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Alfred Noyes - The Man Who Discovered The Use Of A Chair
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The man who discovered the use of a chair,
  _Odds--bobs--
    What a wonderful man!_
He used to sit down on it, tearing his hair,
  Till he thought of a highly original plan.
For years he had sat on his chair, like you,
  _Quite--still!
    But his looks were grim_
For he wished to be famous (as great men do)
  And nobody ever would listen to him.

Now he went one night to a dinner of state
  _Hear! hear!
    In the proud Guildhall!_
And he sat on his chair, and he ate from a plate;
  But nobody heard his opinions at all;

There were ten fat aldermen down for a speech
  (_Grouse! Grouse!
    What a dreary bird!_)
With five fair minutes allotted to each,
  But never a moment for him to be heard.

But, each being ready to talk, I suppose,
  _Order! Order!_
    They cried, _for the Chair!_
And, much to their wonder, our friend arose
  And fastened his eye on the eye of the Mayor.

"We have come," he said, "to the fourteenth course!
  "_High--time,
    for the Chair_," he said.
Then, with both of his hands, and with all of his force,
  He hurled his chair at the Lord Mayor`s head.

It missed that head by the width of a hair.
  _Gee--whizz!
    What a horrible squeak!_
But it crashed through the big bay-window there
  And smashed a bus into Wednesday week.

And the very next day, in the decorous Times
  (_Great--Guns--
    How the headlines ran!_)
In spite of the kings and the wars and the crimes,
  There were five full columns about that man.


ENVOI

Oh, if you get dizzy when authors write
  (_My stars!
    And you very well may!_)
That white is black and that black is white,
  You should sit, quite still, in your chair and say:

It is easy enough to be famous now,
  (_Puff--Puff!
    How the trumpets blare!_)
Provided, of course, that you don`t care how,
  Like the man who discovered the use of a chair.
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