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James Whitcomb Riley - Farmer Whipple--Bachelor
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It`s a mystery to see me--a man o` fifty-four,
Who`s lived a cross old bachelor fer thirty year` and more--
A-lookin` glad and smilin`!  And they`s none o` you can say
That you can guess the reason why I feel so good to-day!

I must tell you all about it!  But I`ll have to deviate
A little in beginnin`, so`s to set the matter straight
As to how it comes to happen that I never took a wife--
Kindo` "crawfish" from the Present to the Springtime of my life!

I was brought up in the country:  Of a family of five--
Three brothers and a sister--I`m the only one alive,--
Fer they all died little babies; and `twas one o` Mother`s ways,
You know, to want a daughter; so she took a girl to raise.

The sweetest little thing she was, with rosy cheeks, and fat--
We was little chunks o` shavers then about as high as that!
But someway we sort a` SUITED-like! and Mother she`d declare
She never laid her eyes on a more lovin` pair

Than WE was!  So we growed up side by side fer thirteen year`,
And every hour of it she growed to me more dear!--
W`y, even Father`s dyin`, as he did, I do believe
Warn`t more affectin` to me than it was to see her grieve!

I was then a lad o` twenty; and I felt a flash o` pride
In thinkin` all depended on ME now to pervide
Fer Mother and fer Mary; and I went about the place
With sleeves rolled up--and workin`, with a mighty smilin`
face.--

Fer SOMEPIN` ELSE was workin`! but not a word I said 
Of a certain sort o` notion that was runnin` through my head,--
"Some day I`d maybe marry, and a BROTHER`S love was one
Thing--a LOVER`S was another!" was the way the notion run!

I remember onc`t in harvest, when the "cradle-in` " was done,
(When the harvest of my summers mounted up to twenty-one),
I was ridin` home with Mary at the closin` o` the day--
A-chawin` straws and thinkin`, in a lover`s lazy way!

And Mary`s cheeks was burnin` like the sunset down the lane:
I noticed she was thinkin`, too, and ast her to explain.
Well--when she turned and KISSED ME, WITH HER ARMS AROUND
ME--LAW!
I`d a bigger load o` Heaven than I had a load o` straw!

I don`t p`tend to learnin`, but I`ll tell you what`s a fac`,
They`s a mighty truthful sayin` somers in a` almanac--
Er SOMERS--`bout "puore happiness"--perhaps some folks`ll laugh
At the idy--"only lastin` jest two seconds and a half."--

But it`s jest as true as preachin`!--fer that was a SISTER`S
kiss,
And a sister`s lovin` confidence a-tellin` to me this:--
"SHE was happy, BEIN` PROMISED TO THE SON O` FARMER BROWN."--
And my feelin`s struck a pardnership with sunset and went down!

I don`t know HOW I acted, and I don`t know WHAT I said,--
Fer my heart seemed jest a-turnin` to an ice-cold lump o` lead;
And the hosses kind o`glimmered before me in the road,
And the lines fell from my fingers--And that was all I knowed--

Fer--well, I don`t know HOW long--They`s a dim rememberence
Of a sound o` snortin` horses, and a stake-and-ridered fence
A-whizzin` past, and wheat-sheaves a-dancin` in the air,
And Mary screamin` "Murder!" and a-runnin` up to where

_I_ was layin` by the roadside, and the wagon upside down
A-leanin` on the gate-post, with the wheels a-whirlin` roun`!
And I tried to raise and meet her, but I couldn`t, with a vague
Sort o` notion comin` to me that I had a broken leg.

Well, the women nussed me through it; but many a time I`d sigh
As I`d keep a-gittin` better instid o` goin` to die,
And wonder what was left ME worth livin` fer below,
When the girl I loved was married to another, don`t you know!

And my thoughts was as rebellious as the folks was good and kind
When Brown and Mary married--Railly must `a` been my MIND
Was kind o` out o` kilter!--fer I hated Brown, you see,
Worse`n PIZEN--and the feller whittled crutches out fer ME--

And done a thousand little ac`s o` kindness and respec`--
And me a-wishin` all the time that I could break his neck!
My relief was like a mourner`s when the funeral is done
When they moved to Illinois in the Fall o` Forty-one.

Then I went to work in airnest--I had nothin` much in view
But to drownd out rickollections--and it kep` me busy, too!
But I slowly thrived and prospered, tel Mother used to say
She expected yit to see me a wealthy man some day.

Then I`d think how little MONEY was, compared to happiness--
And who`d be left to use it when I died I couldn`t guess!
But I`ve still kep` speculatin` and a-gainin` year by year,
Tel I`m payin` half the taxes in the county, mighty near!

Well!--A year ago er better, a letter comes to hand
Astin` how I`d like to dicker fer some Illinois land--
"The feller that had owned it," it went ahead to state,
"Had jest deceased, insolvent, leavin` chance to speculate,"--

And then it closed by sayin` that I`d "better come and see."--
I`d never been West, anyhow--a`most too wild fer ME,
I`d allus had a notion; but a lawyer here in town
Said I`d find myself mistakend when I come to look around.

So I bids good-by to Mother, and I jumps aboard the train,
A-thinkin` what I`d bring her when I come back home again--
And ef she`d had an idy what the present was to be,
I think it`s more`n likely she`d `a` went along with me!

Cars is awful tejus ridin`, fer all they go so fast!
But finally they called out my stoppin`-place at last:
And that night, at the tavern, I dreamp` I was a train
O` cars, and SKEERED at somepin`, runnin` down a country lane!

Well, in the morning airly--after huntin` up the man--
The lawyer who was wantin` to swap the piece o` land--
We started fer the country; and I ast the history
Of the farm--its former owner--and so forth, etcetery!

And--well--it was interESTin`--I su`prised him, I suppose,
By the loud and frequent manner in which I blowed my nose!--
But his su`prise was greater, and it made him wonder more,
When I kissed and hugged the widder when she met us at the
door!--

IT WAS MARY: . . . They`s a feelin` a-hidin` down in here--
Of course I can`t explain it, ner ever make it clear.--
It was with us in that meetin`, I don`t want you to fergit!
And it makes me kind o`nervous when I think about it yit!

I BOUGHT that farm, and DEEDED it, afore I left the town
With "title clear to mansions in the skies," to Mary Brown!
And fu`thermore, I took her and the CHILDERN--fer you see,
They`d never seed their Grandma--and I fetched `em home with me.

So NOW you`ve got an idy why a man o` fifty-four,
Who`s lived a cross old bachelor fer thirty year` and more
Is a-lookin` glad and smilin`!--And I`ve jest come into town
To git a pair o` license fer to MARRY Mary Brown.
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