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C J Dennis - `Erb
Work rating: Low

Do you know `Erb?  Now, there`s a dinkum sport. 
If football`s on your mind, why, `Erb`s the sort
   To put you wise.  It`s his whole end and` aim.
   Keen?  He`s as keen as mustard on the game.
Football is in his blood.  He thinks an` schemes
All through the season; talks of it an` dreams
   An` eats an` sleeps with football on his mind.
   Yes: `Erb`s a sport -- the reel whole-hearted kind.

"A healthy, manly sport." That`s wot `Erb says.
You ought to see his form on football days:
   Keyed up, reel eager, eyes alight with joy,
   Full of wise schemes for his team to employ.
Knows all about it -- how to kick a goal,
An` wot to do if they get in a hole.
   Enthusiasm?  Why, when `Erb gets set
   He is a sight you couldn`t well forget.

There ain`t a point about it he don`t know --
All of the teams and players, top to toe.
   The rules, the tricks -- it`s marvellous the way
   He follers -- Wot?  Good Lord, no, he don`t play.
`Erb?  Playin` football?  Blimey!  have a heart!
   Aw, don`t be silly.  `Erb don`t have to play;
   He knows more than them players any day.

He`s never had a football in his hand,
`Cept once, when it was kicked up in the stand.
   No, `Erb ain`t never played; he only sits
   An` watches `em, an` yells, an` hoots and splits
His sides with givin` mugs some sound advice
An` tellin` umpires things wot ain`t too nice.
   Aw, look; your ejication ain`t complete
   Till you know `Erb.  You reely ought to meet.
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