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James Whitcomb Riley - Doc Sifers
Work rating: Low

Of all the doctors I could cite you to in this-`ere town
  Doc Sifers is my favorite, jes` take him up and down!
  Count in the Bethel Neighberhood, and Rollins, and Big Bear,
  And Sifers` standin`s jes` as good as ary doctor`s there!

  There`s old Doc Wick, and Glenn, and Hall, and Wurgler, and McVeigh,
  But I`ll buck Sifers `ginst `em all and down `em any day!
  Most old Wick ever knowed, I s`pose, was _whisky!_ Wurgler--well,
  He et morphine--ef actions shows, and facts` reliable!

  But Sifers--though he ain`t no sot, he`s got his faults; and yit
  When you _git_ Sifers one`t, you`ve got _a doctor_, don`t fergit!
  He ain`t much at his office, er his house, er anywhere
  You`d natchurly think certain far to ketch the feller there.--

  But don`t blame Doc: he`s got all sorts o` cur`ous notions--as
  The feller says; his odd-come-shorts, like smart men mostly has.
  He`ll more`n like be potter`n `round the Blacksmith Shop; er in
  Some back lot, spadin` up the ground, er gradin` it agin.

  Er at the workbench, planin` things; er buildin` little traps
  To ketch birds; galvenizin` rings; er graftin` plums, perhaps.
  Make anything! good as the best!--a gunstock--er a flute;
  He whittled out a set o` chesstmen one`t o` laurel root,

  Durin` the Army--got his trade o` surgeon there--I own
  To-day a finger-ring Doc made out of a Sesesh bone!
  An` glued a fiddle one`t far me--jes` all so busted you
  `D a throwed the thing away, but he fixed her as good as new!

  And take Doc, now, in _ager_, say, er _biles_, er _rheumatiz_,
  And all afflictions thataway, and he`s the best they is!
  Er janders--milksick--I don`t keer--k-yore anything he tries--
  A abscess; getherin` in yer yeer; er granilated eyes!

  There was the Widder Daubenspeck they all give up far dead;
  A blame cowbuncle on her neck, and clean out of her head!
  First had this doctor, what`s-his-name, from "Puddlesburg," and then
  This little red-head, "Burnin` Shame" they call him--Dr. Glenn.

  And they "consulted" on the case, and claimed she`d haf to die,--
  I jes` was joggin` by the place, and heerd her dorter cry,
  And stops and calls her to the fence; and I-says-I, "Let me
  Send Sifers--bet you fifteen cents he`ll k-yore her!" "Well," says
    she,

  "Light out!" she says: And, lipp-tee-cut! I loped in town, and rid
  `Bout two hours more to find him, but I kussed him when I did!
  He was down at the Gunsmith Shop a-stuffin` birds! Says he,
  "My sulky`s broke." Says I, "You hop right on and ride with me!"

  I got him there.--"Well, Aunty, ten days k-yores you," Sifers said,
  "But what`s yer idy livin` when yer jes` as good as dead?"
  And there`s Dave Banks--jes` back from war without a scratch--one
    day
  Got ketched up in a sickle-bar, a reaper runaway.--

  His shoulders, arms, and hands and legs jes` sawed in strips! And
    Jake
  Dunn starts far Sifers--feller begs to shoot him far God-sake.
  Doc, `course, was gone, but he had penned the notice, "At Big Bear--
  Be back to-morry; Gone to `tend the Bee Convention there."

  But Jake, he tracked him--rid and rode the whole endurin` night!
  And `bout the time the roosters crowed they both hove into sight.
  Doc had to ampitate, but `greed to save Dave`s arms, and swore
  He could a-saved his legs ef he`d ben there the day before.

  Like when his wife`s own mother died `fore Sifers could be found,
  And all the neighbors far and wide a` all jes` chasin` round;
  Tel finally--I had to laugh--it`s jes` like Doc, you know,--
  Was learnin` far to telegraph, down at the old deepo.

  But all they`re faultin` Sifers far, there`s none of `em kin say
  He`s biggoty, er keerless, er not posted anyway;
  He ain`t built on the common plan of doctors now-a-days,
  He`s jes` a great, big, brainy man--that`s where the trouble lays!
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