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Shel Silverstein - The Great Conch Train Robbery
Work rating: Medium

`Twas sunset down in old Key West 
The locals all were high. 
The tourists snapped their photographs 
And munched their Key Lime pie. 
And meanwhile down at Sloppy Joe`s 
The drinks were standin` tall 
With Buffett on the jukebox 
And Hemingway on the wall. 

Then up spoke Sam the Shrimper: 
He said, "I`ve been a shrimper all my life. 
My daddy was a shrimper 
And my mom`s a shrimper`s wife. 
And I`m tired of bein` a shrimper 
Cuz a shrimper`s life`s too tame 
So I`m gonna ride the Conch Train, boys, 
And be like Jesse James. 
Gonna be like Jesse James, boy... 
Gonna be like Jesse James. 
Case you didn`t hear me the first three times... 
Gonna be like Jesse James." 

Now the Conch Train is a tourist toy 
That rolls through Key West Town 
Like some weird ride from Disneyland 
It drives the tourists round and round 
While the engineer on her P.A. 
Points out all the sites 
"Well, Tennessee did you-know-what 
To you-know-who that night." 

"The tourists all have money", said Sam 
"Their wives all have rings of gold. 
Their mopeds all are pawnable. 
Their cameras can be sold. 
And think of all the glory, boys, 
The money and the fame 
To be the first and only man 
To rob the Key West Train." 

Now the engineer of the Conch Train 
Her name was Betsy Wright. 
She drove the Conch Train all day long 
And loved Shrimper Sam all night. 
And with some sweet persuasion, 
She agreed to join the game: 
She`d slow it down and flag the lad 
And let him ride the train. 

The conch train made its turn 
Down the Smathers Pitch 
When Shrimper Sam with a snorkle eye 
Leaped naked from the sea. 
His fillet knife was in his hand. 
He jumped aboard the train. 
"Give up your bucks, you tourist schmucks. 
I`m Key West Jesse James. 
I`m Key West Jesse James, boy... 
Key West Jesse James... 
Case you didn`t hear me the first three times... 
I`m Key West Jesse James." 

Now unbeknownst to Shrimper Sam 
In the third car from the rear, 
Sat Kelso Bolls from Muscle Shoals, 
An American Legioneer. 
He was a redneck of respect 
And a marksman of reknown. 
From under his fat 
He drew a Gat, 
And shot the shrimper down. 

Now the first time that he shot poor Sam, 
Sam groaned and clutched his side. 
The second time that he shot poor Sam, 
Sam fell to his knees and cried. 
And the third time that he shot poor Sam, 
You could see in both their eyes 
Lash LaRue and Randolph Scott 
Beneath the Western skies. 

We laid poor Sam upon the sand 
And we lifted up his head. 
We listened close to hear the words 
The dying shrimper said. 
He said, "Boys, you know I had my chance 
But I went and botched the job, 
But how can a boy named Jesse James 
Without a train to rob?" 
Then Kelso Bolls took off his hat 
And the tears streamed down his face. 
He said, "Son, I know just how you feel. 
This world`s a changin` place". 
When history is written, 
Uh... they won`t recall our names, 
But I only got to play Pat Garrett 
Cuz you played Jesse James. 

We buried Sam in the southernmost sands 
Close by the southernmost waves 
Where sweet Betsy Wright 
Cries tears every night 
Onto his southernmost grave. 
And on his tombstone say the words 
"Stick to your own game. 
And if you are a shrimper, 
Do not try to rob a train."
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