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Jonathan Swift - Mrs Frances Haris`s Petition
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To their Excellencies the Lords Justices of Ireland,
The humble petition of Frances Harris,
Who must starve and die a maid if it miscarries;
Humble sheweth, that I went to warm myself in Lady Betty`s chamber, because I 
was cold;
And I had in a purse seven pounds, four shillings, and sixpence, (besides 
farthings) in money and gold;
So because I had been buying things for my lady last night,
I was resolved to tell my money, to see if it was right.
Now, you must know, because my trunk has a very bad lock,
Therefore all the money I have, which, God knows, is a very small stock,
I keep in my pocket, tied about my middle, next my smock.
So when I went to put up my purse, as God would have it, my smock was unripped,
And instead of putting it into my pocket, down it slipped;
Then the bell rung, and I went down to put my lady to bed;
And, God knows, I thought my money was as safe as my maidenhead.
So, when I came up again, I found my pocket feel very light;
But when I searched, and missed my purse, Lord! I thought I should have sunk 
outright.
"Lord! madam," says Mary, "how d`ye do?" -"Indeed," says I, "never worse:
But pray, Mary, can you tell what I have done with my purse?"
"Lord help me!" says Mary, "I never stirred out of this place!"
"Nay," said I, "I had it in Lady Betty`s chamber, that`s a plain case."
So Mary got me to bed, and covered me up warm:
However, she stole away my garters, that I might do myself no harm.
So I tumbled and tossed all night, as you may very well think,
But hardly ever set my eyes together, or slept a wink.
So I was a-dreamed, methought, that I went and searched the folks round,
And in a corner of Mrs Duke`s box, tied in a rag, the money was found.
So next morning we told Whittle, and he fell a swearing:
Then my dame Wadgar came, and she, you know, is thick of hearing.
"Dame," says I, as loud as I could bawl, "do you know what a loss I have had?"
"Nay," says she, "my Lord Colway`s folks are all very sad:
For my Lord Dromedary comes a Tuesday without fail."
"Pugh!" said I, "but that`s not the business that I ail."
Says Cary, says he, "I have been a servant this five and twenty years come 
spring,
And in all the places I lived I never heard of such a thing."
"Yes," says the steward, "I remember when I was at my Lord Shrewsbury`s,
Such a thing as this happened, just about the time of gooseberries."
So I went to the party suspected, and I found her full of grief:
(Now, you must know, of all things in the world I hate a thief:)
However, I was resolved to bring the discourse slily about:
"Mrs Duke," said I, "here`s an ugly accident has happened out:
`Tis not that I value the money three skips of a louse:
But the thing I stand upon is the credit of the house.
`Tis true, seven pounds, four shillings, and sixpence makes a great hole in my 
wages:
Besides, as they say, service is no inheritance in these ages.
Now, Mrs Duke, you know, and everybody understands,
That though `tis hard to judge, yet money can`t go without hands."
"The devil take me!" said she, (blessing herself,) "if ever I saw`t!"
So she roared like a bedlam, as though I had called her all to naught.
So, you know, what could I say to her any more?
I e`en left her, and came away as wise as I was before.
Well; but then they would have had me gone to the cunning man:
"No," said I, "`tis the same thing, the CHAPLAIN will be here anon."
So the Chaplain came in. Now the servants say he is my sweetheart,
Because he`s always in my chamber, and I always take his part.
So, as the devil would have it, before I was aware, out I blundered,
"Parson," said I, "can you cast a nativity, when a body`s plundered?"
(Now you must know, he hates to be called Parson, like the devil!)
"Truly," says he, "Mrs Nab, it might become you to be more civil;
If your money be gone, as a learned Divine says, d`ye see,
You are no text for my handling; so take that from me:
I was never taken for a Conjurer before, I`d have you to know."
"Lord!" said I, "don`t be angry, I am sure I never thought you so;
You know I honour the cloth; I design to be a Parson`s wife;
I never took one in your coat for a conjurer in all my life."
With that he twisted his girdle at me like a rope, as who should say,
`Now you may go hang yourself for me!` and so went away.
Well: I thought I should have swooned. "Lord!" said I, "what shall I do?
I have lost my money, and shall lose my true love too!"
Then my lord called me: "Harry," said my lord, "don`t cry;
I`ll give you something toward thy loss: "And," says my lady, "so will I."
Oh! but, said I, what if, after all, the Chaplain won`t come to?
For that, he said (an`t please your Excellencies), I must petition you.
The premisses tenderly considered, I desire your Excellencies` protection,
And that I may have a share in next Sunday`s collection;
And, over and above, that I may have your Excellencies` letter,
With an order for the Chaplain aforesaid, or, instead of him, a better:
And then your poor petitioner, both night and day,
Or the Chaplain (for `tis his trade,) as in duty bound, shall ever pray.
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