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Jonathan Swift - The Revolution At Market-Hill
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From distant regions Fortune sends
An odd triumvirate of friends;
Where Phoebus pays a scanty stipend,
Where never yet a codling ripen`d:
Hither the frantic goddess draws
Three sufferers in a ruin`d cause:
By faction banish`d, here unite,
A Dean, a Spaniard, and a Knight;
Unite, but on conditions cruel;
The Dean and Spaniard find it too well,
Condemn`d to live in service hard;
On either side his honour`s guard:
The Dean to guard his honour`s back,
Must build a castle at Drumlack;
The Spaniard, sore against his will,
Must raise a fort at Market-Hill.
And thus the pair of humble gentry
At north and south are posted sentry;
While in his lordly castle fixt,
The knight triumphant reigns betwixt:
And, what the wretches most resent,
To be his slaves, must pay him rent;
Attend him daily as their chief,
Decant his wine, and carve his beef.
O Fortune! `tis a scandal for thee
To smile on those who are least worthy:
Weigh but the merits of the three,
His slaves have ten times more than he.
  Proud baronet of Nova Scotia!
The Dean and Spaniard must reproach ye:
Of their two fames the world enough rings:
Where are thy services and sufferings?
What if for nothing once you kiss`d,
Against the grain, a monarch`s fist?
What if, among the courtly tribe,
You lost a place and saved a bribe?
And then in surly mood came here,
To fifteen hundred pounds a-year,
And fierce against the Whigs harangu`d?
You never ventured to be hang`d.
How dare you treat your betters thus?
Are you to be compared with us?
  Come, Spaniard, let us from our farms
Call forth our cottagers to arms:
Our forces let us both unite,
Attack the foe at left and right;
From Market-Hill`s exalted head,
Full northward let your troops be led;
While I from Drapier`s-Mount descend,
And to the south my squadrons bend.
New-River Walk, with friendly shade,
Shall keep my host in ambuscade;
While you, from where the basin stands,
Shall scale the rampart with your bands.
Nor need we doubt the fort to win;
I hold intelligence within.
True, Lady Anne no danger fears,
Brave as the Upton fan she wears;
Then, lest upon our first attack
Her valiant arm should force us back,
And we of all our hopes deprived;
I have a stratagem contrived.
By these embroider`d high-heel shoes
She shall be caught as in a noose:
So well contriv`d her toes to pinch,
She`ll not have power to stir an inch:
These gaudy shoes must Hannah place
Direct before her lady`s face;
The shoes put on, our faithful portress
Admits us in, to storm the fortress,
While tortured madam bound remains,
Like Montezume, in golden chains;
Or like a cat with walnuts shod,
Stumbling at every step she trod.
Sly hunters thus, in Borneo`s isle,
To catch a monkey by a wile,
The mimic animal amuse;
They place before him gloves and shoes;
Which, when the brute puts awkward on:
All his agility is gone;
In vain to frisk or climb he tries;
The huntsmen seize the grinning prize.
  But let us on our first assault
Secure the larder and the vault;
The valiant Dennis, you must fix on,
And I`ll engage with Peggy Dixon:
Then, if we once can seize the key
And chest that keeps my lady`s tea,
They must surrender at discretion!
And, soon as we have gain`d possession,
We`ll act as other conquerors do,
Divide the realm between us two;
Then, (let me see,) we`ll make the knight
Our clerk, for he can read and write.
But must not think, I tell him that,
Like Lorimer  to wear his hat;
Yet, when we dine without a friend,
We`ll place him at the lower end.
Madam, whose skill does all in dress lie,
May serve to wait on Mrs. Leslie;
But, lest it might not be so proper
That her own maid should over-top her,
To mortify the creature more,
We`ll take her heels five inches lower.
  For Hannah, when we have no need of her,
`Twill be our interest to get rid of her;
And when we execute our plot,
`Tis best to hang her on the spot;
As all your politicians wise,
Dispatch the rogues by whom they rise.
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