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Lewis Carroll - Phantasmagoria Canto II ( Hys Fyve Rules )
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"MY First - but don`t suppose," he said,
"I`m setting you a riddle -
Is - if your Victim be in bed,
Don`t touch the curtains at his head,
But take them in the middle, 

"And wave them slowly in and out,
While drawing them asunder;
And in a minute`s time, no doubt,
He`ll raise his head and look about
With eyes of wrath and wonder. 

"And here you must on no pretence
Make the first observation. 
Wait for the Victim to commence:
No Ghost of any common sense
Begins a conversation . 

"If he should say `HOW CAME YOU HERE?`
(The way that YOU began, Sir,)
In such a case your course is clear -
`ON THE BAT`S BACK, MY LITTLE DEAR!`
Is the appropriate answer. 

"If after this he says no more,
You`d best perhaps curtail your
Exertions - go and shake the door,
And then, if he begins to snore,
You`ll know the thing`s a failure. 

"By day, if he should be alone -
At home or on a walk -
You merely give a hollow groan,
To indicate the kind of tone
In which you mean to talk. 

"But if you find him with his friends,
The thing is rather harder.
In such a case success depends
On picking up some candle-ends, 
Or butter, in the larder. 

"With this you make a kind of slide
(It answers best with suet),
On which you must contrive to glide,
And swing yourself from side to side -
One soon learns how to do it. 

"The Second tells us what is right
In ceremonious calls:-
`FIRST BURN A BLUE OR CRIMSON LIGHT`
(A thing I quite forgot to-night),
`THEN SCRATCH THE DOOR OR WALLS.`" 

I said "You`ll visit HERE no more,
If you attempt the Guy.
I`ll have no bonfires on MY floor -
And, as for scratching at the door,
I`d like to see you try!" 

"The Third was written to protect
The interests of the Victim,
And tells us, as I recollect,
TO TREAT HIM WITH A GRAVE RESPECT,
AND NOT TO CONTRADICT HIM." 

"That`s plain," said I, "as Tare and Tret,
To any comprehensio n:
I only wish SOME Ghosts I`ve met
Would not so CONSTANTLY forget
The maxim that you mention!" 

"Perhaps," he said, "YOU first transgressed 
The laws of hospitality: 
All Ghosts instinctivel y detest
The Man that fails to treat his guest
With proper cordiality. 

"If you address a Ghost as `Thing!`
Or strike him with a hatchet,
He is permitted by the King
To drop all FORMAL parleying -
And then you`re SURE to catch it! 

"The Fourth prohibits trespassing
Where other Ghosts are quartered:
And those convicted of the thing
(Unless when pardoned by the King)
Must instantly be slaughtered.  

"That simply means `be cut up small`:
Ghosts soon unite anew.
The process scarcely hurts at all -
Not more than when YOU`re what you call
`Cut up` by a Review. 

"The Fifth is one you may prefer
That I should quote entire:-
THE KING MUST BE ADDRESSED AS `SIR.`
THIS, FROM A SIMPLE COURTIER,
IS ALL THE LAWS REQUIRE: 

"BUT, SHOULD YOU WISH TO DO THE THING
WITH OUT-AND-OUT POLITENESS,
ACCOST HIM AS `MY GOBLIN KING!
AND ALWAYS USE, IN ANSWERING,
THE PHRASE `YOUR ROYAL WHITENESS!` 

"I`m getting rather hoarse, I fear,
After so much reciting :
So, if you don`t object, my dear,
We`ll try a glass of bitter beer -
I think it looks inviting."
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