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Amy Lowell - Number 3 on the Docket
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The lawyer, are you?
Well! I ain`t got nothin` to say.
Nothin`!
I told the perlice I hadn`t nothin`.
They know`d real well `twas me.
Ther warn`t no supposin`,
Ketchin` me in the woods as they did,
An` me in my house dress.
Folks don`t walk miles an` miles
In the drifted snow,
With no hat nor wrap on `em
Ef everythin`s all right, I guess.
All right? Ha! Ha! Ha!
Nothin` warn`t right with me.
Never was.
Oh, Lord! Why did I do it?
Why ain`t it yesterday, and Ed here agin?
Many`s the time I`ve set up with him nights
When he had cramps, or rheumatizm, or somethin`.
I used ter nurse him same`s ef he was a baby.
I wouldn`t hurt him, I love him!
Don`t you dare to say I killed him. `Twarn`t me!
Somethin` got aholt o` me. I couldn`t help it.
Oh, what shall I do! What shall I do!
Yes, Sir.
No, Sir.
I beg your pardon, I — I —
Oh, I`m a wicked woman!
An` I`m desolate, desolate!
Why warn`t I struck dead or paralyzed
Afore my hands done it.
Oh, my God, what shall I do!
No, Sir, ther ain`t no extenuatin` circumstances,
An` I don`t want none.
I want a bolt o` lightnin`
To strike me dead right now!
Oh, I`ll tell yer.
But it won`t make no diff`rence.
Nothin` will.
Yes, I killed him.
Why do yer make me say it?
It`s cruel! Cruel!
I killed him because o` th` silence.
The long, long silence,
That watched all around me,
And he wouldn`t break it.
I tried to make him,
Time an` agin,
But he was terrible taciturn, Ed was.
He never spoke `cept when he had to,
An` then he`d only say "yes" and "no".
You can`t even guess what that silence was.
I`d hear it whisperin` in my ears,
An` I got frightened, `twas so thick,
An` al`ays comin` back.
Ef Ed would ha` talked sometimes
It would ha` driven it away;
But he never would.
He didn`t hear it same as I did.
You see, Sir,
Our farm was off`n the main road,
And set away back under the mountain;
And the village was seven mile off,
Measurin` after you`d got out o` our lane.
We didn`t have no hired man,
`Cept in hayin` time;
An` Dane`s place,
That was the nearest,
Was clear way `tother side the mountain.
They used Marley post-office
An` ours was Benton.
Ther was a cart-track took yer to Dane`s in Summer,
An` it warn`t above two mile that way,
But it warn`t never broke out Winters.
I used to dread the Winters.
Seem`s ef I couldn`t abear to see the golden-rod bloomin`;
Winter`d come so quick after that.
You don`t know what snow`s like when yer with it
Day in an` day out.
Ed would be out all day loggin`,
An` I set at home and look at the snow
Layin` over everythin`;
It `ud dazzle me blind,
Till it warn`t white any more, but black as ink.
Then the quiet `ud commence rushin` past my ears
Till I most went mad listenin` to it.
Many`s the time I`ve dropped a pan on the floor
Jest to hear it clatter.
I was most frantic when dinner-time come
An` Ed was back from the woods.
I`d ha` give my soul to hear him speak.
But he`d never say a word till I asked him
Did he like the raised biscuits or whatever,
An` then sometimes he`d jest nod his answer.
Then he`d go out agin,
An` I`d watch him from the kitchin winder.
It seemed the woods come marchin` out to meet him
An` the trees `ud press round him an` hustle him.
I got so I was scared o` th` trees.
I thought they come nearer,
Every day a little nearer,
Closin` up round the house.
I never went in t` th` woods Winters,
Though in Summer I liked `em well enough.
It warn`t so bad when my little boy was with us.
He used to go sleddin` and skatin`,
An` every day his father fetched him to school in the pung
An` brought him back agin.
We scraped an` scraped fer Neddy,
We wanted him to have a education.
We sent him to High School,
An` then he went up to Boston to Technology.
He was a minin` engineer,
An` doin` real well,
A credit to his bringin` up.
But his very first position ther was an explosion in the mine.
And I`m glad! I`m glad!
He ain`t here to see me now.
Neddy! Neddy!
I`m your mother still, Neddy.
Don`t turn from me like that.
I can`t abear it. I can`t! I can`t!
What did you say?
Oh, yes, Sir.
I`m here.
I`m very sorry,
I don`t know what I`m sayin`.
No, Sir,
Not till after Neddy died.
`Twas the next Winter the silence come,
I don`t remember noticin` it afore.
That was five year ago,
An` it`s been gittin` worse an` worse.
I asked Ed to put in a telephone.
I thought ef I felt the whisperin` comin` on
I could ring up some o` th` folks.
But Ed wouldn`t hear of it.
He said we`d paid so much for Neddy
We couldn`t hardly git along as `twas.
An` he never understood me wantin` to talk.
Well, this year was worse`n all the others;
We had a terrible spell o` stormy weather,
An` the snow lay so thick
You couldn`t see the fences even.
Out o` doors was as flat as the palm o` my hand,
Ther warn`t a hump or a holler
Fer as you could see.
It was so quiet
The snappin` o` the branches back in the wood-lot
Sounded like pistol shots.
Ed was out all day
Same as usual.
An` it seemed he talked less`n ever.
He didn`t even say `Good-mornin``, once or twice,
An` jest nodded or shook his head when I asked him things.
On Monday he said he`d got to go over to Benton
Fer some oats.
I`d oughter ha` gone with him,
But `twas washin` day
An` I was afeared the fine weather`d break,
An` I couldn`t do my dryin`.
All my life I`d done my work punctual,
An` I couldn`t fix my conscience
To go junketin` on a washin`-day.
I can`t tell you what that day was to me.
It dragged an` dragged,
Fer ther warn`t no Ed ter break it in the middle
Fer dinner.
Every time I stopped stirrin` the water
I heerd the whisperin` all about me.
I stopped oftener`n I should
To see ef `twas still ther,
An` it al`ays was.
An` gittin` louder
It seemed ter me.
Once I threw up the winder to feel the wind.
That seemed most alive somehow.
But the woods looked so kind of menacin`
I closed it quick
An` started to mangle`s hard`s I could,
The squeakin` was comfortin`.
Well, Ed come home `bout four.
I seen him down the road,
An` I run out through the shed inter th` barn
To meet him quicker.
I hollered out, `Hullo!`
But he didn`t say nothin`,
He jest drove right in
An` climbed out o` th` sleigh
An` commenced unharnessin`.
I asked him a heap o` questions;
Who he`d seed
An` what he`d done.
Once in a while he`d nod or shake,
But most o` th` time he didn`t do nothin`.
`Twas gittin` dark then,
An` I was in a state,
With the loneliness
An` Ed payin` no attention
Like somethin` warn`t livin`.
All of a sudden it come,
I don`t know what,
But I jest couldn`t stand no more.
It didn`t seem `s though that was Ed,
An` it didn`t seem as though I was me.
I had to break a way out somehow,
Somethin` was closin` in
An` I was stiflin`.
Ed`s loggin` axe was ther,
An` I took it.
Oh, my God!
I can`t see nothin` else afore me all the time.
I run out inter th` woods,
Seemed as ef they was pullin` me;
An` all the time I was wadin` through the snow
I seed Ed in front of me
Where I`d laid him.
An` I see him now.
There! There!
What you holdin` me fer?
I want ter go to Ed,
He`s bleedin`.
Stop holdin` me.
I got to go.
I`m comin`, Ed.
I`ll be ther in a minit.
Oh, I`m so tired!
        (Faints)
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