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C J Dennis - Logic and Spotted Dog
Work rating: Low

"Unless you `ide that axe," she sez, "`E`ll `urt `imself reel bad.
An` after all - Now, Bill, don`t cry! - that trouble that I`ve `ad,
     Wiv `im thro` croop an` whoopin` corf, `e goes an` cuts `imself!
     Why don`t you `ang it on the wall, or `ide it on a shelf?
But there it wus, jist thrown about.  You ort to take more care!
                              You left it there!

"You left it there," she sez, "an` now . . ."  I sez, "`Old on a jiff.
Let`s git the fac`s all sorted out before we `as a tiff
     I`m mighty careful wiv that axe, an` never leaves it out.
     An` I`d be mad if that young imp got knockin` it about."
"Ole axe!" she sez.  Look at `is thumb!  A precious lot you care!
                              You left it there!"

I am marri`d to a woman; which is nacheral an` right.
I sez that over to meself, fer safety, day an` night.
     Most times I sez it fond an` proud wiv gladness in me mind;
     But sometimes philosophic-like an` wot yeh`d call resigned.
"An axe as sharp as that," she sez.  "It reely isn`t fair!
                              You left it there!

"The way you pet that axe," she sez - "the way it`s ground an` filed,
The way you fairly fondle it, you`d think it wus a child!
     An` when I pick the ole thing up to cut a bit uv string
     Yeh rave an` shout ..." "Wait on," I sez.  "But ir`n`s a different thing.
An` you wus choppin` fencin` wire!"  She sez, "Well, I don`t care.                              
                                You left it there!"

I `elps meself to spotted dog, an` chews, an` thinks a while.
"I`m reely sorry," I begins.  Then, as I seen `er smile,
     I plays `er fer the fun uv it, an` sez, "But, all the same,
     If he gits foolin` wiv that axe `e`s got `imself to blame."
`Er eyes spark up.  "A child like that!  Now, Bill, it isn`t fair!
                              You left it there!"

I cuts another slice an` sez, "This spotted dog`s a treat.
Uv course, `ooever left it there," I sez, "wus - indiscreet."
     "Careless!" she sez.  "You know you are! `E might `a` cut `is face!
     An axe as sharp as that," she sez, "should be kep` in its place."
"Quite right," I sez.  "An` not," she sez, "jist thrown round anywhere.
                              You left it there!"

An` then I lets `er `ave it, an` I sez, "Now, think a bit.
I put that axe away last night when all the wood wus split."
     "Well, that`s enough about it now," she sez.  I seen `er wince,
     An` sez, "I put that axe away, an` `aven`t used it since;
But someone else wus usin` it this mornin`, I kin swear,
                              An` left it there."

"Well, never mind . . . Poor Bill!" she sez.  "Was `is poor thumb all `urt?"
(Oh, it`s entertainin` sometimes fer to argue wiv a skirt.)
     "There`s someone else," I sez, an` grins, an` kids I`m doin` fine,
     "Wus usin` it this mornin` fer to cut a bit uv pine.
So now," I sez, "apolergise!  I`ve beat you fair an` square!
                              You left it there!"

Fer `arf a mo she pets young Bill, an` would`nt meet me eye.
Thinkin` she wus - I knew she wus.  An` then she lets it fly:
     "If you `ad cut that wood," she sez, "an` I implored you to,
     There wouldn`t be no need fer me to `ave sich things to do!
It ain`t right fer a woman . . ."  "`Ere!" I sez.  "Now, I don`t care
                              `Oo left it there!"

"Uv course you don`t!" she gits me back.  "You never care a bit!
An` it ain`t right fer a woman to `ave kin`lin` wood to split;
     While there`s a man about the `ouse!"  I sees the tears is near,
     An` pats `er `air.  "Now, let it drop," I sez.  "Don`t worry, dear."
"`Ow can I let it drop?" she sobs.  "You said you didn`t care
                              `Oo left it there"

"I do!" I yells.  "I mean - I don`t - I . . ."  Oh, Gaw spare me days!
When you argue wiv a woman she `as got you either ways!
     You `ave to do it in the end; an` so I licks the dirt,
     An` sez, "Dear, I apolergise.  I`m - sorry - if I `urt."
Yes, I`m marri`d to a woman.  An` she smiles, an` strokes me `air,
                              An - leaves it there.
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