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James Whitcomb Riley - The Rivals; Or The Showman`s Ruse
Work rating: Low

A TRAGI-COMEDY, IN ONE ACT.

  PERSONS REPRESENTED.

  BILLY MILLER      )           The Rivals
  JOHNNY WILLIAMS   )

  TOMMY WELLS                   Conspirator

  TIME--Noon: SCENE--Country Town--Rear-view of the
  Miller Mansion, showing Barn, with practical loft-window
  opening on alley-way, with colored-crayon poster beneath,
  announcing:--"BILLY MILLER`S Big Show and Monstur Circus
  and Equareum!  A shour-bath fer Each and All fer 20 pins.
  This Afternoon!  Don`t fer git the date!"  Enter TOMMY
  WELLS and JOHNNY WILLIAMS, who gaze awhile at poster,
  TOMMY secretly smiling and winking at BILLY MILLER,
  concealed at loft-window above.

  TOMMY (to JOHNNY).
    Guess `at Billy haint got back,--
    Can`t see nothin` through the crack---
    Can`t hear nothin` neither--No!
    . . . Thinks he`s got the dandy show,
    Don`t he?

  JOHNNY (scornfully)--
    `Course` but what _I_ care?--
    He haint got no show in there!--
    What`s _he_ got in there but that
    Old hen, cooped up with a cat
    An` a turkle, an` that thing
    `At he calls his "circus-ring?"
    "_What a circus-ring_!"  I`d _quit_!
    Bet mine`s twic`t as big as it!

  TOMMY--
    Yes, but _you_ got no machine
    Wat you bathe with, painted green,
    With a string to work it, guess!

  JOHNNY (contemptuously)--
    Folks don`t _bathe_ in _circuses_!--
    _Ladies_ comes to _mine_, you bet!
    I` got seats where girls can set;
    An` a dressin`-room, an` all,
    Fixed up in my pony`s stall--
    Yes, an` I` got _carpet_, too,
    Fer the tumblers, and a blue
    Center-pole!

  TOMMY--
          Well, Billy, he`s
    Got a tight-rope an` trapeze,
    An` a hoop `at he jumps through
    Head-first!

  JOHNNY--
          Well, what`s _that_ to do--
    Lightin` on a pile o` hay?
    Haint no _actin_` thataway!

  TOMMY--
    Don`t care what you say, he draws
    Bigger crowds than you do, `cause
    Sense he started up, I know
    All the fellers says his show
    Is the best-un!

  JOHNNY--
          Yes, an` he
    Better not tell things on me!
    His old circus haint no good!--
    `Cause he`s got the neighborhood
    Down on me he thinks `at I`m
    Goin` to stand it all the time;
    Thinks ist `cause my Pa don`t `low
    Me to fight, he`s got me now.
    An` can say I lie, an` call
    Me ist anything at all!
    Billy Miller thinks I am
    `Feared to say `at he says "dam"--
    Yes, and worser ones! and I`m
    Goin` to tell his folks sometime!--
    An` ef he don`t shet his head
    I`ll tell worse `an _that_ he said
    When he fighted Willie King--
    An` got licked like ever`thing!--
    Billy Miller better shin
    Down his Daddy`s lane agin,
    Like a cowardy-calf, an` climb
    In fer home another time!
    Better--

    [Here BILLY leaps down from the loft upon his unsuspecting
    victim; and two minutes, later, JOHNNY, with the half of a
    straw hat, a bleeding nose, and a straight rent across one
    trouser-knee, makes his inglorious--exit.]
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