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James Whitcomb Riley - Grandfather Squeers
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"My grandfather Squeers," said The Raggedy Man,
As he solemnly lighted his pipe and began--

"The most indestructible man, for his years,
And the grandest on earth, was my grandfather Squeers!

"He said, when he rounded his three-score-and-ten,
`I`ve the hang of it now and can do it again!`

"He had frozen his heels so repeatedly, he
Could tell by them just what the weather would be;

"And would laugh and declare, `while the _Almanac_ would
Most falsely prognosticate, _he_ never could!`

"Such a hale constitution had grandfather Squeers
That, `though he`d used `_navy_` for sixty odd years,

"He still chewed a dime`s-worth six days of the week,
While the seventh he passed with a chew in each cheek:

"Then my grandfather Squeers had a singular knack
Of sitting around on the small of his back,

"With his legs like a letter Y stretched o`er the grate
Wherein `twas his custom to ex-pec-tor-ate.

"He was fond of tobacco in _manifold_ ways,
And would sit on the door-step, of sunshiny days,

"And smoke leaf-tobacco he`d raised strictly for
The pipe he`d used all through The Mexican War."

And The Raggedy Man said, refilling the bowl
Of his own pipe and leisurely picking a coal

From the stove with his finger and thumb, "You can see
What a tee-nacious habit he`s fastened on me!

"And my grandfather Squeers took a special delight
In pruning his corns every Saturday night

"With a horn-handled razor, whose edge he excused
By saying `twas one that his grandfather used;

"And, though deeply etched in the haft of the same
Was the ever-euphonious Wostenholm`s name,

"`Twas my grandfather`s custom to boast of the blade
As `A Seth Thomas razor--the best ever made!`

"No Old Settlers` Meeting, or Pioneers` Fair,
Was complete without grandfather Squeers in the chair

"To lead off the programme by telling folks how
`He used to shoot deer where the Court-House stands now`--

"How `he felt, of a truth, to live over the past,
When the country was wild and unbroken and vast,

"`That the little log cabin was just plenty fine
For himself, his companion, and fambly of nine!--

"`When they didn`t have even a pump, or a tin,
But drunk surface-water, year out and year in,

"`From the old-fashioned gourd that was sweeter, by odds,
Than the goblets of gold at the lips of the gods!`"

Then The Raggedy Man paused to plaintively say
It was clockin` along to`rds the close of the day--

And he`d _ought_ to get back to his work on the lawn,--
Then dreamily blubbered his pipe and went on:

"His teeth were imperfect--my grandfather owned
That he couldn`t eat oysters unless they were `boned`;

"And his eyes were so weak, and so feeble of sight,
He couldn`t sleep with them unless, every night,

"He put on his spectacles--all he possessed,--
Three pairs--with his goggles on top of the rest.

"And my grandfather always, retiring at night,
Blew down the lamp-chimney to put out the light;

"Then he`d curl up on edge like a shaving, in bed,
And puff and smoke pipes in his sleep, it is said:

"And would snore oftentimes as the legends relate,
Till his folks were wrought up to a terrible state,--

"Then he`d snort, and rear up, and roll over; and there,
In the subsequent hush they could hear him chew air.

"And so glaringly bald was the top of his head
That many`s the time he has musingly said,

"As his eyes journeyed o`er its reflex in the glass,--
`I must set out a few signs of _Keep Off the Grass!_`

"So remarkably deaf was my grandfather Squeers
That he had to wear lightning-rods over his ears

"To even hear thunder--and oftentimes then
He was forced to request it to thunder again."
Source
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