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C J Dennis - Cow
Work rating: Low

Aw, go write yer tinklin` jingle, an` yer pretty phrases mingle,
Fer the mamby-pamby girl, all fluffy frill an` shinin` silk.
Them`s the sort ter fetch yer trouble, when yer tries `em, in the double.
Blow yer beauty! Wot`s the matter with the maiden `oo kin milk?
Them there rhymers uv the wattle!  An` the bardlet uv the bottle --
`Im that sings uv sparklin` wine, an` does a perish fer the beer;
An` yer slap-dash `orsey po-it!  Garn!  If you blokes only know it,
You `ave missed the single subjec` fit ter rhyme about down `ere.
An` although I ain`t a bard, with bloomin` bays upon me brow,
I kinsider that it`s up ter me ter sing about The Cow.
 
            Cow, Cow --
        (Though it ain`t a pretty row,
It`s a word that `ipnertises me; I couldn`t tell yer `ow.)
        Though I ain`t a gifted rhymer,
        Nor a blamed Parnassus climber,
I`m inspired ter sing a tune er two about the Blessed Cow.
 
0h, the cow-bells are a-tinklin`, and the daisies are a twinklin`--
Well, that ain`t the style ersackly I intended fer to sing.
`Ark, was over music greater then the buzzin` sepy-rater,
Coinin` gaily money daily fer the -- no, that`s not the thing!
`Omeward comes the cows a-lowin`, an` the butter-cups are blowin`;
But there`s better butter in the -- Blarst ! That ain`t the proper way
See the pretty milkmaid walkin` -- aw, it ain`t no use er talkin`.
Listen `ere, I want ter tell yer this: A cow`s ther thing ter pay!
Sell yer `orses, sell yer arrers, an` yer reapers, an` yer plough;
If yer want yer land ter pay yer, sacrifice yer life ter Cow.
 
            Cow, Cow --
        Sittin` underneath the bough,
With a bail, an` with a pail, an` with a little stool, an` thou
        Kickin` when I pull yer teat there,
        Swishin` flies, the pretty creatur.
Ah, there ain`t no music sweeter -- money squirtin` from the Cow.
 
Take away the wine-cup; take it.  An` the foamin` flagon, break it.
Brimmin` cups uv butter-milk`ll set yer glowin` thro` an` thro`;
An` the reason I`m teetotal is becos me thrifty throat`ll
Jest refuse ter swaller stuff that`s costin` me a precious sou.
Once I wus a sinful spender. Used ter go a roarin` bender --
Used ter often spend a thruppence when ther` wasn`t any need.
An` the many ways I`ve busted money, when I should er trusted
It ter cattle an` erconomy, `ud cause yer `eart ter bleed
But I`m glad, me friends, that godliness `as made me careful now;
Tho` I lorst the thing wot`s next it when I cottoned ter the Cow.
 
            Cow, Cow --
        Trudin` thro` the sloppy slough.
Ah, I once despised the Jews, but I kin under-stand `em now --
        When they needed elevatin`,
        An` ole Moses kep` `em waitin`
Fer religi`n, they went straight `n` sorter substichooted Cow.
 
Listen to the lowin` cattle.  Listen to the buckets rattle,
See, the sun is - (`Ere! You Bill!  Yer goin` ter stay all day asleep?
`Ustle, or yer`ll get a taste er -- Wot?  No cheek yer flamin` waster!
This is wot I get fer payin` `arf a quid a week an` keep!
Talk about yer unions, will yer?  Right, me covey, wait until yer
Come `ere crawlin` - Where`s that Sarah?  Ain`t she finished milkin` Spot? 
Is this wot I brought yer up fer; reared, an` give yer bite an` sup fer?
`Struth! A man`s own kids `ll next be talkin` Union, like as not
Garn, I ain`t got time ter listen ter yer silly sniv`lin` now.
Understan` me, you was born an` bred ter think an` live fer Cow!)
 
            Cow, Cow --
        I`m a capitalist now
Tho` I once wus poor an` lonely, an` a waster I`ll allow.
        Now I`ve `an`s that I kin `ector:
        I`m a Nupper `Ouse elector;
An` the Sanitry Inspector is an interferin` cow!
 
Talk about yer modrun schoolin`! Edjucation`s wasteful foolin`!
I got on without it; an` it only teaches youngsters cheek --
(Where`s young Tom? Wot? Ain`t `e back yet?
Sam, go -- `Ere  You`ll get the sack yet!
Wastin` time there, washin` buckets! Them wus washed larst Choosdee week!
Tell young Tom if `e don`t `urry, I`ll --.  Now, mother, don`t yer worry.
I`ll deal Christian with `im; but I`m not a Bible pa by `alf.
That ole Scripchure cove`s a driv`lin` idjut.  When `is son comes sniv`lin`,
Why, the blazin`, wasteful crim`nal goes an` kills a poddy calf!
I`m no dotin` daddy, but I know me jooty, you`ll allow,
An` the children uv me loins is born to `ave respect fer Cow.)
 
            Cow, Cow -
        (Bow yer `eads, yer blighters, bow!)
Come an` be initiated.  Come an` take the milky vow,
        Put yer wife an` fam`ly in it;
        Work `em ev`ry wakin` minit;
Fetch yer sordid soul an` pin it, signed an` sealed an` sold ter COW.
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