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Shel Silverstein - Toplesstown
Work rating: Medium

It all started out at Rosalie`s Good Eats Cafe 
Everybody sittin`, eatin` eggs and grits, chattin` in the usual way 
Lucy pourin` the coffee and dishin` out the eats 
Wearin` one of them flimsy, frilly white blouses with nothin` underneath. 
Then--a spark flies out of Judge McCory`s cigar 
Lands on Lucy--and sets her blouse on fire 
Just a whoosh--and she`s minus the top of her dress 
Well, if you read that evenin`s Banner, you know the rest-- 
How Big Jay Wilkes, a trucker for Mountain South, 
Smothered her up in his big bear arms and squeezed and put her out 
Then she goes a-runnin` for the Ladies` room like a shot 
But not before everybody in the place seen everything she got. 

Well, the word spread just as fast as that fire did 
And next mornin` the cafe`s crowded with old men, young men and kids 
Hootin` and hollerin`, stools spinnin` `round like this 
Hopin` and prayin` to get a little glimpse of what they`d missed 
But naturally, Lucy ain`t givin` nobody a treat 
She`s buttoned up to here and blushin` like a beet 
And soon`s all the boys see that there ain`t no show 
They all leave, grumblin` how they ain`t comin` back no more. 

Then Rosalie takes Lucy aside, and she says, "Listen, Babe, 
We`re losin` money, and I see a chance to get saved 
Now what if you was to. . . dress like you did yesterday 
And we change the name to Rosalie`s Topless Cafe?" 
Well, Lucy reacts with fury and moral indignation 
But they finally settle on a buck-an-hour raise and an extra week`s vacation 
And next mornin` she shows up au natural, as the French folks say 
At the historic grand opening of Rosalie`s Topless Cafe. 

Talk about a hit! They`re packed in and linin` up 
A cover and a minimum--coffee $2 a cup 
Lucy`s pullin` down a thousand a week with tips and all 
Workin` double shifts while startin` to bitch how 
Her arches are beginning to fall. 

 Well, then Brenda on the night shift, she sees the tips Lucy`s got 
So the very next evenin` she shows up for work without no top 
And two days later the cashier, Betsy Black 
Come in and give Rosalie the shirt right off her back 
Well, they come by the thousands to eat and drink and look 
Soon Rosalie`s gotta hire Fat Phyllis a second cook 
"Well, I guess," says Phyllis, "y`gotta do like them Romans do," 
So she rips off her T-shirt and starts stirrin` up the stew. 
But when Ed the busboy starts` enjoyin` things a little too much 
She puts up a sign in the kitchen sayin` LOOK. DON`T TOUCH. 
And Rosalie`s payin` off her mortgage and puttin` her boy through school 
Gotta hire a topless bouncer to keep things cool 
And a carpark to keep up with the crowd outside 
She says, "I always knew the good Lord would provide." 


Then Jan at the Double J Luncheonette `cross the street 
Says "Hey, if they wanna play hardball, we got `em beat." 
So she and June put on their topless exhibition 
And soon they`re givin` Rosalie`s stiff, stiff competition. 
Well, then ol` Sam Pierce down at Pierce`s Hardware Store 
He repaints the sign outside his door 
And the next day ol` Miz Pierce and her daughter Gayle 
Are toplessly scoopin` out galvanized nails. 

Then Reverend Peters says, "Folks it`s a tough decision 
But the Lord can`t get run off by this competition." 
So next Sunday therer`s a topless ladies` choir in harmony 
In a heartfelt rendition of Nearer My God to Thee." 

Well zap!--it all takes off just like a shot 
Les Willis opens his Topless Bait and Tackle Shop 
And when the Farmers` Bank unveiled topless tellers 
The interest rate sure went up amongst the fellers. 

 Well, Frank Willis hires a topless hostess at the Golden Cactus 
Tom Rooney, proprietor of Tommy`s Place, says that`s unfair labor practice 
So he sends to Milwaukee for a girl called Thirty-Eight Kate 
And in less than a week he`s stole half of Frank`s business away. 

And the tourists--they`re pourin` in, honkin` and raisin` hell 
Payin` $200 a night for a room at Tom`s Topless Motel 
Eatin` Rosalie`s $4 burgers, no bun on top 
Buyin` suntan lotion at our topless Stop and Shop. 
Payin` $12.95 for a T-shirt from Topless Jean`s 
And payin` $50 for an autographed photo with Lucy, 
Our original topless queen. 
And Sister Rhodes says, "Our cup runneth over. We are truly blessed 
`Cause they`re makin` big contributions to our community chest." 

 Then the merchants` association of our town 
Realizin` how the economy`s been saggin` down 
They call a meetin` and they search deep down in their souls 
They take a vote and say, "Let the good times roll." 

Well, soon there`s a topless pharmacy and a topless shoe repair 
The 4-H Club plannin` a topless county fair 
There`s a topless McDonald`s and a topless rent-a-car 
Only one hurtin` was Ed`s Topless Go-Go Bar 
Ed said he might as well close up and go fishin` 
Or go bottomless to keep abreast of the competition. 


Peter Lane says, "We all gotta do what we must 
And the ones who don`t have a feel for it`ll just go bust" 
Then Joe Hall of the Banner does an editorial: 
"Let this be the binding bra`s final memorial 
Let our women enjoy unbridled liberation 
And let our men be protected from fraud and falsification." 

But Miss Agatha Baines of the Citizens for Decency 
Says, " We cannot encourage these dens of iniquity 
They`re just tryin` to titillate the young men in this town" 
And they go to Judge McCory for an order to close `em all down 
And they find him havin` a nip at Ma`s Mammary Bar 
Talkin` `bout runnin` for governor and still puffin` on that big cigar 

But he rules--from his stool--that "Regardless of shape, color and size 
It`s just an uplifting example of free enterprise 
And anyone who has discouragin` words to say 
Is against small business and the good ol` American way" 
So Miss Agatha rips off her blouse patriotically 
And yells, "Let them Japanese try to compete with these." 

Well, that blows the lid off--before the week is past 
We got topless gas station attendants pumpin` gas 
Eileen Hobbs and her topless hot dog stand 
The Lubbuc sisters in their topless moving van 
Lou`s Barber Shop filled with topless tourists 
Gettin` topless manicures from topless manicurists 
Topless majorettes in the Rotary marching band 
A concert with ol` Miss Murgatroyd settin` topless at the baby grand 
And the cheerleaders` team from the class of `69 
All workin` the counter of the topless five-and-dime 
Jim Dawson`s wife runs for mayor on the topless ticket 
And she was way out front -- till Jim decided to picket 
Well, that opened the door for librarian Lauralene Grace 
Who beat her by a nose, I tell you, it was some kind of race. 

Doc Hamilton`s backed up doin` implants and collagen injections 
Liz Mason and her Topless Party sweep the fall elections 
But some thought Jenny Hollman was a bit too crass 
Showin` up topless to teach her eighth grade class 
But she proved that thanks to her PhD cup 
Attendance was perfect and attention was way up. 

There are topless weddings and topless divorces 
Topless equestrians showin` their horses 
Topless druggists at the pharmacy 
Topless checkout girls at the A&P 
Topless gall drivin` topless cars 
Topless meetings of the DAR 
Topless adjusters at the Title and Trust 
Topless policewomen makin` busts 
Topless doctors, topless paramedics 
Topless anesthesiologists givin` anesthetics 
Topless joggers, topless hikers 
Hitchin` rides with topless bikers 
Topless brokers and CPAs 
Topless mamas at the PTA 
Topless lady construction workers 
Topless acrobats at the Shrine circus. 

 


So the housewives join in and soon you can see `em all 
Shoppin` topless, pushin` little topless strollers through the topless mall 
Topless firefighters and meter maids 
And Lucy, the queen of the Topless Day Parade 
A booth in Seely Park for topless tourist information 
Topless Mammorial Day celebrations 
And everyone`s happy, `cept for Lola at Lola`s Lingerie 
She says camisoles are down, and she can`t give bras away 

Soon it spreads across the ocean--hear the tramp-tramp-tramp 
Of topless models walking down topless ramps 
Talk about decollete, we`re rewriting the book 
Givin` the world the revolutionary topless look 
Dior`s scared silly, St. Laurent`s got the jitters 
We got the whole damn fashion world all a-titter. 

No more legislation that this must stop 
Now they`re trying to pass a law that you cannot wear a top 
While our topless city council circulates a ballot `round 
To change our name officially to Topless Town 
And every one of our citizens votes yes 
Except for skinny Nancy Cobb with the flat, bony chest 
So the sign gets changed to TOPLESS TOWN--POP.: 1704 
`Course by the time the paint dries, there`s about a thousand more 
Then Matt Hanks, our stonecutter, climbs up Lookout Bluff 
Says, "We`ll have our own Mount Rushmore soon enough" 
And he blasts and he hammers and he chisels in the proper places 
And next day, there`s a giant pair of--well, not exactly presidents` faces. 

And the women`s groups? Why, they`re pleased as they can be 
Because they finally got financial equality 
"Equality?" screams Nancy Cobb 
"Those big-busted babes now got all the jobs." 
So she writes to Washington that very night 
In a passionate plea for boobless rights. 

The president says, "Hey, what`s goin` on down there?"
Don`t they know there`s laws `bout what they can and can`t wear? 
Have they lost all their sense of propriety? 
Someone must have laced their reservoir with LSD 
It`s Sodom and Gomorrah--a flagrant abuse of bein` free 
Showin` kids what they was never meant to see! 
And if they don`t defer to decency`s demands 
I`ll have to go there myself and take the situation in hand." 

Then the press gets hold of it, and Monday there`s our topless queen 
Dishin` out hash on the cover of Time magazine 
Then Hollywood comes bangin` through our doors 
Wantin` to give out Golden Globe Awards 
And every evenin` on the boob tube, the whole country can see our. . . faces 
And the attorney general announces this is gonna be one of her priority cases 
And then the Senate and the House, they jump on in 
Sayin, "Don`t you know it`s a crime and a shame and a sin? 
And if you don`t button up, zip up and snap up today 
We gonna take every cent of your federal subsidies away." 

Then you should have seen the notice the Supreme Court sent us 
Declarin` us unconstitutional and Judge McCory non compos mentis 
And statin` in language spiteful, specific and strong 
That we better put our natural resources back where they belong. 

But who in the hell do they think they`re bossing around? 
Not us pioneer, upstandin` citizens of Topless Town 
Judge McCory says after due deliberation 
"It`s a clear-cut case of federal intimidation" 
Then Joe Tanners says, "Damn the government and damn the courts 
We don`t need `em--this town was built on self-support." 

Ol` Miz Fletcher says, "This country`s goin` down the tubes 
They must think we`re all just a bunch of boobs 
They`re our bosom buddies when it`s time to pay tax and all that 
Now they wanna go cut off our funds and just leave us flat" 
Then Ellie McKay stands up and starts to rant and rave 
Shoutin`, "Ain`t this the land of the free and the home of the brave? 
Well, I feel a lot freer without that ol` boulder holder of mine 
And I`m brave enough to stand up and let my little lights shine." 

 And from the Salvation Army steps up Katie West 
She says, "I got a couple things I gotta get off my chest" 
She says, "We got no more homeless, no unemployed 
Because men have somethin` to reach for and the women are overjoyed 
So I wanna tell these knockers of liberty 
I ain`t gonna let `em put no halter on me 
And if they keep makin` threats about a federal bust 
It`s gonna case a major cleavage `tween Washington and us. 

"Tell the president that according to the Constitution 
We got the right to dress ourselves without federal intrusion 
The right to take off what`s tight and what don`t fit 
The right to pay our rent and buy our grits 
The right to improve our lot by usin` our wits 
The right to bear arms--and also to bear tits." 

So we take a vote--the whole damn town 
And announce unanimously: 
"Topless Town hereby secedes from the Union 
Because the Union wouldn`t let us be." 
And we declare ourselves an independent 
Self-determined sovereign state 
And we build a tall wall around us all-- 
No roads, no bridges, no gate 
And we pledge allegiance to our flag 
Two. . . well, you know what they are 
And I ain`t puttin` down Old Glory 
But they`re prettier than stripes and stars 
And we`re free and unbridled 
Behind these ivy-covered walls 
And you drive by on the freeway and 
Never notice us here at all. 

Yeah, we got no taxes--we got no crime 
But we got no room to spare 
You`d like to come visit? I`ll bet you would 
But, friends, you ain`t got a prayer-- 
Topless Town`s stayin` safe and sound-- 
You can`t get here from there.
Source
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