho` `e will own `e`s a big money-maker, 
`E don`t seem to save an` `e don`t seem to care 
   If `e owes a big wad to `is butcher an` baker.

`E don`t tell you much if you meet on the course;
   But after it`s over `e comes to you grinnin`,
Shows you `is card where `e`s marked the first `orse,
   An` spins you a wonderful tale of `is winnin`.  
Can`t make `im out, `e`s so lucky an` that.
   Knows ev`ry owner an` trainer an` jockey: 
But all of `is wagerin`s done on `is pat. 
   Won`t spill a thing, even tho` `e`s so cocky.

Oyster, that`s Bert.  `E`s as close as a book.
   But sometimes I`ve come on `im sudden an` saw `im 
Lip `angin` down an` a reel `aggard look,
   Like all the woes in the world come to gnaw `im.  
But, soon as `e sees you, `e brightens right up.  
   "Picked it again, lad!" `e sez to you, grinnin`.  
"A fiver at sevens I `ad in the Cup!
   That`s very near sixty odd quid that I`m winnin`."

Mystery man -- that`s `is style for a cert,
   Picks the `ole card, yet `e`s shabby and seedy;
`E must `ave some sorrer in secrit, ole Bert -
   Some drain on `is purse wot is keepin` `im needy.
A terrible pity.  Some woman, no doubt.
   No wonder `e worries in secrit an` souses.
If I `ad `is winnin`s, year in an` year out,
   Why I`d own a Rolls Royce an` a terris of `ouses.
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