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C J Dennis - The Dance
Work rating: Low

"Heirlums," `e sez.  "I`ve `ad the trousiz pressed.
   Me father married in `em, that `e did.
See this `ere fancy vest?
         See this `ere lid?
Me gran`dad brought that frum `is native land
In forty-two-an` then `twas second-`and."

Clobber?  Oh, `el!  Pants uv wild shepherd`s plaid,
   A coat that might `ave knocked the cliners flat
When father was a lad,
         A tall, pot `at
That caught the mange back in the diggin`s days,
A fancy vest that called fer loud `oorays.

But loud `oorays don`t `arf ixpress my rage
   When Danny comes upholstered fer the jig.
I`ve seen it on the stage,
         Rat comic rig;
But never at a country dance before
`Ave I seen sich crook duds as Danny wore.

"You want to crool my scheme," I sez, "with rags
   Like that?  This ain`t no fancy dress affair.
Wot sort uv tile an` bags
         Is them to wear?
But `e don`t tumble;  )e`s as pleased as pie.
"By gum," `e sez, "this ort to catch `er eye."

"You posin` fer a comic film, or wot?"
   I arsts `im --" with noorotic togs like those!
Jazz clobber!  Ain`t you got
         No decent clo`es?"
But `e`s too tickled with `imself to `eed.
"This orter catch `er eye," `e sez, "this tweed."

It caught `er eye, all right, an` many more.
   They starts to come before the daylight fades;
An`, fer a hour before
         The crowd parades,
Ole Danny `eld the centre uv the stage,
While I stood orf an` chewed me silent rage.

That`s `ow it alwiz is: I try to show
   `Ow I can use me bean in deep-laid lurks;
An` then some fool must go
         An` bust the works.
`Ere, I `ave planned a coop in slap-up-style,
 An` Danny spikes me guns with gran`pa`s tile.

Rose never seemed so free frum ugly dreams,
   Not since she came, as that night at the dance;
But my matchmakin` schemes
         Makes no advance;
Fer every time I gits a chance to score,
Doreen butts in, an` crools me pitch once more.

Reel thortless, women is.  She ort to seen
   I `ad intents -- in spite uv Danny`s clo`es --
An` that `e was reel keen.
         Concernin` Rose.
Not `er.  She larfs, an` chatters with the push,
As if rich `usbands grew on every bush.

Once, f`rinstance, I gits busy when I seen
   Rose sittin` out; an` brings Dan on the run.
"Why, mercy!" sez Doreen.
         "`Ere`s Mister Dunn
Perlite enough to arst me fer a dance.
`E knows us marrid ones don`t git much chance."

An` there she grabs `im, fair out uv me `ands!
   An` lets young Wally Free git off with Rose;
While like a fool I stands,
         Kickin` me toes
An` cursin` all the fool things women do.
I`d think `twas done apurpis, less I knoo.

That`s `ow it was all night. I schemed a treat,
   Workin` shrood points, an` sweatin` blood, almost;
But every time I`m beat
         Right on the post.
All me matchrnakin`s bust -- the task uv days --
Through Danny`s duds an` my wife`s tackless ways.

Nice chaperong she is!  While Free an` Rose
   Dance `arf the night Doreen jist sits an` beams.
When I seen that, up goes
         My `opes an` schemes.
But all that Danny sez is, "Stone the crows!
Yeh`d think I`d took `er eye, with them good clo`es."

When we git `ome that night I shows me spleen
   By `intin` Rose will be left on the shelf.
An` then I see Doreen
         Smile to `erself.
"I would n`t be su`prised," she sez, "to see
Rose marrid, some fine day, to Wally Free."

To Wally Free!  Yeh could `ave knocked me flat
   With `arf a brick. I seen it in a flash.
A grinnin` coot like that!
         Without no cash!
Besides, a man `oo`d keep a thievin` cow
Like `is, won`t make no `usband any`ow.

I`m sick uv everything.  It ain`t no joke.
   I`ve tried to do good works; an` now I`ve found
When you git `elpin` folk
         They jist turn round
An` bite the `and that feeds `em, so to speak.
An` yet they sez the strong should `elp the weak.

Wot rot! ... I wisht I `ad some reel ixcuse
   To push some face in, jist to ease me mind.
Spike Wegg, `e `ad `is use --
         `Im an` `is kind.
If I could give me ole left-`ook one swing,
I might feel kinder like to everything.
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