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C J Dennis - Half a Man
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"I wash me `ands uv `im," I tells `em straight.
  "You women can do wot yeh dash well like.
I leave this `arf a man to `is own fate;
  I`ve done me bit, an` now I`m gone on strike.
Do wot yeh please; but don`t arsk `elp from me;
`E`s give me nerves; so now I`ll let `im be."

Doreen an` ole Mar Flood `as got a scheme.
  They`ve been conspirin` for a week or more
About this Digger Smith, an` now they dream
  They`ve got `is fucher waitin` in cold store
To `and `im out, an` fix `im up for life.
But they`ve got Buckley`s, as I tells me wife.

I`ve seen them whisperin` up in our room.
  Now they wants me to join in the debate;
But "Nix," I tells `em. "I ain`t in the boom,
  An` Digger Smith ain`t risin` to me bait;
`E`s fur too fly a fish for me to catch,
An` two designin` women ain`t `is match."

I puts me foot down firm, an` tells `em, No!
  Their silly plan`s a thing I wouldn`t touch.
An` then me wife, for `arf an hour or so,
  Talks to me confident, of nothin` much;
Then, `fore I know it, I am all red `ot
Into the scheme, an` leader uv the plot.

`Twas Mar Flood starts it. She got `old uv `im-
  You know the way they `ave with poor, weak men-
She drops a tear or two concernin` Jim;
  Tells `im wot women `ave to bear; an` then
She got `im talkin`, like a woman can.
`E never would `ave squeaked to any man.

She leads `im on - It`s crook the way they scheme -
  To talk about this girl `e`s let be`ind.
Not that she`s pryin`! Why, she wouldn`t dream!-
  But speakin` uv it might jist ease `is mind.
Then, `fore `e knows, `e`s told, to `is surprise,
Name an` address - an` colour uv `er eyes!

An` then she`s off `ere plottin` with Doreen-
  Bustin` a confidence, I tells `em, flat.
But all me roustin` leaves `em both serene:
  Women don`t see a little thing like that.
An` I ain`t cooled off yet before they`ve got
Me workin` for `em in this crooked plot.

Nex` day Mar Flood she takes `er Sunday dress
  An` `er best bonnet up to town.
`Er game`s to see the girl at this address
  An` word `er in regard to comin` down
To take Smith be su`prise. My part`s to fix
A meetin` so there won`t be any mix.

I tips, that girl won`t `esitate.
  She don`t. She comes right back with Mar nex` day,
All uv a fluster. When I see `er state
  I thinks I`d best see Digger straight away;
`Cos if I don`t, `e`s bound to `ear the row,
With `er: "Where is `e? Can`t I see `im now?"

I finds `im in the paddick down at Flood`s.
  I `ums an` `ars a bit about the crops.
`E don`t say nothin`: goes on baggin` spuds.
  "`Ow would yeh like," I sez to `im, an` stops.
"`Ow would it be"… `E stands an` looks at me:
"Now, wot the `Ell`s got into you?" sez `e.

That don`t restore me confidence a bit.
  The drarmer isn`t goin` as I tipped.
I corfs, an` makes another shot at it;
  While `e looks at me like `e thinks I`m dipped.
"Well - jist suppose," I sez; an` then I turn
An` see `er standin` there among the fern.

She don`t want no prelimin`ries, this tart;
  She`s broke away before they rung the bell;
She`s beat the gun, an` got a flyin` start.
  Smith makes a funny noise, an` I sez "`Ell!"
Because I tumbles that I`m out uv place.
But, as I went, I caught sight uv `er face.

That`s all I want to know. An`, as I ran,
  I `ear`s her cry, "My man! Man an` a `arf!
Don`t fool me with yer talk uv `arf a man!"…
  An` then I `ear ole Digger start to larf.
It was a funny larf, so `elp me bob:
Fair in the middle uv it come a sob…

I don`t see Digger till the other night.
  "Well, `Arf-a-man," I sez, "`Ow goes it now?"
"Yes, `arf a man," sez `e. "Yeh got it right;
  I can`t change that, alone, not any`ow.
But she is mendin` things." `E starts to larf.
"Some day," `e sez, "she`ll be the better `arf."
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